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Category Archives: you can’t fix stupid

Dear Joss, Take Some Lithium

Joss Whedon has become legitimately unhinged. He made no secret of the fact that he didn’t like Donald Trump and didn’t support him for President. He bankrolled a $1 million celebrity campaign warning voters away from Trump during the 2016 election, he used social media to spread the message, and relied on his celebrity capital and A-list celeb buddies to spread the message far and wide.

It didn’t work. Trump is still president. And Joss has become completely unglued and somewhat hysterical.

He linked to a story about gay people reportedly being killed simply for their sexual preference.

Authorities in the southern Russian republic of Chechnya have reportedly kidnapped dozens of gay men in the past month and killed at least three as part of an roundup ordered against LGBT people there.

As horrific as that sounds, Whedon suggests it could soon be worse for gay people stateside.

Seriously. What the fuck, Joss? Have you lost your everloving mind?

For all his faults, Trump is actually damn good about leaving gay people alone to live and love as they please and supporting equal rights for LGBT people. He has no problem with gay people getting married, and has said so publicly. He was the first and only GOP presidential contender to publicly state that people should be able to use whatever bathroom they see fit, and he nominated openly gay Richard Grenell to become the next U.S. Ambassador to NATO!

Good lord! That’s about as far from killing people for their sexual preference as you can get without actually being gay!

But, of course, that won’t stop Joss from losing his shit on social media, because TRUMP! REPUBLICANS! DERP!

Look, Joss. I like your work. I liked Buffy and Dollhouse, and I’m a dedicated Firefly fan. I think you’re doing a great job for Marvel, and I love the Avengers movies. (Note: Agents of Shield blows goat dong, just sayin’.)

I think you’re a talented producer and entertainer, and I’ve enjoyed your work over the years.

But you need to get a hold of your quivering testes, and chill the hell out. You’re embarrassing yourself.

At no point did Trump ever exhibit anti-gay behavior. (And no, Pence doesn’t count. The “gay conversion” garbage was debunked months ago.)

And not only that, but if you’re comparing our system of government to that of Chechnya, which is led by a criminal thug, who is fond of torture, and who thinks Russia should outright attack Georgia and Ukraine and whose government claimed the alleged murder of gay men in Chechnya was nothing but an April Fool’s joke, you need mental help.

The United States is a bicameral, constitutional Republic. Chechnya is a third world shithole, partly controlled by Russia, and partly run by the criminal thug mentioned above, who seeks to impose Islamic law on all who live there, who banned alcohol and gambling and forced women to wear headscarves, and who publicly spoke in favor of polygamy and declared that lessons in the Koran and Sharia should be obligatory at Chechen schools. Add to that the absurd claim that gay people don’t exist in Chechnya, and it was therefore impossible to execute any of them, and you have shades of crazy that matched Iran’s Imadinnerjacket, who also claimed Iran didn’t have gay people.

In other words, Joss, the comparison is so absurd, that I have to wonder about your mental health.

I didn’t vote for Trump either. I didn’t support him, and I continue to criticize him when appropriate.

That’s what sane people do, Joss.

Unhinged lunatics like you, go on inane, rambling, paranoid tirades that have no grounding in reality, and make the rest of us embarrassed to be part of the same human race as you.

Perhaps you should spend a little more time condemning the government of Chechnya (such that it is) for this atrocity, and less time spewing outlandish speculations about a guy you don’t like, who happens to be the President. Oh, wait… I forgot. Chechnya is Muslim. I guess you can’t possibly condemn that, right, Joss?

Perhaps some lithium might do you good.

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Here’s a “Revelation”

Chelsea Handler is a moron.

I didn’t even know who this daft bint was until she saw it fit to rudely ridicule Melania Trump’s foreign accent in January. Handler, you see, doesn’t like 45 too much, and even helped lead a women’s march in Utah after his inauguration. OK, he’s not for everyone. I get that.

But this dried up hag went a step further when asked if she would ever have the First Lady on her show.  “To talk about what? She can barely speak English.”

For the record, Melania Trump was born in Slovenia, and speaks Slovenian, English, French, Serbian and German. I wonder how many languages Chelsea Handler can speak – other than retard.

Apparently, only English, and even that is lacking, judging from her tweet about Eric Trump’s announcement that he and his wife are expecting their first baby.

Those jeans! Those terrible jeans! Let’s hope they’re not the mom jeans with the plastic panels on the knees, because those are horrible!

I shouldn’t be surprised at the ignorance of this screeching slag, I suppose. It does bother me, as an immigrant, as someone who speaks multiple languages, and someone who obviously has better command of the English language than this Handler knobgobbler, that she would stoop so low as to ridicule someone whose first language is something other than English, and who obviously is more educated and accomplished than this sow, as something less than literate.

My mom has an engineering degree. She speaks Russian, English, and Ukrainian. She does have an accent, and she is embarrassed by it – so much, that she will still ask me to make phone calls for her when I’m around, even though she’s lived in this country since 1980, and even though her English is just fine. My dad has two Masters degrees in engineering, and has spent his life working his way up after coming to this country with practically no English. He also speaks Russian, Polish, Yiddish, some French, some German, and Ukrainian. Handler has a high school diploma, sucked copious amounts of cock to get where she is, and is now using her significant soapbox to malign immigrants who happen to be married to a President she doesn’t like and said President’s children. People like Handler are part of the reason why making a simple phone call stresses my mom out. I find Handler’s comments particularly galling, given the fact that her own mother was a German immigrant.

As a kid, I was particularly scared to go to school each day, because I was the only Russian-speaking immigrant in the class, because my English was crap, and because my classmates knew very little about the Cold War other than “Russia is bad.” I couldn’t communicate with them. They didn’t understand why I wore the same clothes every day, why I brought only a meager lunch to school with me, why we couldn’t afford the candy and chips they all gobbled at lunchtime, and why the teacher, for the most part, ignored me, even when I knew the answer to a question she posed, mostly by muscling through the work and trying to understand it through context.

To make matters worse after tweeting about Eric Trump’s jeans, and proving herself to be not quite as dumb as a box of hammers and not nearly as useful, the nitwit doubled down on showing just how much of an imbecile she is by blaming her apparent drug use for the spelling error.

Apparently correct language usage goes out the window when what’s left of one’s grey matter is addled by the wacky tobacky, as does one’s sense of decency.

Weed is apparently not a new thing for Handler, who a year or so ago got stoned for her Netflix documentary series “Chelsea Does.” Because apparently drugs are just “fun to do,” says the celebutard bimbo. “I want to show people what happens when you get fucked ed-up.”

Here’s Funbags McDumbass with Snoop Dogg, tokin up like a beast.

Well, here’s what happens. You get stoned, you get the munchies, you can’t find any stale Doritos in your pad, you grab some kitty litter and eat that, washing it down with some cheap vodka, and then you tweet at the President’s son, while mangling the English language, while conveniently forgetting that you denigrated the First Lady – an immigrant, which is a class of people whom you ostensibly support, and which includes your own mom – for her apparently poor English skills, and you get ridiculed.

A lot.

How do you say “Crazy Fucking Bitch” in West African?

That would be more appropriate than “Nkechi Amare Diallo,” which is the new name of Rachel Dolezal, which apparently means “Gift of God” in West African.

The 39-year-old filed to adopt the West African moniker in Washington State … according to Daily Mail. Nkechi is short for Nkechinyere in the Nigerian language of Igbo, and translates to “gift of god.”

Her new last name, Diallo, comes from the Fula people of West Africa and means “bold” … which seems all too fitting for the artist formerly known as Rachel.

This lying psycho is the gift that keeps on giving. Like a bad case of the herp, she just continues her outbreaks of stupid – as if no one will figure out who she is when she applies for jobs with this new moniker!

She started a Change.org petition in October urging the TEDx organization to post one of her controversial speeches from April, 2016 at the University of Idaho. She listed the petition under Nkechi Diallo, never mentioning her birth name.

Instead of learning from the experience and doing some serious introspection, this mental case has decided to double down on the stupid. She’s not sorry. She doesn’t care that she lied to thousands, while faking the African American experience. She just wants to continue lying and pretending to be something she’s not.

crazy-bitchShe’s better off doing the porn she claims she was offered. I’m sure there are severely damaged freaks who are into spray tan crazy chick pretending to be black. It’s a limited market, but she’d be a big fish in a small pond.

Kind of like Lobster Porn Crazy McZucchini Tits.

A Market for Bullshit

So the New York Times writes a piece about 45’s CPAC speech quoting him as having “included a promise to throw undocumented immigrants ‘the hell out of the country.'”

Only that was actually an outright lie, as caught by the Gateway Pundit. 

Trump said no such thing, according to the transcript of his speech. 

We are also going to save countless American lives. As we speak today, immigration offers are finding the gang members, the drug dealers and the criminal aliens and throwing them the hell out of our country.

So what he said was that drug dealers and criminal aliens are getting tossed “the hell out of our country.”

So is the NYT guilty of the very thing of which they accuse Trump – of being a bigoted asshole who pigeonholes all “undocumented” immigrants into the “violent drug dealer” box? 

Because it certainly sounds like that’s what the New York Times is doing. They paraphrased the President’s speech and took his words, which referred very specifically to a certain type of alien, and applied them to “undocumented immigrants” writ large. 

This says more about the “journalist” who wrote the piece – Glenn Thrush – than it does about Trump. 

Very telling. 

And, yes, I’m perfectly aware that they’re simply trying to paint the President as a bigot by misquoting him. Question is, how many believe it? If there wasn’t a market for bullshit, the crap would fly. 

Take, for example, the flag flap. Apparently, the Russian flags with Trump’s name on them were handed out prior to the 45’s CPAC speech by Democratic operatives. Question is, why did so many CPAC attendees take them and proceed to wave them around?

Because there’s a market for bullshit. They were either too ignorant to know what the Russian flag looks like, or they didn’t care, and grabbed it in their frothing zeal to show Trump their blind adoration. 

Whatever the reason, they grabbed up those flags. And whatever the reason, those anxious to believe that Trump is a an anti-immigration bigot, would immediately believe the NYT piece without doing any fact checking. 

The fact that the quote is utter bullshit doesn’t matter. It supports their preconceived notions, so it’s good to go. 

If there wasn’t a market for bullshit, it wouldn’t exist. 

Salon Shrewsplains Paella

paellaSome screeching, cunt-chafed harridan at Salon recently took to the Interwebz to shrewsplain to us why celebrities making paella in the wrong dish is apparently cultural appropriation. Mireia Triguero Roura sniffily tells us that while we were enjoying “unnecessarily gigantic meals” in our homes over the holidays (because she and her band of unshaven, rainbow-haired, perpetually offended harpies are ultimately the arbiters of what is necessary and what isn’t in other people’s lives), actor Rob Schneider was committing an act of nefarious cultural appropriation against Spain in his own home.

Spaniards were outraged. Some replied with angry, insulting tweets. Many sent pictures of their own paellas as inspiration. Others created fake, outrageous variations on the classic hot dog. A Spanish chef kindly took it upon himself to show the American actor what paella is and what it isn’t. For some hours, this became a trending topic in some regions in Spain. Schneider finally apologized and vowed to try to make it again, with all the new paella knowledge forced on to him through social media.

Massive raw lobster tails aside, Spaniards were reacting to what they felt was cultural appropriation of their cuisine.

Spaniards are certainly very proud of their cuisine, and we can be regionalists to a fault. No two towns can fully agree on what exactly you need to put in a paella. Some argue that onions give it the better flavor, but many will say that there is no place for them in the dish. Some take their issue with peas and fava beans, and others have unearthed family recipes going back to the 19th century to show that snails have a place on the rice. But small battles aside, there’s one thing everyone can agree on, and that is that one must cook paella in, well, a paella pan.

That’s right. Rob Schneider insensitively put stuff that he likes in his paella – in his own home – using the WRONG. FUCKING. PAN. – using ingredients he liked – and Spaniards lost their collective shit. Perhaps they should worry more about their abominable more than 18 percent unemployment rate, rather than soil themselves on Twitter because some celebrity posted a picture of his dinner, but that’s none of my business.

But then we have this Mireia Triguero Roura explaining just why it’s so offensive to cook what you want and how you want it in your own home, and I have to once again point to the fact that this cultural appropriation and perpetual offense garbage has jumped the shark. Hard.

The shallow and wide pan, with two handles in opposite sides, gives the name to this rice dish. And to some extent any rice dish cooked on such pan could qualify to be a paella. So even if we take this very low bar for defining paella, Schneider’s dish failed the test. As a twitter user pointed out he just made “rice with things,” or perhaps more accurately, things with rice.

Well… technically, that’s what paella is – rice with things. There’s vegetable paella. There’s seafood paella. There’s chicken paella, meat paella, mixed paella, you name it! There are also green beans, artichokes, and peppers – all depends on how you want to make it. So yeah – it’s rice with things, no matter how much snobbery you want to inject into your criticism.

To Schneider’s credit, where could he have turned to for a paella recipe that wouldn’t have infuriated most Spaniards? Just a few months ago, the famous chef Jamie Oliver failed the paella test again when he proposed a recipe that not only was again not made in the proper pan, but it also added something no Spaniard has ever seen in paella: chorizo. Just like Schneider, Oliver received his fair share of criticism on social media, and even newspapers reported the story as some outrageous insult to Spanish culture.

And why should Schneider give a shit if something he makes in his own home, for his friends and family, that he will consume “infuriates” anyone? Is he trying to sell it? No. Is he a chef in a Spanish restaurant? No. He’s a celebrity who posted a picture of his fucking dinner. Get over yourselves.

But unlike Schneider, Oliver is a chef, and a widely recognized one. So people will turn to him for advice. What are a celebrity chef’s responsibilities when writing a recipe for a dish that hails from a different cultural tradition than their own? How much should they stay close to the original dish and how much room do they have to be as creative as they want to be?

A chef is an artist with food. His only responsibility is to his customers, who will either love or hate his dish. He certainly has no responsibility to ask permission from the perpetually aggrieved about how he chooses to create. If they don’t like it, you know what they can do? Not spend money in his restaurant. Not buy the dish.

Did the Moors in ancient Spain, who began cultivating rice around the 10th century ask the Chinese in the Pearl River valley region who originated rice for permission to cultivate rice and use it in their dishes how they wished?

Did the Spaniards, who imported pepper seeds from Mexico in the 15th century ask them for permission to use them in their national dishes?

Saffron, a common spice in paella, is native to Southwest Asia and was likely cultivated in or near Greece. I don’t see the Greeks flinging “cultural appropriation” turds at the Spaniards for using that particular spice in their paella.

Food evolves, much like other art. Chefs explore new flavors, new spices, and new ingredients to make tasty dishes that stand out to their customers. Countries import various fruits, vegetables, and spices, and create new, interesting, innovative meals that vary with each individual palettes.

I’m guessing Mireia Triguero Roura is not that adventurous, nor is she open minded enough to understand diversity in that context, because when faced with a lack of things to be outraged about, these nags must dig deep to keep the indignation alive.

And she admits it.

It is hard to talk about cultural appropriation in food. For one, most cuisines have been developed as a result of the influences of many peoples, and hail from particular territories rather than countries.

Then perhaps she should stop talking about cultural appropriation in food. But no, she wastes many more paragraphs doing just that in the most inane, imbecilic manner!

A quick browse through the big food magazines in English reveals that virtually all have at least one paella recipe that includes chorizo—and most include other big no-nos among paella chefs. But most of them fail to mention that “chorizo” cannot be found in the dish in Spain. And in fact, most Spaniards felt even disgusted by the thought of it.

So what? Does that mean that others aren’t free to enjoy chorizo in their paella? Normal people just let others enjoy what they like, as long as it doesn’t infringe on their right to do the same. But apparently certain Special Snowflakes™ in Spain are unable to allow others to simply enjoy their own creations, so they have to destroy everyone else’s happiness, because it’s the only way they can validate their sad existences.

And yet if the nature of paella changes regionally inside Spain (even inside Valencia region), why should we allow those discrepancies only inside the borders of Spain? Shouldn’t we embrace, as David Rosengarten suggested in a Saveur article, the “changing nature of the dish” and “focus on the singular pleasure of eating it” instead? One could argue it should be a source of pride to see your cuisine become a source of inspiration for many around the world.

Unless one is a pretentious fuck weasel, in which case one writes entire articles waxing hysterical about “cultural appropriation.”

But at the heart of Spaniards’ battle to keep chorizo out of paellas around the world is the sense of protecting a sacred identity.

Sacred identity? What sort of fuckery is this? It’s food, ferpetessake! It’s rice mixed with olive oil, some veggies, spices, and proteins! It’s not like it came out of the Virgin Mary’s untapped asshole. It’s FOOD! Get over yourselves!

Earlier this year at Oberlin College, some students protested against a coleslaw and pulled-pork sandwich that was being sold under the name “banh mi,” which is a Vietnamese sandwich consisting of none of those ingredients.

manateeWell, color me shocked! Oberlin students – the mental institution that spawned the feminazi, child molesting landwhale Lena Dunham – are protesting something?

Take, however, two of the big immigrant cuisines in the U.S.: Mexican and Italian. Arguably, tacos ordered in Texas are quite different from a carnitas taco found in Jalisco. And “marinara” sauce in the United States has come to mean a whole different world from the original Italian word. But unlike Mexican-American and Italian-American food in the U.S., which are the result of large populations of immigrants settling in the country and bringing with them their food and recipes and adapting both to the ingredients and the palates of the land, the chorizo-paella (or the Oberlin “banh mi”) seems rather the result of non-Spanish chefs in a test kitchen deciding what belongs in a dish with what seems like little research or respect to the country of origin. And unlike most creations that are a result of culinary cross-pollination (think: the ramen burger), no one is changing the name to suggest this is a new creation. (I suggest we call this “choriella” from “chorizo” and “paella”).

So ultimately, what Mireia Triguero Roura is offended by is the word “paella.” Just like any other Special Snowflake™ she just haz teh sadz that someone has the temerity to use a word with which she disagrees to describe something as basic as food, made by someone other than she and her band of perpetually aggrieved shrews find acceptable, and therefore, since her delicate labia are bruised by mere words, she can’t help but publicly shame them for it. Nagging – it’s like Vagisil for the SJW soul.

Krishnendu Ray, a New York University professor of food studies, argues in “The Ethnic Restaurateur” that white chefs have more freedom to play with other people’s food than chefs of color do, which creates an inherent inequality in the field. To that, I would add that in a world where most people turn to the Internet to find recipes — and English is the de facto lingua franca of the online world — English-speaking chefs not only have more freedom to play around, but they also have the power to ultimately transform traditional dishes from other countries, without so much as an acknowledgement.

And of course, no Salon article would be complete without quoting some obscure, perpetually victimized “professor” of food studies, claiming “white privilege,” to give the drivel what passes for gravitas in the world of the culture jihadists.

Outrage? Check.

Cultural appropriation? Check.

White privilege? Check.

Ah! The recipe for progtard butthurt is complete!

Now, go enjoy your paella, heathens! Add some corn, tuna, and mayonnaise to it, and microwave it on high. And don’t forget to post a photo on Twitter and brag about your paella attempt, to really give this squealing nag something to gripe about!

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