Category Archives: America

No, seriously – WHAT THE FUCK?

So apparently, this really horrible comedienne (I’ve seen “Trainwreck.” I didn’t find it funny.) Amy Schumer, who was accused of stealing other comics’ material, did some kind of stand-up show at Madison Square Garden, and had Madonna as her opening act.

madonna-youngNow, those of us who grew up in the 80s remember Madonna as a not halfway horrible pop singer that had awful fashion sense, wore a lot of cheap rubber jewelry, and sang about being a virgin or some shit. We also remember that the older she got, the more desperate for attention she became, publishing a coffee table book in 1992 that talked about sex and that included erotic photographs of her and essays she wrote about… oh fuck, I don’t even! I mean, really. She had Vanilla Ice in that book, ferfuckssake!

I also remember her being a decent dancer and choreographer, but with costume tastes that were about as awful as Lady Gaga’s. Meh.

In more recent years, she came out with some kind of skin care line, and basically faded into obscurity…

Until yesterday.

The Material Girl took the stage as the opening standup act for Amy Schumer at Madison Square Garden on Tuesday night, and joked about a proposition to people who cast their ballot for Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton.

“One more thing before I introduce this genius of comedy: If you vote for Hillary Clinton, I will give you a b–job — and I am good,” she said to the crowd.

The 58-year-old singer went on to detail her qualifications for the position.

“I take my time, I have… eye contact and I do swallow,” she added, giving a thumbs up.

madonna_old-451x250Yeah. If you vote for someone who routinely violated diplomatic protocol, spilled classified information, lied about it, and whom diplomatic security agents apparently avoided like a flaming case of the herp, to run this country, you will get a blow job from a 58-year-old, dried up hooker. Oh, and she’ll swallow! There’s incentive for you!

Anyone else want to vomit in their own mouths?

Seriously, do you want to look down and see THAT with your trouser snake in its mouth? She’s past cougar and into perhaps vulture. She’ll swallow, alright. And later she’ll vomit your giblets back up to feed her offspring in their nest!

Realistically, I don’t care what that ancient whore does with her mouth, as long as it doesn’t come anywhere near me. I realize it’s a joke. But let’s get real here. Other than for freak points – are there really guys out there who would allow this tramp, whose mouth has probably seen more dick than a urinal. At Grand Central Station. During tourist season. To tongue tickle their  pickle?

And really… this is what this election has descended into? A desiccated hag, who is quickly approaching 60, offering to fellate any guy stupid enough to vote for the vagoo as President of the United States, and 1992 reports of a current Presidential candidate lasciviously telling 14-year-old kids in a youth group choir that he would date them in a couple of years?

This election can’t end fast enough!

Yes, America is great

yard_signI passed a house in Arlington yesterday on my way to physical therapy with a monster yard sign that said “Giant Meteor 2016.” A smaller yard sign closer to the entrance to the home said “Everybody Sucks 2016.” I giggled as I drove by, and lamented not having taken a photo of the place.

I then thought about the signs and breathed a sigh of relief.

See, my parents told me when I was a kid that they voted in the USSR. They voted for the one candidate on the ballot – the one candidate for whom it was acceptable to vote – and a vote for anyone else, or a non-vote could see you tossed in a not so nice, dank place. Not belonging to the Communist Party was also a no-go. No job. No future. No freedom. Being a Jew in the USSR meant no future – at least not in a career of your choice – and near constant abuse at the hands of those in authority.

No, you couldn’t own a business of any size – and even now, unless you have government connections, you ain’t gonna succeed, buddy!

Living in the USSR meant empty store shelves, getting water in buckets from the nearest factory, so you could bathe and make tea, wiping your ass with newspaper, and long lines when stores did get food.

When I first visited a supermarket in the United States, my jaw literally dropped. I was in shock at all the different colored vegetables, the types of cereal, sodas, potato chips, candy, and milk!

So when I hear the drooling acolytes of one of the current presidential contenders screech “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” I really want to laugh at the lack of perspective. I suspect most of these people never left the United States.

And as much as I appreciate our Canadian neighbors – and I do love visiting Canada – reminding us that our country is still great is pretty much unnecessary. Those of us with some perspective already know this, and those without, you’re never going to convince anyway.

Yes, we have nice people, Disney World, the NFL, barbecue, Star Wars, and NASA.

Yes, our Declaration of Independence is sheer poetry. We’re glad you noticed.

But frankly, while these things are neat, that’s not really what makes America great – at least not to my mind, as an immigrant.

What makes us great is that I’m able to write this blog.

What makes America great is that even the douchiest of howler monkeys can have their say (and can be ridiculed when appropriate), without worrying that they’ll be arrested or killed by government agents.

What makes us great is that the right to speak freely, worship as we see fit – or not – write, express ourselves, assemble, and live our lives, as well as the ability to stand up and defend ourselves is actually enshrined in our founding documents.

What makes us great is that we can loudly and passionately espouse our political and social beliefs without fear of government retribution.

constitution-declaration-independence-flag-23487952What makes us great is that each of us has the opportunity to climb higher and achieve more. It may be difficult – harder for some than others – but we can do it, and many of us have.

What makes America great is that media outlets – even the most idiotic ones, like Salon, InfoWars, and *insert every stupid clickbait bullshit site here* – exist and freely publish garbage. We are free to click or not.

What makes America great is that a person who comes here from another country with nothing can become a success story.

What makes us great is that we have voices, and we can implement change by participating in the government processes from local to national. We can vote – or not. We can write in a candidate, or leave the ballot blank, and no one will come knocking at our door, and dragging us away in the middle of the night to the aforementioned not so nice place.

What makes us great is that one douchebag – or several – can show disrespect for our flag and our national anthem, and still keep their job and still be free to make millions at their chosen profession no matter what race they are.

What makes America great is that we’re a team – we’re a family. Yeah, I may not always agree with individuals on my team. I may think they’re uninformed, blithering morons at times. But I have to believe that the majority of us love this dysfunctional family, and when tragedy strikes, we support one another and those whom we entrusted to lead, and we are generous to others. When push comes to shove, we are one nation and one people.

What makes America great is that we actually strive to be better. We may not be perfect, but we work to be more inclusive, provide more opportunities, and to foster understanding among ourselves.

What makes America great is that small percentage of men and women who are willing to stand on that wall and protect America against existential threats. They step up. I have. My kids have. My friends have. For no bigger reason than we understand just how precious and special America is.

What makes America great is that we have the ability to shine a light on corruption and protect those who do. We’re not always perfect at doing so, but at least those protections exist, and people do use them. Try that in Russia or any other world shithole, and you’ll be at best prosecuted, and at worst disappeared.

No, we are not perfect. Yes, we have massive faults. And lest you think some alien kidnapped me and turned me into a twisted Polyanna version of myself… trust me, I’m still me.

I’m just a me that understands that some screeching dickwads and their harpy followers won’t destroy America’s greatness.

I’m a me that understands that some socialist swine who think others are entitled to my efforts will not ultimately change the nature and the ideal of this country – precisely because we’re ultimately a family, and precisely because our rights are enshrined in the founding documents of this country, and precisely because our very nature, our generosity, our strength of vision, and our freedom to make our voices heard, even though sometimes we forget who we are, will not allow us to be anything else.

So while it’s a sweet reminder, Canada, I doubt that we could ever ultimately forget just who we are. We may sometimes sweep it aside in a bout of partisan rancor or outright bitterness about the short-term state of affairs, but America is already great. We’re great because of our people, our potential, our opportunities, and our freedom to be the change we desire, and anyone who tells you otherwise, because America is somehow not living up to his oh-so-lofty, self-important, uber-religious ideal, is free to leave…

…or get fucked by a cactus. Wrapped in rusty barbed wire. Dipped in battery acid.

A couple of non-partisan election thoughts

I’ve made the decision recently that I’m not voting for President this year. For the first time in my adult life, I do not feel any of the candidates deserve my vote. I know one of them will be President, but that does not mean I have to participate in the process that puts that person in the White House. It doesn’t mean I have to contribute to the clown show. Let it go on without me.

That said, I’d like to remind folks of something. The vast majority of issues that Americans wring their hands about, the President can’t do anything about – and shouldn’t – not without Congress. New taxes? Congress. Gun control legislation? Congress. Budget? Congress. Police abuses? None of his business. Marriage equality? How is that the job of the President?

You know what the President can do something about? You know what his primary function is? Commander-in-Chief of the Armed Forces. Also, he can make treaties, provided two thirds of the Senators present concur; appoint ambassadors, other public ministers and consuls, Supreme Court justices, and his Cabinet members.

National security and foreign policy. Those are the biggies.

So here’s what you have as your choices.

One of them, despite having been a classification authority as SECSTATE and having a daily PDB, claims she couldn’t figure out that (C) is a classification portion marking. Either that, or she hopes that most people are stupid enough to believe that. Either way, it’s unacceptable. She is also much more hawkish, and has no problem involving the US in foreign conflicts. Not good.

The second one doesn’t understand how our biggest and most important alliance works, thinks he can force military commanders to murder civilian family members of terrorists (hint: he can’t, because members of the military have an obligation to disobey illegal orders), and has so little understanding of macroeconomics and foreign policy, that he thinks he can use a trade deficit to pay for a wall and trade wars to bring jobs back to the United States.

gary-johnson-meme-300x198The third one can’t name a foreign leader he admires. Actually he can’t name a foreign leader at all. And sorry, libertarians, but this meme is beyond stupid. Just because he may not like or admire any foreign leader doesn’t absolve him of the responsibility of knowing who they are and understanding global issues and the world leaders who are a part of them.

One is bought and paid for by the Russians, the other one is bought and paid for by the Saudis, and the third one doesn’t know enough to be bought.

Two want to deprive Americans of their Second Amendment rights without due process. (See: the alleged terror watchlist on which nearly half the people have no terrorist ties whatsoever, but both candidates want to use to forbid citizens to purchase guns.) The third chose a running mate who compared an AR-15 to a weapon of mass destruction.

In other words, you can pick your poison with this election. And each of them would be poison in slightly different ways, but poison nonetheless.

This is why Trump’s latest “scandal” doesn’t surprise me. Ultimately, it has very little to do with being President – other than the fact that the world would see this country elect a boorish, tasteless, gaudy shitbag. I already knew he’s a dick. I already knew he is a classless bag of . This is no shock, and I don’t know why everyone is clutching their pearls at the conversation between Trump and Billy Bush (whoever that is) over a decade ago about women and how he acts around them. This shouldn’t be a shock to anyone.

There’s a case to be made that this is locker room talk. This is how guys banter among one another. I’ve hung out with enough infantry guys to not let that bother me. He’s disrespectful. We already knew that.

But here’s what does bother me. I can’t tell whether he’s just bragging like a teenager going through puberty about his sexual conquests, or whether he’s actually assaulted women.

Trump: Yeah, that’s her. With the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful—I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.

Bush: Whatever you want.

Trump: Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.

What he’s saying there is that he randomly sticks his mouth on women and grabs them by the genitals, because dammit the bitch wants it. Because he’s rich. And he’s a star. He doesn’t ask them. He just grabs their crotch. Right?

Is he just bragging here about being so YUGELY famous, or did he actually grab women by their crotches and assume he could because he’s rich and famous?

If he did, that’s called sexual assault, boys and girls. And that makes him a sexual predator.

That does bother me.

And no. “But Bill Clinton sexually assaulted XX amount of women” will not mitigate this.

No, “But Hillary Clinton helped him cover it up” will not make this any more acceptable.

No, “But BENGHAZIIII!” is not an answer.

If he sexually assaulted women, he does not belong in the White House.

It is not acceptable.

I understand men talk all kinds of shit in the locker room. But if he has actually done what he says…

…he belongs in PMITA prison.

It’s Debate Season – Here’s how to Make Us Care

campaign-hats-600-liMy friend Amy Ridenour yesterday wrote an editorial in Denver Post advising future moderators about making the debate questions more relevant, interesting, and perhaps challenging. I, for one, cannot tolerate more than a couple of minutes of either candidate, spewing the same, stale platitudes and non-answers. But I guess they also have to consider the lowest common denominator. I like a number of her ideas, including tailoring the questions to each candidate. Each candidate has different strengths and weaknesses, so talk to those.

The first question in the first debate — essentially, how can America create more jobs? — allowed the candidates to repeat memorized sound bites. If you didn’t already know Donald Trump opposes NAFTA and believes in better trade deals, then you learned something. Likewise, if you’ve never heard Democratic Party talking points — the rich get more than their fair share, let’s enact paid family leave and increase the minimum wage — your eyes were opened.

But these things were already known to most voters.

The mark of a great moderator is his ability to take things to the next level.

Moderator Lester Holt should have asked Trump: Many Americans agree that too many jobs have gone overseas, but they also enjoy low prices. When a company manufactures overseas, it can reduce prices. If your proposals go into effect, by how much will prices rise? Be specific and tell us why we should trust your numbers. How do you know the American people prefer more jobs to lower prices?

Holt should have asked Clinton: You frequently speak of fairness, about family leave and taxpayer-funded child care, and raising the minimum wage. But these things cost money; they don’t create — and often kill — jobs. The one proposal you make to create jobs, promoting alternative energy, was tried by President Obama and resulted in billions spent on bankrupt companies. Do you have any policy ideas to cause substantial job creation in the private sector? If you don’t, isn’t it correct to say that you have no plan to expand America’s wealth?

These are actually intelligent suggestions. I guess my question is: are the candidates going to actually answer the questions?

I actually did watch last night’s Vice Presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine. It’s a sad statement on the state of the election when no matter what question was asked on what issue, the first thing the candidates did was impugn one another’s running mates.

It went something like this:

Moderator: How would you deal with the burgeoning North Korean threat if they actually developed nuclear missiles that could reach the United States?

Pence: Well, if Hillary Clinton would just release the 30,000 emails…

Kaine: Well, if Trump would actually release his tax returns like every other presidential candidate…

Both: Bluster, grumble, blah, derp!

Pence: Oh… Did you say something about North Korea?

And that’s pretty much how it went on every question.

Yeah, yeah. We got it. Trump is evil. Hillary is evil. Blah, blah, blah.

I will also say that both candidates really have the personalities of toilet seat mold, so I kept myself occupied with playing mindless games on my phone, while occasionally yelling at my screen for them to answer the damn question and stop interrupting.

badgerThere were times when the moderator would try to ask the next question, and you couldn’t even hear her, because both Pence and Kaine just yammered on at one another, interrupting and not even listening.

Estimates put Kaine’s interruptions at 70 last night, while Pence interrupted about 40 times. Whom do they think they’re persuading when no one can hear the answers, or questions, for that matter?

So I got bored. And since Amy provided valuable advice to make the debates more topical, I’d like to provide a few ideas I feel would make the debates more exciting.

  1. Cage. Rabid badgers. Candidates. Think about it! Two candidates being asked policy questions while being chased by rabid badgers inside a transparent enclosure! You can’t tell me that won’t be fun!
  2. Anytime a candidate rudely interrupts his or her opponent, a moderator will come up and slap them upside the head. Hard. With a two-by-four.
  3. Fact check breaks. If a candidate makes an assertion, fact checkers from both sides of the political aisle immediately research said assertion. If it’s wrong, the moderator will come up and slap the candidate upside the head. Hard. With a two-by-four. See above.
  4. If a candidate is caught lying, he or she will immediately be placed in a glass booth filled with venomous snakes and will stay in there until they tell the truth. Tarantulas – hairy ones – are also acceptable.
  5. Bad tequila shots. Instead of having drinking games where the audience gets shitfaced every time a candidate says a particular word or phrase, or repeats an assertion, have the candidate take a shot. They’ll be plastered and vomiting on themselves by the end of the debate, and their answers will be a lot more fun!
    • Moderator: Tell us, Secretary Clinton, how would you deal with North Korea’s quest for more powerful nuclear weapons?
    • Clinton (sloshed and slurring): Fuck that little, fat shit. I’d go over there, have my Secret Service guys tie him down naked, and shove a live, writhing hedgehog up his ass. I’ll fucking make him regret being born, that midgety little motherfucker.. *grumble*
  6. Audience involvement. After every question has been answered, have the audience throw rotten fruit at the candidate of their choice.
  7. Mud wrestling match in a kiddie poll. Fully dressed. Nuff said.
  8. Hunger Games meets Survivor. Instead of debates, just put the candidates on an island with fatal booby traps. The last two standing will be President and VP.
  9. Moderated by a drunken Mel Gibson. Just because.

Those are just a few fun potential additions to the election season. I mean, who wants to sit there and stare at the same old candidates rehash the same old points without giving a thought to the actual questions asked?

This will be way more exciting! And maybe this will get the country to actually closely focus on the candidates and what they bring to the job!

Who’s with me? Any more cool ideas? Add your own in comments.

Luke Cage: Not for Stupid People


You can’t tell me this man isn’t deliciously HAWT!

Because I loved DareDevil and Jessica Jones, I decided it was time to binge watch Marvel’s Luke Cage on Netflix. I liked the character a lot on Jessica Jones, and yes, it does help that Mike Colter is easy on the eyes and has a voice like butter. But most of all, I liked the plot, the character development, and the terrific acting by a very talented cast, including the always amazing Rosario Dawson, the shining Mahershala Ali (whom you may remember as Remy on House of Cards), who struck a beautiful balance as Cottonmouth between a thug and an almost sympathetic figure, and the legendary Alfre Woodard.

There’s action. There’s adventure. There’s dark and light. And there’s pretty damn good music too!

So of course, it would stand to reason that both the dumbasses on the right and the left can’t leave well enough alone.

For the record, not a single friend I have who has seen this show (and there are quite a few) – black or white – has gotten butthurt about diversity, or lack thereof, in the series.

Maybe I live in a warm, fuzzy cocoon, or maybe the dumbasses on both sides are just that shrill, that they immediately need to draw attention to their pathetic dumbassery, and simply can’t allow themselves or others to enjoy the show for what it is – a well written, well acted show.


Luke Cage is obviously not for stupid people either.

No, seriously WHY?

The dumbassery is twofold here. It’s like when your very Jewish parents find out your boss’ last name and proceed to ask whether he’s Jewish, because you know… the name sounds Jewish.


Once again I remind people – it’s a well acted, well written, interesting, fun show. Why does it matter how many “POCs” there are?

And why is it that this @EscapeVelo retard is incapable of enjoying a well-done show if it doesn’t have white people in it?

I would submit that most of us white people couldn’t give less of a smelly, brown trout about what color most of the characters are, but leave it to some (people of color) to find the few dick weasels (where else – Twitter!) who are whining about reverse racism and crow about it like they’ve found that elusive Holy Grail of Shitbaggery they’ve desperately sought as proof that racism is pervasive, and they’ve somehow achieved victory over the pervasive evil, because the show is… uh… BLACK!



Netflix’s new Marvel Universe show, Luke Cage, is black. It’s blackity black black on a tray of black a$$ blackness. While this is incredibly awesome for most of us, there are some (white) people who are bothered by the show’s blackness. Sorry not sorry.

“Blackity black black on a tray of black a$$ blackness.” Really? How original.

I note no actual commentary on the quality of the show, the characters, the acting, or the writing. I suspect the writers of this particular load of spew are more interested in sticking it to whitey than they are about a quality show that just happens to feature black characters. I base my assessment on the title of this incredibly moronic piece: Let’s Laugh At The White People Who Are Mad At How Black ‘Luke Cage’ Is.

It’s idiots on both sides that perpetuate that us vs. them mentality. From the felching ass burps who can’t get over the fact that a show doesn’t feature a sufficient amount of white characters is doing well to the cackling mental midgets who crow about the color of the characters and don’t care about much else.

Gee. I watched it because I enjoy the characters and the story. I guess I’m just not virtue signally enough.

By the way – if you want to take a look at what the us vs. them mentality really looks like, go to Twitter and search #LukeCage racism. I saw a couple of ignorami claiming the show was somehow racist, but the majority of the Tweets were, in fact, coming from blacks noting how ridiculous the accusations of the show being “too black” are, as if these accusations were prevalent, but not actually quoting these alleged racist tweets, which makes me assess that perhaps the media has glommed on to a few shitbags  who do exist and has exploited them into a full-blown story arc of racism and hatred for people to react to.

I’m saddened by both sides. It seems we can’t make a step without focusing on our differences. We can’t appreciate a good piece of TV – which is so damn rare nowadays – without zooming in on superficial crap like the amount of melanin in the character’s skin. It can’t just be a quality piece of entertainment. It has to be an us vs. them scenario, even in something as inconsequential as a television show.

And if you want to see it in comment form, you can take a look here.

They are only upset because this show was trending for days on Twitter. And alot [sic.] of blacks were talking about it. I can care less [sic.] about their tears. They have plenty of shows, movies, damn near everything. So i can care less [sic.]. Let them whine and cry about it all day long.

For the record, I agree with this guy.

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