Tag Archives: conservatives

You might be a Trumpanzee

Last year I explained the difference between a normal Republican/conservative voter and a Trumpanzee – the shit-flinging, frothing, simians, who have no concept of policy, objectivity, or common sense, and who simply toss turds at anyone who voices disagreement, concern, or even doesn’t display enough love and adoration for the President.

…not the normal Trump supporters, or those who voted for him merely to keep the C-Hag out of the White House – but the smirking, shit-flinging chimps who think Trump can do no wrong, claim that any criticism of their deity means you’re a Hillary supporter, and insist on doing their smarmy little happy dance by rubbing their “victory” in the faces of the #nevertrumpers (those who chose not to vote for Trump), chortling about us eating crow or gnashing our teeth in bitter angst.

These are the same puerile shit swaddlers who called those of us who are ostensibly ideological allies “idiots” and “tacit Hillary supporters,” due to our refusal to worship at the altar of Trump. Any criticism or refusal to cast a vote in his direction was met with derision and the math-challenged claim that a vote for anyone other than Trump meant a vote for Hillary.

Today’s Trumpanzees are no different. Much like the hysterical left that shits its diapers at every single word 45 utters and refuses to acknowledge the positive things he’s done so far or simply misinterprets and outright lies about every act he takes, the Trumpanzee is the creature that creams its diapers at every single assertion the President makes – whether true, partially true, or false – swings its schadenboner around like a drunken frat boy, jumps into defensive mode every time it perceives an attack on its deity, has no concept of policy, and merely supports any and all policies 45 advances, because he happens to be the one who advanced them.

These are the people who have no actual knowledge of events, they have no comprehension of economics, foreign affairs, military affairs, or diplomacy. They toss their allegedly “conservative” values aside and twist like a yogi on meth in their frothing zeal to mold policies they would have never supported before Trump came along into something they can claim is a “victory” or a “conservative” value. They are also the ones who hurl ad hominems at their opponents, who answer every challenge with “Oh, you must be a liberal/Oh, you must have voted for Hillary,” and who accuse their interlocutors of suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome, because they had the unmitigated gall to be critical of the President.

Right Wisconsin editor Charlie Sykes recently penned a column in the New York Times, discussing anti-anti-Trumpism. If you don’t want to give the NYT a click, the meat of the piece is here. What is anti-anti-Trumpism? Well, to me, it’s a nicer way of describing the Trumpanzee.

Here is how it works: Rather than defend President Trump’s specific actions, his conservative champions change the subject to (1) the biased “fake news” media, (2) over-the-top liberals, (3) hypocrites on the left, (4) anyone else victimizing Mr. Trump or his supporters and (5) whataboutism, as in “What about Obama?” “What about Clinton?”

So I figured I’d give you my handy list about how to recognize a Trumpanzee – the frothing, dick-swinging, “WINNING!” lunatics who gleefully promote 45 merely because they “WON!” and despite the fact that the policies they may be promoting are the very antithesis of those they claim to espouse. To do this, I’m going to borrow Jeff Foxworthy’s “You might be a redneck if…” format for some of these, but if you recognize yourself in this list, you might want to engage in some introspection before engaging with others.

1. If your instinctive reaction to any criticism of the President is to hurl the “Trump Derangement Syndrome” (TDS) accusation, you might be a Trumpanzee.

2. If your loathing of the left and your schadenboner at WINNING overshadow your belief in liberty and limited government, you might be a Trumpanzee.

3. If your first response to a criticism of 45’s policies is to accuse your interlocutor of being a Democrat/Hillary supporter, you might be a Trumpanzee.

4. If you rationalize outrageous conduct and defend policies that clearly fly in the face of the conservative values you purport to uphold…

5. If watching the left’s heads “go splodey” is more important to you than advancing the principles of limited government and liberty…

6. If your reaction to opposition to Trump’s policies is an immediate attack on the person who voices said opposition or even death threats

7. If everything except for Breitbart, Gateway Pundit, Conservative Treehouse, Conservative Tribune, Young Cons, *insert any other “conservative” site here* is FAKE NEWS…

…you might be a Trumpanzee.

8. If you accuse the “deep state” of trying to sabotage the President by presenting misinformation, outright lies, or completely inaccurate/uninformed analysis by one of the above sites, you might be a Trumpanzee.

9. If you share positive “news” about the President without checking sources, merely because it strokes your turgid confirmation bias…

10. And if you refuse to read anything that might challenge your perceptions regarding the President, because it happens to be published in the Washington Post/NYT/*insert EEEVIL mainstream media source here*, and swear off any media – conservative, liberal, or otherwise – as soon as they publish anything critical of the President, but will gleefully share memes that don’t actually mean a thing…

…You might be a Trumpanzee.

11. If you cannot defend specific actions by the President, but choose instead to revert to the tried and true “Well, Obama…” or “Hillary would have been worse…” you might be a Trumpanzee.

12. If the liberals hate one of the President’s policies, and you automatically love and ardently defend it, merely because the liberals oppose it, regardless of whether or not it upholds the principles of conservatism, you might be a Trumpanzee.

13. If instead of defending conservative policies, you find yourself only saying things like…

“Trump is doing fine as the political weapon I voted for against the Washington Establishment!”

“While The Republican Congress is playing checkers, Trump is playing Chess!”

“I win!”

“FAKE NEWS!” in response to everything.

“…still infinitely better than Hillary,” in response to everything.

“…you would rather have Hillary…”

“You lost get over it and move on.”

“…your [sic.] bitter and upset that Trump won.”

“You have no clue what the art of the deal is.”

“Your [sic.] cluesless [sic.] how negotiation and leverage works [sic.]”

“Feels good to win. We won, you lost. Now sit down and shut up.”

“I don’t care. I voted for Trump because I didn’t want to lose the Supreme Court for the next 50 years. I didn’t count on him keeping any promises except for the promise to appoint conservatives to the Supreme Court which he will follow.”

“Would anyone want Hillary Clinton in office instead? Hillary would have been the death knell for us all.”

“They’re trying a coup! Obama Administration and Obama Loyalists still in the NSA, DNI and FBI didn’t get the memo about the American Tradition of ‘Peaceful Transition of Power.’ They were using their power for political ends, in conjunction with the MSM.”

But he’s draining the swamp!

…you might be a Trumpanzee.

14. If you accuse anyone who disagrees with the President of being a “leftard,” “leftist,” or of hating America, you might be a Trumpanzee.

None of these are plausible reasons to support bad policies, and yet, these turd bombs are what I see the Trumpanzees hurling when they can’t defend the President’s decisions.

And to be sure, there have been some good decisions so far. Gorsuch for the Supreme Court is, in my opinion, fantastic. Mattis, Kelly, and McMaster make up a competent, intelligent, informed national security team. Steven Mnuchin as Secretary of the Treasury is an informed, engaged, sharp principal. I applaud those appointments.

But I’m not giving him a pass on the “we’ll build a big, beautiful wall and make Mexico pay for it” promise – a wall which he now expects the American taxpayers to fund.

I’m not giving him a pass on the ObamaCare repeal or the reversal on ExIm Bank.

I’m certainly not giving him a pass on appointing Flynn as National Security Advisor and then blaming Obama for giving him a clearance, even though he had been out of government service for more than two years, and done a lot of engagement with the Russians, among others, as a civilian when he accepted the position.

Look, people, there’s not a single President who deserves your blind devotion. Not. A. Single. One. They are human, and they are hardly perfect.

And yet, we see rabid Trumpanzees hysterically attacking anyone who has the temerity to voice a critical opinion of the President – without any knowledge of economics, politics, military doctrine, or understanding of intelligence – just because WE WON, AND YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!

If you find yourself blindly supporting the policies of the President merely because they piss off the left, you are not doing yourself, your country, or your conservative principles any favors. By refusing to acknowledge when one of your own screws up or goes back on a promise, or making excuses for his actions, you’re doing harm. Real harm – both to the conservative movement, and to America. And if you’re defending actions that a year ago you found indefensible due to your conservative principles, you’re doing harm. Real harm.

We should hold all our elected officials accountable to the people, holding their feet to the fire for broken promises or policies that contradict the principles on which they were elected, and that is what should be important, rather than basing our judgments on whether or not the left is unhappy. If you fail to be objective because you’re so busy swinging your dick around about WINNING, you don’t deserve to win.

Allowing the left to dictate right and wrong based on their histrionic screeching is not particularly bright, and it reflects poorly on conservatives writ large.

We have a duty to be objective when it comes to our leaders. We have an obligation to question them when warranted. We have a responsibility to be informed.

I realize it’s a whole lot easier to just pop some popcorn and defend the indefensible just to watch the left’s heads explode. It’s certainly more fun than doing some research and actually admitting that your guy isn’t even close to perfect. I get it. You voted for him. You would feel responsible.

It’s much easier to deflect attention for a President’s failures to his enemies, and it’s certainly a lot more entertaining to simply ridicule the unhinged left than to face possible failures in the people for whom we cast votes.

And it’s certainly much more superficially satisfying to shove your fist down the “enemy’s” throat, while loudly proclaiming your WINNING! while pouring dirt on those who take the time to research and understand the policies involved, because they’re not jubilantly proclaiming the greatness of the leader you worship.

That’s not conservatism. The fact that the Trumpanzees are in the process of transforming conservatism into the turds they eventually fling at their perceived enemies is disturbing.

Cue flood of Trumpanzees engaging in some or all of the above behavior in 3…2…1…



Rob wrote a great piece last night eviscerating David Shephard’s condemnation of conservatives who actually stand on principles on the Bull Elephant. You should really go read Rob’s fisk. He uses big words, and he didn’t drop the F-bomb even once! (Note: this is why I will never write for an actual news source or political site again. Too much effort to constrain my cursing.)

Shephard, whose claim to fame is apparently being a lobbyist in Richmond, claims that the House Freedom Caucus and its “conservative” members were never meant to be legislators, because they apparently never influence policy (Except for tanking the GOP’s shit show of a health care bill, of course. You’re welcome.) They should just hang out in think tanks and attend luncheons, proclaims a snot-nosed millennial whose contribution to the economy is lobbying and consulting.

If my eyes rolled back any harder, I’d need a pair of salad tongs and a team of Navy SEALs to retrieve them.

And that’s why, Shephard claims, Trump voters hate these guys, mmkay?

Because apparently people who want to examine legislation that has the power to affect millions of Americans and significantly impact our economy by using actual economic principles and rational thought don’t belong in government.

Rob rightfully excoriated this dick weasel.

The Trump voter, for the most part, is driven by emotion rather than logic. Trump, to his credit, seized on the undercurrent of frustration with business as usual in Washington, and rode it, against all expectations, including mine, to the White House. But let us not kid ourselves, Trump has little idea, even from moment to moment, of what he actually wants to ‘get done’. All he is interested in is ‘winning’. He is an ideologically unmoored populist. Steve Bannon, his chief political guru, has little ideological compass himself, and lacks the depth of knowledge to develop one. …And this is the guy who had the unmitigated gall to tell House conservatives in a meeting this past week “Guys, look. This is not a discussion. This is not a debate. You have no choice but to vote for this bill.” This administration will never be an effective leader for conservative principles as it stands right now.

I have, for the most part, avoided partisan discussion on this blog, choosing instead to focus on particular issues objectively and examine them from both sides. There’s a reason for this. Partisans focus on party. As Shephard shows, they care little for actual principle, and care only about advancing the party brand. Even when the party elite try to advance pure shit legislation that the majority of Americans recognize as dreck, winning is more important than what’s good for the country.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not only a Republican problem. The majority of Americans also opposed ObamaCare, but the legisleeches back then cared more about passing legacy legislation than ensuring the good of the nation. But apparently Republicans have learned nothing from that disaster.

It’s apparently more important for them to appear to be keeping their campaign promises than to actually be keeping them. Winning. That’s how you win in politics. You manipulate public perception into believing you’re doing something, and you claim victory. It’s not about America. It’s about your party winning in Congress. So yes, when intelligent people step in and put a damper on your plans with actual facts and figures, you have no choice but to malign and bully them.

What really gets me is that Shephard has so little self awareness, that he actually thinks denigrating legislators who analyze legislation and consider its fiscal implications as worthless and “a waste of a desk and a chair,” while wrapping himself in the “conservative” mantle somehow reflects positively on him and the vapid establishment squishes who pride themselves on having no principles, but “winning” at the polls.

The Trump voters work for a living, he says in an obsequious attempt to lick the taints of the ignorant, as if the members of the House Freedom Caucus have done no real work in their lives.

Mark Meadows, the current Chairman, started a small restaurant in North Carolina, and later sold it to start a successful real estate development endeavor in Florida. Yeah, what a failure!

Brian Babin of Texas is a dentist. Obviously, he can’t relate to the working man.

Rod Blum – with his degrees in finance and business administration obviously has nothing to contribute to the conversation about legislation that would affect this nation’s people and economy, and neither does economist Dave Brat.

The caucus includes businessmen, military veterans, doctors, realtors, small business owners, as well as lawyers. Obviously, they have nothing to contribute to the health care legislation debate, and they certainly don’t have anything in common with those Trump voters who work for a living, right, jackass?

Conservatives should not be defined by the number of notches they carve in the “win” column. Conservatives should specifically defined by their principles and ideology, which shouldn’t changed based on the way the political wind is blowing. If Shephard is correct, and the typical Trump voter wants results that will “improve our country,” they should be thanking the members of the House Freedom Caucus for ensuring that the GOP’s dumpster fire health care legislation, which did nothing to reduce government dependence and kept much of what Americans hated about ObamaCare in the first place firmly in place, never saw the light of day.

Members of the House Freedom Caucus were elected for a reason. They were open and transparent about their views, and their constituents selected them to represent their views in Congress. Maybe they were tired of politicians who told them what they wanted to hear, and then fell right in line with the usual bullshit once they got to Washington. There’s a reason they sent the calculating, ambitious, unprincipled Republican Eric Cantor home in favor of the educated, passionate, pro-freedom economist Dave Brat, despite Brat’s considerable disadvantage in the fundraising department. There’s only so many times you can betray the principles you claim to hold, before your constituents say, “ENOUGH!”

Congress needs more ideologically committed conservatives (and liberals), not fewer. We need less notches on our political bedposts and more actual wins. We need people who stand behind what they believe and rely on knowledge and experience, not their FEELZ, and who won’t be threatened and intimidated into backing down and doing anything less than what they objectively understand to be good for the country. They shouldn’t care that some carnival barker threatens to primary them, because this shouldn’t be a career from which to profit, but an honor to serve the people who put them in office.

The fact that these are men who stood up and opposed a bill that would have been awful for the country despite attempts to threaten and intimidate them speaks volumes about their love of their country and their respect for their constituents and yanks the curtain open on the puppetmasters, shining a stark spotlight on their lack of values and respect for America.

Trump promised us during the election that we would win so much, we’d get tired of winning.

Perhaps our definitions of “winning” need a tweak.

The GOP Dumpster Fire

GOPIn 2012, when the GOP establishment silenced grassroots voices at the RNC national convention and essentially entrenched itself as Lord and Master over those snotty, uppity TEA Partiers and Ron Paul supporters, I told the Republican Party to go to hell.

Not that I was much of a Republican anyway. I identified much more as a libertarian-minded independent, but I also knew my views in many ways matched Republican ones more than Democrats, if you had to look only at major parties.

I did not vote for John McCain in 2008. I did not vote for Mitt Romney in 2012. I did not vote for George W. Bush in either 2000 or 2004, even though most of my libertarian-leaning friends fell for his “smaller government,” “more liberty” promises. I did not abhor those men (except for maybe McCain, because he’s just SUCH a dick!), but I never felt confident giving any of them my vote. I have always considered my vote as a sacred duty to give my confidence to the people who I thought were best suited to run this country. My goal was never to win, but to ensure that my vote accurately reflected my views about who was best suited for the most important job in the land.

And yes, it is a job. And the election season is one big job interview, as far as I’m concerned. We, the American People, employ the President and every Congressperson and Senator whom we send to Washington. We pay them to represent us. We pay them to lead us. We certainly do not elect them, their cronies, or their moneyed supporters to impose on us what they think is best, because we’re apparently too stupid to know it ourselves. Many seem to have forgotten this, and base their votes on who can win or who is less terrible.

(At this point, I will inform the readers that I’m not engaging in debates with you about “throwing away” my vote, or “supporting Hillary” if I cast a vote for the third party. This debate has been rehashed in numerous discussions in numerous posts, both here and on social media. I’m not going to repeat it. So if you come here angling for a debate, screaming how I’m giving away the election to Hillary Clinton, or trying to convince me to vote for the Hairy Hemorrhoid™, save your energy. That’s not what this post is about anyway. I’m just providing some background and context.)

Mitt Romney lost in 2012. I cannot definitively say whether it was because of the “47 percent” or the “binders full of women” remarks that were so successfully exploited by the Obama campaign, or whether it was scores of Republican voters who, tired of holding their noses, were even more put off by the shenanigans of the 2012 convention. I know that couldn’t have helped.

I also know that the GOP has learned exactly dick since the last convention.

ullrichThe RNC establishment, working with the Trump campaign, quashed the “Free the Delegates” movement with a voice vote, ignoring calls for a roll call vote. A group of “Never Trump” supporters sought to unbind delegates and felt they secured enough signatures to force a roll-call vote on the party rules, which essentially centralized decision making in the RNC. Those delegates were also joined by those looking to decentralize said power after the 2012 debacle and encourage states to restrict primaries to registered Republicans, since the Republican nominee should logically be decided by… well… Republicans. Party members should decide who their candidate will be, not Democrats, many of whom I have personally seen admit they cast votes in open primaries for Trump to ensure the weakest candidate to challenge their Democratic nominee. That tactic isn’t new, and it works. An effort to ensure that only Republicans are able to choose their nominees was disingenuously dismissed with a voice vote, which many who were present say leaned in favor of the “Free the Delegates” movement.

Make no mistake, people. The grassroots were once again silenced by the establishment. The petty, pathetic tyrants Trump promised to challenge, banded together with his campaign to ensure victory and to silence real conservative opposition – to silence the very grassroots who supported the presumptive nominee in hopes of having their voices finally heard.

Gary Emineth, the former North Dakota GOP chairman who joined the Trump-RNC joint finance committee earlier month, says he was disgusted by the floor vote and immediately texted his resignation to Priebus.

Emineth says he’s furious the campaign and RNC worked in tandem to keep delegates from voting their conscience.

“I was on the Trump finance committee and I just resigned because that bully tactic is absurd,” Emineth said. “I just texted them right now. Why can’t the people be heard? I’ve been texting Reince for 10 minutes. He said we didn’t have the votes. We had 10, 11 states. They peeled people back. They were calling delegations asking people to step off the committee. You don’t do this in America. You do this in other countries.”

After being denied the vote, most of the delegation from Colorado walked off the floor in protest, leaving behind rows of empty seats, and reportedly former Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli tossed his credentials to the stage in disgust and walked off.

The Trump supporters will crow that this is proof positive that their grassroots conservative voices are finally being heard by the establishment. In fact, the opposite is true. I fully agree with this editorial.

The rules changes conservatives sought today were not anti-Trump. In actuality they were pro-Trump’s message of not encouraging a “rigged” system and Trump supporters should be livid. The rules adopted today increase the power of the Chairman of the Republican National Committee, lessen the voice of grassroots republicans, and further allow the establishment to rig the system.

The effort to return power to the grassroots did not start today, or even this year. Conservative members of the Rules committee have long tried to change rules that limit the involvement of the grassroots in the party. With a large portion of anti-establishment delegates in the hall, conservatives finally saw their chance to affect real change.  They were thwarted by the establishment who convinced Trump delegates that this was an effort to steal the election from Trump.

Over time the rules of the Republican Party have consolidated more power in the RNC Chairman and his hand-picked committee heads. This is especially true with Rule 12, which Mitt Romney allies pushed through in the 2012 convention. Rule 12 allows RNC rules to be modified by the members of the RNC rather than the quadrennial convention. This takes away significant power from the grassroots, acts as an excuse for rushing rules committee meetings, and shifts power for rule making away from the grassroots to the RNC itself, albeit with a high ¾ member bar.

The writer is correct. This isn’t new. The 2012 RNC fiasco took place long before this year’s primary season, and the fact that a Trump supporter and finance committee member recognized this stunt for what it is – an effort to further consolidate power within the RNC and silence the grassroots ought to tell you something. Maybe you should listen, because the GOP establishment certainly will not.

The Hypocrisy of Trump Supporters

I probably should have titled this blog post “The Hypocrisy of SOME Trump Supporters,” because I do know a few folks who aren’t complete morons, but who still support the Hairy Hemorrhoid™ because they believe he’s either the lesser of all the evils, or they are simply tired of everything and want to burn the whole place to the ground.

This does, however, tie in with my previous contention that Trump supporters, generally, will back this guy no matter what!

Trump claims he consults himself on foreign policy (and hires a guy who graduated college in 2009 and lists the Model UN on his resume as a foreign policy adviser), and they either screech off topic that this is just an empty attack, and that it doesn’t matter, or they claim it’s simply part of his strategery, because he’s so sharp, and “Oh, who are Hillary’s advisers?”

Trump engages in a campaign of character assassination against a reporter who accuses his staffer of roughly grabbing her? Oh, it wasn’t that hard, they claim!

Megyn Kelly asks Trump some hard questions, he whines about her being unfair to him, and his supporters rampage on Twitter, calling her everything from a bimbo to a trashy skank, to a cunt.

Because STRATEGERY! He’s just trying to keep his opponents off balance! MMMMKAY…

  Because life is so unfair to poor Donald!

The same people who criticize Barack Obama for his “evolution” on the issue of same sex marriage, don’t care that Trump was pro-choice until he “evolved,” although he still thinks Planned Parenthood does a lot of good, but no, he’s pro-life… so pro-life, in fact, that he wants women who get abortions punished by the government! 

They don’t care that he “evolved” on guns from an “assault” weapon banning, background check and waiting period to exercise a fundamental right-mandating statist prick to a “I SUPPORT OUR SECOND AMENDMENT RIGHTS!”

The same people who claim Hillary can’t be Commander-in-Chief, because BENGHAZI! are perfectly OK with a Commander-in-Chief who brags he will issue illegal orders to the military, and the military will damn well follow them, because he’s TRUMP!

Yes, the Hairy Hemorrhoid gave Clinton operative Terry McAuliffe $25,000 - that's TWENTY FIVE THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS - to win the governorship of Virginia!

The same people who are tired of candidates who are beholden to Wall Street and corporate interests worship at the tiny dick of someone who openly bragged about giving money to those same politicians, because that’s how you get things done and now wants to become one of them. 

The same people who complain about the establishment compromising on absolutely everything zealously support someone who openly brags about being flexible and making”great deals.”

The same people who scream and yell about Obama’s use of Executive Orders have no problem with Trump proudly claiming he will follow suit, because he will use them for “the right things.”

The same people who chastised Obama for his blindness on Russia during the 2012 campaign (the 80s called – they want their foreign policy back) ignore Trump’s outright ignorance on the threat of a resurgent, aggressive Russia and praise his insistence that he and Russian President Vladimir Putin would be BFFs

And the same people who claim to be staunch conservatives and assert that the only way they will abandon Trump is if he goes “back on his policies or his issues” ignore the fact that this is all he’s done throughout his life!

This stunning lack of self awareness and the refusal to see their own hypocrisy shows a desperation on behalf of the Trump supporters. They are so desperate for a change, that they are blindly and zealously supporting everything they claim to oppose, because ultimately, their goal is to piss off daddy (read: establishment) by bringing home the drunken guy with the nose ring (read: Trump), and not to “make America great again.”

America is already great. Those who have lived outside this country, those who lived under the oppressive boot of communism, those who have experienced authoritarianism understand that. 

How does the GOP come back?

Before the election, I couldn’t turn on the TV without being exposed to political ad after political ad, urging me to vote for one of the two big party, big government candidates to lead this country. I got so sick of the whole thing, I honestly stopped turning on the television. I would watch reruns of Penn and Teller’s Bullshit on OnDemand, knowing that there would be no ads, and stuck to Showtime shows with no commercials.

Now that the election is over, I thought that maybe we’d get a reprieve. Well, the political ads are gone, but now I’m being inundated with Republican self-flagellation. What went wrong? How did we lose? What can we do to retool the party? How does the GOP come back?

I just turned on the TV, and saw House Speaker John Boehner claim ” The principles of the party are sound.” As if all the party really needs is to revamp its message.

Well, guess what! the principles of the party are NOT sound. Not even close. The GOP is the big government alternative to the big government Democrats. Except where the Democrats can’t keep their snouts out of your wallet in an effort to level the field for those too indolent or too incompetent to achieve on their own, while the Republicans can’t keep their snouts out of your personal life in an effort to ensure that you abide by their moral values, and they will spend money to do so. Your money.

But it goes even deeper than that. Whereas Democrats are honest about their desire to take your earnings by force to redistribute it to *insert recipient here* – the Republicans don’t seem to want to even bother talking about changing the entitlement system. And Dog forbid we even mention reducing the size of the federal bureaucracy!

So, how does the GOP come back?

Here are a few ideas. You may disagree with me, and you’re welcome to do so. These thoughts are my own, and I’m sure you won’t like what I say. You also will get insulted at the way I say it. So be it.

Abortion. Stop promoting it as a national issue! It’s not. It’s not the job of the federal government to regulate it or fund it, so return the decision whether or not to legalize it to the states. Stop talking about dead children and shoving photos of dead fetuses in our faces. Stop talking about your religious values when it comes to abortion. No one gives a damn whether or not God told you that abortion is murder. It’s not a political issue, and it shouldn’t be. It’s not an issue with which the federal government should be dealing. You start talking about how it’s God’s will that a child resulting from rape should be born, and you sound like a frothing fundamentalist fruitcake. You may believe it, but to tell that to a woman who was brutalized by a rapist in your position as a politician is not only stupid, foul and insensitive, it will turn many women away. Frankly, we have bigger fish to fry than abortion. It’s one thing to advocate an end to federal funding of Planned Parenthood and other organizations that provide abortions – hell, as far as I’m concerned, we need to stop federal funding of health care. Period. We can’t afford it. It’s a service, and much like other services, taxpayers shouldn’t be forced to foot the bill. But quit trying to stick your noses into a woman’s vagina. Forcing a woman seeking an abortion to have a trans-vaginal ultrasound at the point of a government gun is repugnant.

Entitlements. No, we don’t want to protect them. We want to eventually phase them out! We need real reform. In 2011, 20 percent of the federal budget was spent on Social Security, and 23 on Medicare and Medicaid. This is nearly half the budget! HALF. Stop pretending that people deserve this money, because they paid into it, because they’re getting way more than they paid in, and they’re living longer on top of that, so they’re getting more longer. This can’t go on, so we need to phase it out. People are perfectly capable of saving for retirement themselves. Stop treating people like they need a government nanny. They don’t. Explain that Americans are responsible, hard-working, adults. They are perfectly capable of saving for retirement and purchasing health insurance after retirement. Trust me, if their taxes are lower, they will have more to save, and they are smart enough to purchase better insurance than Medicare. Have the balls to say it!

Stop trembling and stuttering anytime the Democrats accuse you of cutting taxes “for the rich.” People making $250,000 per year are not “rich.” They pay insane taxes, and considering 47 percent of the population pays no federal taxes at all, they just need to shut the hell up. Yes, we need to cut taxes. Yes, we need to cut spending. And while we’re at it, we need to simplify the damn tax code! The only ones who are benefiting from the lunacy that is our tax code are lawyers, accountants and the corrupt corporate assholes who help write it and fill it with loopholes that benefit them. Enough already! Eliminate the loopholes. Lower the corporate tax rate, which is the highest in the world. Ensure that companies pay the rate they’re supposed to pay.

You want to attract women and minorities to the party? Then tell them they are smart and capable. They are capable of success without special government protections. They are smart enough to achieve without the nanny state’s help. Show them they are welcome if they are willing to learn, achieve and succeed. If they aren’t, you don’t want them in your party anyway. And by the way, weed out the racist assholes. Please. There aren’t a whole lot of them, but they are loud and they ruin the conservative movement for the rest of us. If you see them, make them go away. We don’t tolerate racism and misogyny in the party. Make it clear without pandering and apologies. You are not responsible for racists, but you will be held responsible if you don’t boot them out of the party.

Stop. Imposing. Your. Religious. Mores. On. Others. I cannot stress this strongly enough. Stay the hell out of marriage. Stay the hell out of people’s sex lives. It is none of your business if two consenting adults want to spend their lives together. It shouldn’t be the government’s concern – on any level – who does what in their bedrooms. If they find a church that will marry them, fine. Stay the hell out of it! Stop demanding that religious ideas be taught in schools as science. If you want your kids to learn creationism, send them to a religious school. Leave the rest of us alone.

Strong national defense =/= interventionism. We are a great country. We should have a strong national defense. What we shouldn’t do is interfere in other nations in an effort to promote democracy or any other bullshit reason. We should not get involved in conflicts around the world unless our national security is directly at risk. And don’t be afraid to make cuts to defense. There are defense cuts to be made, but they shouldn’t be arbitrary. First audit everything and get rid of fraud, waste and abuse. Then look at how we’re spending our money. If the Pentagon says we don’t need an aircraft, then we don’t need it, and Congresscritters whose districts happen to build said aircraft shouldn’t impose said aircraft on the military. And do we really need a bunch of Chevy Volts at $40,000 per vehicle? I would argue we do not. Propping up Government Motors with this purchase is not a way to cut costs.

Have the balls to propose real spending cuts – especially getting rid of the gargantuan government bureaucracy. HUD, the Department of Transportation that subsidizes urban transit, passenger rail, etc., HHS, Education, Labor, Energy, whose regulations cost us billions per year , Agriculture that subsidizes and regulates the agricultural markets… these are gargantuan money sucks. Have the intestinal fortitude to either eliminate them altogether, or shrink them so much that they are barely a blip on our budget radar screen.

Attracting women to your ranks is not about supporting some superfluous equal pay law, but to show them that it’s the content of their character that matters, not their plumbing. Smart, self sufficient, intelligent women don’t need politicians’ help to succeed. They don’t need you to promise them free birth control. And if they cast their vote based on whether or not you’re willing to give them contraceptives at other people’s expense, then those aren’t the women you want. Women are smart, they’re ambitious, they’re capable, they pay taxes, and what they need is not empty promises about free birth control pills and forcing private employers to pay them higher salaries. They need the economy to grow, the opportunities to be plentiful and the chance to achieve on their own – like the intelligent, capable adults they are.

Look, being the party of “We’ll give you less free shit for the good of the country” rather than the party of merely free shit is not the way to go.

We need a real alternative, and you are not it.



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