No, I won’t be watching. No, I won’t be giving you a play-by-play. Frankly, it’s because I like my sanity – what little is left of it – and because tonight’s topic is national security, I’d also like to not be fighting the urge to put a fist through my TV for 90 minutes. As a matter of fact, there’s a ton of things I’d rather be doing than watching the debate, so here’s a partial list.
- Root canal. I love root canals.
- Playing with raw meat inside an alligator enclosure in Florida.
- Drinking antifreeze (don’t worry I was a college student once – I’m sure I’ve ingested worse stuff).
- Being ravaged by a herd of hungry yak.
- Being torn apart by Walking Dead zombies.
- Tumbling into a gorilla enclosure.
- Listening to a fat acceptance lecture by Trigglypuff.
- Electric shock therapy.
- Prostate exam. Yes, I know I don’t have one. I don’t care.
- Reading Damien Walter columns.
- Giving Michael Moore a sponge bath.
- Shaving my bikini line with a rusty weed wacker.
- Sniffing Arthur Cho’s bicycle seat.
- Having dinner with cannibalistic pygmies.
- Bathing in my dog’s slobber.
- Giving my cat a bath.
- Memorizing the list of gender pronouns now recognized in New York.
- Two words: Clorox douche.
- Picking the lint from Mama June’s belly button.
- Gargling Axe body spray.
- Having my ovaries removed with a pair of salad tongs. By a blind veterinarian.
- Discussing Kierkegaard with an ADHD toddler.
- Expressing Tucker’s anal glands.
- Expressing ANYONE’S anal glands.
- Trying on Kanye’s new clothing line (yeah, the one that makes you look like you’re a concentration camp survivor).
- Having a Twitter conversation with Anthony Weiner.
- Smelling dog farts.
- Smelling husband farts after a night of cheap beer.
- Napping in a snake pit.
- Working as Kim Kardashian’s gynecologist.
- Reading the Torah at a KKK gathering.
- Using a porta-john at a Nickelback concert.
- Eating my own vomit.
- Drinking a kale, ketchup, and urine smoothie (giving antifreeze a run for its money).
- Picking gum off the bottom of a chair in my old high school and chewing it.
- Listening to Roseanne Barr “sing” the national anthem.
- Making out with Michael Jackson’s desiccated carcass.
- Having a rabid ferret chew on my crotch.
- Snorting hot sauce.
- Three words: hot tar enema.
Get the message?
I must be sheltered or something, because I’ve never heard of this. Rob says he’s seen it before – a weird form of fetish where grown men want to live their lives as dogs. Leather clad dogs. This is apparently a thing. A British TV channel is doing a documentary on these freaks.
The programme also features the sad story of Tom, 32, a theatre technician from Tring, Hertforshire, who split up with his fiancee Rachel because of his yearning to dress up as a Dalmatian.
He says: ‘You disappear and start chasing puppy toys. You go so deep into the head space, you crave it and want it. It’s just magic.’
It’s not about sex, they claim, but a number of them are dressed like BDSM fiends. Leather, chains, masks…
And this… uh… “hobby,” is expensive. This douche Tom – pictured as a dalmatian to the left – not only lost his girlfriend over this (‘I didn’t understand it. I didn’t want to understand it,’ says Rachel, who remains friends with Tom.), but he also spends loads of money on his doggie alter ego.
Look, I’m not one to judge anyone’s fetishes. Whatever you do, more power to you, as long as you don’t infringe on the rights of others while you do it.
I just wonder if these freaks are going to demand their own bathrooms soon. Or hydrants. Or whether they’re going to need someone to pick up their… uh… leavings when they go out.
I have to wonder if this is a weird attention ploy, or some kind of odd mental disorder. I’m not really sure what to think about it. I suppose it’s kind of harmless, unless you count the loved ones who have to put up with this, like Rachel here.
Personally, I’m not into interspecies erotica, so I prefer my mates in human form, thanks.
I admit it. I’m a huge fan of Chris Hardwick. Not only is he the host of “The Talking Dead,” the talk show that comes on after my favorite TV series of all time, but he’s also absolutely hysterical!
Does anyone not know where this is going?
Yep. Chris found Fappin Mike, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Hilarity ensues. Watch this.
UPDATE: In the latest installment of Fappin Mike’s excellent fapdventures, Mike not only compares the consequences of his porn tab fiasco to the Holocaust, but admits he hasn’t gotten laid in 30 years.
I want to make this perfectly clear: In my entire life, I have only had carnal knowledge, more than a simple kiss, and only after asking first, of two women, both over 30 years ago while I was in college because I believe in the sanctity of marriage.
That would explain a lot.
It’s a Saturday, and I want to have some fun, so instead of the usual blog post, let’s caption a funny.
The other day, the Hairy Hemorrhoid became the first Presidential candidate ever to reference his dick in a nationally televised debate.
We’ve all see the photo of him looking like he grabbed a rather well endowed intern and checked out her assets as he was discussing his peen. Heck, I captioned it in yesterday’s post.
But today, I have another – even better – shot of that moment that captures the look on the face of Ted Cruz during the cock discussion. A look of “What. In. The. Everloving. Fuck.”
Now it’s your turn guys! Captions in comments. Just what is Ted Cruz thinking?