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Tag Archives: Amy Schumer

Catching up

So, I’ve been in Miami the past few days. I generally like TDYs, but not to Miami, because it’s a) hot, b) humid c) filled with the kind of annoying drunken coeds on spring break that make you want to climb a tower and start picking them off with a high-powered rifle.

Also, whenever I go to Florida, I invariably wind up with a three-day headache. This trip was no exception, so it made the numerous meetings I had to attend that much more miserable.

That said, we did have some excellent food, saw some very cool art in the Winwood district between meetings, and I got to talk to a class full of high school students about careers. Yeah, I know. Someone allowed me to speak to kids. I actually corrupted young minds. You can blame my buddy Tim, who is a high school teacher, and somehow thought it was a cool idea to expose his students to my special brand of crazy. I did not drop the F-bomb during my speech. I did, however, drop one several times as we walked outside. In front of kids. Apparently, that’s a no-no or something… as if they never heard the word, “fuck” before.

Le Sigh.

I did take some very cool photos in Winwood with my phone, and they have this awesome taco joint, where we got to sit outside, eat amazing food, and get glared at by feral kittens.

Because kittens.

So what happened while I was gone?

Apparently, someone leaked 45’s tax returns from 2005. After getting her acolytes in a frothing frenzy about the shock and awe contained in those documents, Rachel Maddow broadcast on her show that…

…Trump paid his taxes.

At a higher rate than Romney, Obama, and Bernie Sanders.

Wow… well, that was a letdown, eh unhinged leftists?

And guess what! I know you’ll be shocked at this, but not only did he pay his taxes in 2005, he’s still President!

I’ll let you take a woosah moment.

What else happened?

I was watching the news this morning at my hotel room, when they decided that this was somehow newsworthy.

Mom jeans. With plastic panels, so when you wear these monstrosities, everyone can see your knees. Because what you need more than anything in the world is plastic panels that make your skin exude oodles of moisture to sweat up these clear panels on a warm day. Because, see, plastic doesn’t exactly allow for air circulation.

Literally, WTF?

Is there anyone in the entire universe who would pay $95 and actually wear these things? They’re like chaps for your knees.

Perhaps Nordstrom needs to fire a buyer or two.

Next up is the fiasco of a health care bill the GOP decided to excrete out of its wrecked anus. Rob blogged about this dumpster fire, previously, as did our buddy Jason Pye at FreedomWorks. The Congressional Budget Office savaged the bill, and some Republicans are now running from it like a BLM protester after breaking the window of a convenience store.

Here’s a clue, GOP. You don’t take a horrible law, and make it worse by adding your own even more horrible law on top of it, and then expect everyone to do a happy dance, because “Oh, look! We did something!”

It’s time Republicans stopped being stupid, but I guess that’s too much to ask for.

Oh, it snowed in DC. From the looks of it, we got maybe an inch or two, but that apparently didn’t stop the panicked doofi from stampeding grocery stores like so much rabid cattle. It was in the 70s in Miami, and today was a positively frosty 60 degrees. Yes, be jealous.

Also, apparently, Amy Schumer had a comedy tragedy special on Netflix recently. Let’s put aside the fact that she really does remind me of a potato, and apparently has the IQ of one. She was apparently so unfunny and terrible, that the makers of “Ishtar” are breathing a sigh of relief, because their unwatchable dreck is no longer at the bottom of the cinematographic heap.

IMDB reviews were brutal.

This was painful to watch. Save yourself the time and don’t bother watching this train wreck (that lame pun was better than anything in this special). I have never been a big fan of Amy but she was better when she was stealing other people’s jokes. Maybe she search some old comedy tapes for new material. 1 star is generous for this slop.

If this show was a smell, it would smell of fermented beans and disease.

Mercifully it ended but I’ll never be able to get those wasted hours back. Amy if you ever read any of these reviews I have a special message for you: suicide is still an option.

On my flight back to DC, I finally got a chance to watch “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.” I loved it! Not because I’m a Harry Potter fan… well… not only because I’m a Harry Potter fan. I thought the design was stunning, Eddie Redmayne is a phenomenally talented actor, and he was at the same time shy, innocent, and a brilliant badass, Colin Farrell was just right for the role of the ultimate bad buy pre-Voldemort, and JOHNNY DEPP!

And finally, I’m excited, because Wonder Woman is finally coming out this June! As a kid, I watched Lynda Carter transform into Wonder Woman on TV every day, and I wanted to be her so badly! That series resulted in my wearing “bracelets” made of tin foil on my wrists and a desire to change my name to “Diana.” And now, Gal Gadot will bring one of my favorite superheroes to the big screen! And it looks terrific, so I’m more than excited!

And yes, now that I’m back from TDY, I will blog more regularly. Thanks for caring.

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No, seriously – WHAT THE FUCK?

So apparently, this really horrible comedienne (I’ve seen “Trainwreck.” I didn’t find it funny.) Amy Schumer, who was accused of stealing other comics’ material, did some kind of stand-up show at Madison Square Garden, and had Madonna as her opening act.

madonna-youngNow, those of us who grew up in the 80s remember Madonna as a not halfway horrible pop singer that had awful fashion sense, wore a lot of cheap rubber jewelry, and sang about being a virgin or some shit. We also remember that the older she got, the more desperate for attention she became, publishing a coffee table book in 1992 that talked about sex and that included erotic photographs of her and essays she wrote about… oh fuck, I don’t even! I mean, really. She had Vanilla Ice in that book, ferfuckssake!

I also remember her being a decent dancer and choreographer, but with costume tastes that were about as awful as Lady Gaga’s. Meh.

In more recent years, she came out with some kind of skin care line, and basically faded into obscurity…

Until yesterday.

The Material Girl took the stage as the opening standup act for Amy Schumer at Madison Square Garden on Tuesday night, and joked about a proposition to people who cast their ballot for Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

“One more thing before I introduce this genius of comedy: If you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a b–job — and I am good,” she said to the crowd.

The 58-year-old singer went on to detail her qualifications for the position.

“I take my time, I have… eye contact and I do swallow,” she added, giving a thumbs up.

madonna_old-451x250Yeah. If you vote for someone who routinely violated diplomatic protocol, spilled classified information, lied about it, and whom diplomatic security agents apparently avoided like a flaming case of the herp, to run this country, you will get a blow job from a 58-year-old, dried up hooker. Oh, and she’ll swallow! There’s incentive for you!

Anyone else want to vomit in their own mouths?

Seriously, do you want to look down and see THAT with your trouser snake in its mouth? She’s past cougar and into perhaps vulture. She’ll swallow, alright. And later she’ll vomit your giblets back up to feed her offspring in their nest!

Realistically, I don’t care what that ancient whore does with her mouth, as long as it doesn’t come anywhere near me. I realize it’s a joke. But let’s get real here. Other than for freak points – are there really guys out there who would allow this tramp, whose mouth has probably seen more dick than a urinal. At Grand Central Station. During tourist season. To tongue tickle their  pickle?

And really… this is what this election has descended into? A desiccated hag, who is quickly approaching 60, offering to fellate any guy stupid enough to vote for the vagoo as President of the United States, and 1992 reports of a current Presidential candidate lasciviously telling 14-year-old kids in a youth group choir that he would date them in a couple of years?

This election can’t end fast enough!

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