So, I’ve been in Miami the past few days. I generally like TDYs, but not to Miami, because it’s a) hot, b) humid c) filled with the kind of annoying drunken coeds on spring break that make you want to climb a tower and start picking them off with a high-powered rifle.
Also, whenever I go to Florida, I invariably wind up with a three-day headache. This trip was no exception, so it made the numerous meetings I had to attend that much more miserable.
That said, we did have some excellent food, saw some very cool art in the Winwood district between meetings, and I got to talk to a class full of high school students about careers. Yeah, I know. Someone allowed me to speak to kids. I actually corrupted young minds. You can blame my buddy Tim, who is a high school teacher, and somehow thought it was a cool idea to expose his students to my special brand of crazy. I did not drop the F-bomb during my speech. I did, however, drop one several times as we walked outside. In front of kids. Apparently, that’s a no-no or something… as if they never heard the word, “fuck” before.
I did take some very cool photos in Winwood with my phone, and they have this awesome taco joint, where we got to sit outside, eat amazing food, and get glared at by feral kittens.
So what happened while I was gone?
Apparently, someone leaked 45’s tax returns from 2005. After getting her acolytes in a frothing frenzy about the shock and awe contained in those documents, Rachel Maddow broadcast on her show that…
…Trump paid his taxes.
At a higher rate than Romney, Obama, and Bernie Sanders.
Wow… well, that was a letdown, eh unhinged leftists?
And guess what! I know you’ll be shocked at this, but not only did he pay his taxes in 2005, he’s still President!
I’ll let you take a woosah moment.
What else happened?
I was watching the news this morning at my hotel room, when they decided that this was somehow newsworthy.
Mom jeans. With plastic panels, so when you wear these monstrosities, everyone can see your knees. Because what you need more than anything in the world is plastic panels that make your skin exude oodles of moisture to sweat up these clear panels on a warm day. Because, see, plastic doesn’t exactly allow for air circulation.
Is there anyone in the entire universe who would pay $95 and actually wear these things? They’re like chaps for your knees.
Perhaps Nordstrom needs to fire a buyer or two.
Next up is the fiasco of a health care bill the GOP decided to excrete out of its wrecked anus. Rob blogged about this dumpster fire, previously, as did our buddy Jason Pye at FreedomWorks. The Congressional Budget Office savaged the bill, and some Republicans are now running from it like a BLM protester after breaking the window of a convenience store.
Here’s a clue, GOP. You don’t take a horrible law, and make it worse by adding your own even more horrible law on top of it, and then expect everyone to do a happy dance, because “Oh, look! We did something!”
It’s time Republicans stopped being stupid, but I guess that’s too much to ask for.
Oh, it snowed in DC. From the looks of it, we got maybe an inch or two, but that apparently didn’t stop the panicked doofi from stampeding grocery stores like so much rabid cattle. It was in the 70s in Miami, and today was a positively frosty 60 degrees. Yes, be jealous.
Also, apparently, Amy Schumer had a
comedy tragedy special on Netflix recently. Let’s put aside the fact that she really does remind me of a potato, and apparently has the IQ of one. She was apparently so unfunny and terrible, that the makers of “Ishtar” are breathing a sigh of relief, because their unwatchable dreck is no longer at the bottom of the cinematographic heap.
This was painful to watch. Save yourself the time and don’t bother watching this train wreck (that lame pun was better than anything in this special). I have never been a big fan of Amy but she was better when she was stealing other people’s jokes. Maybe she search some old comedy tapes for new material. 1 star is generous for this slop.
If this show was a smell, it would smell of fermented beans and disease.
Mercifully it ended but I’ll never be able to get those wasted hours back. Amy if you ever read any of these reviews I have a special message for you: suicide is still an option.
On my flight back to DC, I finally got a chance to watch “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.” I loved it! Not because I’m a Harry Potter fan… well… not only because I’m a Harry Potter fan. I thought the design was stunning, Eddie Redmayne is a phenomenally talented actor, and he was at the same time shy, innocent, and a brilliant badass, Colin Farrell was just right for the role of the ultimate bad buy pre-Voldemort, and JOHNNY DEPP!
And finally, I’m excited, because Wonder Woman is finally coming out this June! As a kid, I watched Lynda Carter transform into Wonder Woman on TV every day, and I wanted to be her so badly! That series resulted in my wearing “bracelets” made of tin foil on my wrists and a desire to change my name to “Diana.” And now, Gal Gadot will bring one of my favorite superheroes to the big screen! And it looks terrific, so I’m more than excited!
And yes, now that I’m back from TDY, I will blog more regularly. Thanks for caring.
Those Tina Fey American Express commercials, where she goes on a massive impulse buying spree without a thought to the amount or to whether she needs the shit she’s gorge-buying in bulk.
Yeah, let’s encourage idiots in a country where overall household debt increased by 11 percent in the past decade, and where households owe $16,000 on the average in credit card debt, to buy shit they probably will never use, because a vapid celebrity who never has to worry about paying her debts or living paycheck to paycheck does so!
How many of us out there can go into a sports store, and buy hundreds of dollars worth of stuff we don’t even like or know how to use – all because IMPULSE BUY? I’d wager not a whole lot of us can say that, and yet tool stick over here is encouraging us to go out and buy shit anyway – shit you can’t afford, but hey… you have a credit card!
Yeah, let’s encourage that kind of behavior! Not.
And then there was this cock swizzle in the Metro station today. As I’m walking by, he says aggressively, while leaning toward passersby “Does anyone have a dollar? Anyone still remember those things?” As if it’s our fault that he’s a freeloading piece of detritus.
Dude, I work two jobs and am barely making ends meet. No one owes you a fucking dollar.
Job. Remember those things?
I’m usually pretty sympathetic. I’ve given food to the homeless, I’ve contributed thousands of dollars to charity, I’ve adopted two kids, and I’ve taken a homeless woman to a restaurant and bought her dinner.
But give me a fucktard who aggressively accosts me in the Metro station in an accusatory manner, because I won’t give him a dollar, and the only thing he’ll get is a throat punch.
Yeah, it’s Monday, and I’m in a mood.
I woke up relatively late for me, which means my dog and my cat actually allowed me to sleep today without singing me the song of their people entitled, “Pet me! No one has petted me in eight hours,” and “My food bowl is empty, bitch! Let’s go!” I have to admit it was cool to actually sleep until 9 on a weekend.
Since I wasn’t particularly tired, I had no excuse not to go to the gym, so I went. It was the first time I attempted a workout since the orthopedist sliced my ankle open over the summer and stitched together my ligaments, so I wondered how long I would last before collapsing. I didn’t do too badly.
Yeah, I’m pretty proud of myself. Not bad for the first workout since last summer.
The rest of the day will be spent in pajamas, hanging out with the animals and the husband. Chillin’.
Our plan was to find a movie to watch on one of the premium channels, because there’s not a single news channel that’s not either severely slanted left, or ridiculously skewed right. Want to see liberals losing their shit over an Executive Order? Go to CNN or MSNBC. Want to see the right collectively tongue bathe Trump’s ball sack? Tune in to Fox News.
Either way, the vapid, dull, biased outrageary has gotten old.
So, movies. I was distraught to find out from Snopes that Hollywood really wasn’t threatening a strike to force Trump to resign.
I was kind of hoping they would, and then I wouldn’t be subjected to such “classics” as the “Ghostbusters” remake, the “Independence Day” sequel, and the unwatchable and boring “Fifty Shades of ZZZzzz…”
If there’s a single reason for Trump to stay in office, let this be it!
Too bad it was a hoax.
Because maybe without the usual Hollywood histrionics, virtue signaling, and political messaging, maybe we’d have some interesting movies to watch.
We wound up watching last year’s Tarzan movie with Alexander Skaarsgard and Christoph Waltz. It wasn’t Oscar material or anything – at least by today’s standards. It was just cookie cutter fun. Nothing complex. Nothing particularly intelligent. Just a lot of beefcake thanks to Skaarsgard’s shirtless yumminess.
I guess I’ll spend the rest of the day watching “Charmed” reruns. At least their brand of feminism doesn’t involve parading around dressed as bloody tampons.
Every once in a while, you have to wonder if life imitates art, or vice versa.
I love “The Walking Dead.” It’s arguably one of the best written shows on television today. I’m generally not a fan of the zombie genre, but I like the idea of a zombie apocalypse as the event that precipitates the breakdown of society. The show is really about such a collapse – the collapse of government structures designed to protect the citizens, and the resulting anarchy.
Until recently, I thought of a zombie apocalypse itself as simple fiction. But now…
You want a zombie apocalypse? Because this is how you get a zombie apocalypse!
Officers with the Myrtle Beach Street Crimes Unit were conducting an undercover prostitution operation in Myrtle Beach Wednesday, according to police reports.
Offenders were contacted by undercover officers, got into undercover vehicles and agreed to sexual activity for prices ranging from $20 to $200, the reports said.
Oh. Dear. God.
I hope she charged on the low end of the scale for any type of “services” she provided.
Would you pay money to do the nasty with this creature? Without fear that she would nom on your giblets during or in the aftermath of coitus?
There are men who apparently did.
I can’t help but wonder how desperate or strung out on enormous amounts of the good shit one has to be to stick ANY body part into her! And if procreation happened (I can’t imagine she’s cautious about protection), would the offspring be the start of the zombie apocalypse that takes down society as we know it?
Unsurprisingly, the charges against her included drugs.
And those of us who wonder how a complete breakdown society could happen in a zombie apocalypse, have to wonder if this is the start.
Why is it that in a world where we have pig fucking jihadists setting bombs in our cities…
Where protests against police shootings turn violent…
Where ISIS launches a mustard gas attack against our troops…
Where Russia’s president Vladimir Putin has proven once again that history repeats itself by essentially revamping Russia’s security apparatus to resurrect the KGB…
And where of the two major party candidates for the most powerful office in the world – one is in bed with the Russians, fellating Putin so hard, that he might actually swallow and digest his microscopic cock, and the other apparently can’t even tell the difference between a classified portion marking and a paragraph marked in alphabetical order (because the only letter in the alphabet is apparently “C”)…
Why is it that with all this shit going on in the world today, the biggest news story on my news feeds is Brangelina’s divorce?
You know what I learned today against my will?
That apparently Brad Pitt was allegedly fucking around on Angelina Jolie with some French actress about whom I know nothing, and who denies this allegation.
Why anyone cares about this, I cannot possibly fathom, but when I get on my news feed (the news app on my iPhone) or on social media, and all I see is the gaunt, fat-lipped face of Jolie and Pitt’s hobo beard, I have to wonder what the hell the obsession is.
Yes, they’re rich. Yes, they’re famous. Yes, they’re probably somewhat weird. But the richer and more famous they are, the more bizarre their public displays and the more problems they have keeping their shit private.
It’s like we’re living vicariously through them! OH LOOK! THEY’RE RICH AND FAMOUS, SO LET’S GAWP AT THEIR FAMILY PROBLEMS TO MAKE US FEEL BETTER ABOUT OURSELVES.
Please. Make it stop.
And yes, I’m cranky. You would be too if you had to do physical therapy for a bum ankle twice every week.
But on the bright side, my buddy Dennis is helping kick cancer’s ass in his own special way.
Now, y’all are familiar with Dennis’ work, because I proudly carry my pistols in various holsters he has made for me. Well, Dennis is raising money to help fight prostate cancer and giving you the opportunity to win…
Now, motherfucker, this isn’t just some ordinary holster!
This holster is autographed by the NY Times Best-Selling author of the Monster Hunter International series Larry Correia, who was kind enough to autograph this holster for this fundraiser when Dennis met him at Liberty-Con.
There are other autographed holsters as well. I noted one with Dean Cain’s signature on it. Dean Cain is hot. Just sayin’.
So here’s how you register to win one of these beauties!
1) Go to the donation page by clicking here.
2) Make the donation in multiples of $10
3) When you go through checkout, select Team Dragon from the drop-down list so that we get credited with bringing in your donation.
4) When you get the PayPal receipt in your email, simply forward that email to email@example.com so we can verify the amount donated, and that the donation was made to Team Dragon.
5) In the forwarded mail, let me know how to apply the donation (which holster, how to split up multiple entries, etc.)
6) We’ll email you letting you know that your entries have been logged.
We’ll draw the winning entries first week of October, after the fundraiser is done.
Go here and do it. Trust me.
Because FUCK CANCER!