So, I’ve been in Miami the past few days. I generally like TDYs, but not to Miami, because it’s a) hot, b) humid c) filled with the kind of annoying drunken coeds on spring break that make you want to climb a tower and start picking them off with a high-powered rifle.
Also, whenever I go to Florida, I invariably wind up with a three-day headache. This trip was no exception, so it made the numerous meetings I had to attend that much more miserable.
That said, we did have some excellent food, saw some very cool art in the Winwood district between meetings, and I got to talk to a class full of high school students about careers. Yeah, I know. Someone allowed me to speak to kids. I actually corrupted young minds. You can blame my buddy Tim, who is a high school teacher, and somehow thought it was a cool idea to expose his students to my special brand of crazy. I did not drop the F-bomb during my speech. I did, however, drop one several times as we walked outside. In front of kids. Apparently, that’s a no-no or something… as if they never heard the word, “fuck” before.
I did take some very cool photos in Winwood with my phone, and they have this awesome taco joint, where we got to sit outside, eat amazing food, and get glared at by feral kittens.
So what happened while I was gone?
Apparently, someone leaked 45’s tax returns from 2005. After getting her acolytes in a frothing frenzy about the shock and awe contained in those documents, Rachel Maddow broadcast on her show that…
…Trump paid his taxes.
At a higher rate than Romney, Obama, and Bernie Sanders.
Wow… well, that was a letdown, eh unhinged leftists?
And guess what! I know you’ll be shocked at this, but not only did he pay his taxes in 2005, he’s still President!
I’ll let you take a woosah moment.
What else happened?
I was watching the news this morning at my hotel room, when they decided that this was somehow newsworthy.
Mom jeans. With plastic panels, so when you wear these monstrosities, everyone can see your knees. Because what you need more than anything in the world is plastic panels that make your skin exude oodles of moisture to sweat up these clear panels on a warm day. Because, see, plastic doesn’t exactly allow for air circulation.
Is there anyone in the entire universe who would pay $95 and actually wear these things? They’re like chaps for your knees.
Perhaps Nordstrom needs to fire a buyer or two.
Next up is the fiasco of a health care bill the GOP decided to excrete out of its wrecked anus. Rob blogged about this dumpster fire, previously, as did our buddy Jason Pye at FreedomWorks. The Congressional Budget Office savaged the bill, and some Republicans are now running from it like a BLM protester after breaking the window of a convenience store.
Here’s a clue, GOP. You don’t take a horrible law, and make it worse by adding your own even more horrible law on top of it, and then expect everyone to do a happy dance, because “Oh, look! We did something!”
It’s time Republicans stopped being stupid, but I guess that’s too much to ask for.
Oh, it snowed in DC. From the looks of it, we got maybe an inch or two, but that apparently didn’t stop the panicked doofi from stampeding grocery stores like so much rabid cattle. It was in the 70s in Miami, and today was a positively frosty 60 degrees. Yes, be jealous.
Also, apparently, Amy Schumer had a
comedy tragedy special on Netflix recently. Let’s put aside the fact that she really does remind me of a potato, and apparently has the IQ of one. She was apparently so unfunny and terrible, that the makers of “Ishtar” are breathing a sigh of relief, because their unwatchable dreck is no longer at the bottom of the cinematographic heap.
This was painful to watch. Save yourself the time and don’t bother watching this train wreck (that lame pun was better than anything in this special). I have never been a big fan of Amy but she was better when she was stealing other people’s jokes. Maybe she search some old comedy tapes for new material. 1 star is generous for this slop.
If this show was a smell, it would smell of fermented beans and disease.
Mercifully it ended but I’ll never be able to get those wasted hours back. Amy if you ever read any of these reviews I have a special message for you: suicide is still an option.
On my flight back to DC, I finally got a chance to watch “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.” I loved it! Not because I’m a Harry Potter fan… well… not only because I’m a Harry Potter fan. I thought the design was stunning, Eddie Redmayne is a phenomenally talented actor, and he was at the same time shy, innocent, and a brilliant badass, Colin Farrell was just right for the role of the ultimate bad buy pre-Voldemort, and JOHNNY DEPP!
And finally, I’m excited, because Wonder Woman is finally coming out this June! As a kid, I watched Lynda Carter transform into Wonder Woman on TV every day, and I wanted to be her so badly! That series resulted in my wearing “bracelets” made of tin foil on my wrists and a desire to change my name to “Diana.” And now, Gal Gadot will bring one of my favorite superheroes to the big screen! And it looks terrific, so I’m more than excited!
And yes, now that I’m back from TDY, I will blog more regularly. Thanks for caring.
So I’ve been sick for the past week. I get a couple of evil colds per year, and I thought this was one of those, but it turned out to be an evil, nasty, gross, phlegm-covered bacterial infection.
The bronchitis was not awesome. I wound up going to Urgent Care on Saturday, getting a nebulizer treatment, some oxygen, a Z-Pack, a steroid pack to reduce inflammation in my bronchial tubes, Tylenol 3 with Codeine, and an inhaler. I was also told to stay home and not bring this plague into the office, so I festered in bed for three days, doing nothing more than gobbling medicine, drinking hot tea, and moaning miserably on occasion.
The good (or bad, depending on how you look at it) thing is that I had the chance to catch up on the news, friends’ Facebook posts, my often-neglected Twitter feed, and my photography.
I played with Photoshop and did a few new art prints for my Society6 page. If you like framed prints, or even non-framed ones, check out the site and order something. It helps pay the bills, ya know?
I’ve also caught up with some of the causes that appear to be popular on the Interwebz lately.
Vaccines and anti-vaccine stupidity are once again in the spotlight, because some tool at Disneyland decided to take its plague to the amusement park and infect a bunch of folks with measles.
A few observations about this:
If, given the vast amount of scientific, rational, and factual evidence out there about the safety and effectiveness of vaccines, you still choose not to vaccinate your spawn, do us all a favor, and keep your precious snowflakes away from society. That means keep the hell away from schools, sports teams, scouts, etc. No one wants your vat of plague, especially not children with serious immune issues.
Politicians – STAY THE HELL OUT OF THE DEBATE. IT JUST MAKES YOU SOUND STUPID.
I’m not a person who believes in government force. You don’t want to vaccinate? Don’t. If your kid dies of encephalitis brought on by measles complications because you failed to be an objective, rational parent, you should be charged. Otherwise, it’s on you. If you or your crotchfruit are proven to be “patient zero” in an outbreak, because you decided it was your right to parade your infectious ankle biter around other people without regard for their safety, you should be sued. Otherwise, it’s on you.
And vaccination is not a government conspiracy, you bloody tards. Try science.
Another observation: Some people’s lives revolve around “The Walking Dead.” Literally.
That’s all they talk about. That’s all they desire. Their lives on social media consist of counting down how many days until the next episode and searching out every photo of every cast member they can find.
I’m as big a fan of the show as anyone, but yet, my life doesn’t consist of half nekkid photos of Norman Reedus, posting to “The Walking Dead” discussion groups or collecting action figures.
ISIS/ISIL/IS: I’m sick of them. Can we please just nuke the lot of them? They’re savages, who have no respect for human rights or human life. Fuck ’em. High time we got serious.
Random thought: I wonder if the renovations going on in my office and the consequent glue smell can really make me high.
Also… Katy Perry… Shark… I don’t get it. No, I didn’t watch the Super Bowl. I was stoned on a lot of medication.
Some people are really good at crafts – knitting, crochet, art, etc. I’m not one of those people. My mom tried to teach me to knit as a kid, and the result was usually something that looked disastrously like a monkey knitted it with its toes. While high on meth.
Everyone gets record snow this winter. But not DC. Because we suck.
I love snow. I love big, fluffy flakes falling from the sky. I love 2 feet of the stuff lying on the ground while I’m warm and toasty inside with a mug of coffee and my woobie.
And by the way… Rob doesn’t understand the excellentness of woobies. Light, fluffy, warm, packable, poncho liners that are so comfy, that you don’t want any other blanket.
He just doesn’t get it.
My cat Indy gets the woobie. He wraps himself in it sometimes, and looks really confused when he untangles. But then again, he attacks his reflection in the mirror, chews his own tail, and then looks shocked when it hurts, so he may not be the best judge of woobie goodness.