Category Archives: America

Things I’d rather be doing than watching the presidential debate tonight

No, I won’t be watching. No, I won’t be giving you a play-by-play. Frankly, it’s because I like my sanity – what little is left of it – and because tonight’s topic is national security, I’d also like to not be fighting the urge to put a fist through my TV for 90 minutes. As a matter of fact, there’s a ton of things I’d rather be doing than watching the debate, so here’s a partial list.

  • Root canal. I love root canals.
  • Playing with raw meat inside an alligator enclosure in Florida.
  • Drinking antifreeze (don’t worry I was a college student once – I’m sure I’ve ingested worse stuff).
  • Being ravaged by a herd of hungry yak.
  • Being torn apart by Walking Dead zombies.
  • Tumbling into a gorilla enclosure.
  • Listening to a fat acceptance lecture by Trigglypuff.
  • Electric shock therapy.
  • Prostate exam. Yes, I know I don’t have one. I don’t care.
  • Reading Damien Walter columns.
  • Giving Michael Moore a sponge bath.
  • Shaving my bikini line with a rusty weed wacker.
  • Sniffing Arthur Cho’s bicycle seat.
  • Having dinner with cannibalistic pygmies.
  • Bathing in my dog’s slobber.
  • Giving my cat a bath.
  • Memorizing the list of gender pronouns now recognized in New York.
  • Two words: Clorox douche.
  • Picking the lint from Mama June’s belly button.
  • Gargling Axe body spray.
  • Having my ovaries removed with a pair of salad tongs. By a blind veterinarian.
  • Discussing Kierkegaard with an ADHD toddler.
  • Expressing Tucker’s anal glands.
  • Expressing ANYONE’S anal glands.

    I'd look ready to kill myself too, if I was forced to wear that shit!

    I’d look ready to kill myself too, if I was forced to wear that shit!

  • Trying on Kanye’s new clothing line (yeah, the one that makes you look like you’re a concentration camp survivor).
  • Having a Twitter conversation with Anthony Weiner.
  • Smelling dog farts.
  • Smelling husband farts after a night of cheap beer.
  • Napping in a snake pit.
  • Working as Kim Kardashian’s gynecologist.
  • Reading the Torah at a KKK gathering.
  • Using a porta-john at a Nickelback concert.
  • Eating my own vomit.
  • Drinking a kale, ketchup, and urine smoothie (giving antifreeze a run for its money).
  • Picking gum off the bottom of a chair in my old high school and chewing it.
  • Listening to Roseanne Barr “sing” the national anthem.
  • Making out with Michael Jackson’s desiccated carcass.
  • Having a rabid ferret chew on my crotch.
  • Snorting hot sauce.
  • Three words: hot tar enema.

Get the message?


Things that make me want to nuke civilization from space

There are days.

There are days I literally want to shut down my computer and never come near the Internet again, and yet, I’m drawn to this collective psychosis we call “the world wide web,” like a moth to a flame… or one of those crackly lights that will kill the moth the moment it touches the bulb. Like a motorist who can’t help but rubberneck at a wreck on the side of the road, I had to open this. Immediately upon clicking on the link, I began to hit myself over the head with a metaphorical brick. WHY??

My recent article about ‘willy-cloning’ was greeted with such interest and hilarity on social media that the company responsible for the kits – Empire Labs, of Portland, Oregon – got in touch to ask if I fancied trying out a female version, the charmingly named ‘Clone a Pussy‘.

If that opening paragraph doesn’t make you die a little inside, this will.

The first thing to note is that Clone a Pussy does not create a model of the vagina itself – I can only imagine what sort of mess that would make with the moulding gel.

Instead, it creates a reasonably accurate copy of the vulva – the outside bits.

So while the male version can be put to, shall we say, practical use after construction, the female clone is for decorative purposes only.

audreyWho in the everblasting, rollerblading fuck would want to decorate their house with anything resembling a vagoo – inside or out? Sorry, but it’s not, in and of itself, an attractive body part. It’s pink. It’s hairy (unless you go the extra mile to de-fur). It’s oddly similar to Audrey 2 from “Little Shop of Horrors” sans teeth or blood lust.

“Oh, I know what this living room is missing! A set of labia vaguely slug-like in appearance! Perfect! Now let me just frame it and hang it riiiiiiight… over here.”

Yeahno, Cupcake! It ain’t pretty. It’s utilitarian. There’s certainly nothing embarrassing about it, but it ain’t art!

The second thing that made me want to hide under my desk today. Women paying for “expert vagina massages.”

They’re called gigolos, you daft bints. They’re getting you off for money. Calling it something different doesn’t change its nature.

Now, I’m all for the free market. Seriously. If a consenting adult wants to sell their… services for money to another consenting adult, more power to y’all! Have at it! But let’s not pretend it’s anything other than what it is. As I told She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named when I found out she was dancing at a strip club in West Virginia instead of working as a waitress, “You are an adult, and you can do with your body as you please, but if you’re going to be a whore, be an honest whore.”

Third thing that makes me throat punch a hippie, apparently women just can’t do science. Why? Because TEH FEELZ!

The syllabi for college-level STEM courses—science, technology, engineering, and mathematics—are “gendered” because they promote the idea that knowledge can be ascertained through reason. This is a masculine concept that hurts women’s feelings and makes it difficult for them to succeed.

That’s according to “Are STEM Syllabi Gendered? A Feminist Critical Discourse Analysis” of the STEM syllabi at one Midwestern university. The discourse was authored by the University of North Dakota’s Laura Parson, and published in The Qualitative Report earlier this year.

It presupposes that certain stylistic choices—command words like “will” and “must”—are inherently masculine and anti-woman, and then sets out to determine whether these words show up in STEM syllabi. Since a syllabus is not a negotiation, but rather, a set of instructions about how to succeed in a given class, they do indeed contain lots of commands.

Parson needs to stop embarrassing all women and take up a distinctly feminine feminist field that shall not force her pretty, dainty, weak self to conform to those pesky facts that chafe her tender labia. (If you notice a vagina theme here… Yeah, there is one.)

Try Kvetching 101, or the advanced “Taking Offense 300 – Strategies in Silencing the Opposition.”

Go with “Ruminations in Third-Wave Feminist Thought – The Best Three Minutes of Your Life,” or “Tears: Your Ultimate Weapon Against the CisWhitePatriarchy.”

But stay the fuck out of the sciences or anything else requiring logical thought. Please!

And then there’s this piece of spewed dreck onto a computer screen that makes the ages old claim that white people inherently racist and privileged.

If you’re like me, growing up, the word “Black” was always spoken of in whispers in your family. It was like we were saying something taboo. Why was that? Because it was taboo. We might feel more comfortable saying “African-American,” but not “Black.” The reason is that we were raised to believe that “colorblindness” was the ideal for whites. We were taught that we shouldn’t “see color.” And saying the word “Black” was an acknowledgment of the fact that we did “see color.”

Well, thank dog I’m nothing like you, hipster douche Omega male! I can and have said the word “black” throughout my childhood and my adulthood. I do recognize color – the fact that it exists and that some of us have more melanin in our skin than others. I just don’t give a fuck. There, I said it. Beyond recognizing that there are different hues to human beings, I just don’t care. My black friends (there, I said it, you emasculated coward) make me just as happy as my white friends. Know why? Because they’re wonderful human beings. So go fuck yourself. You don’t speak for me, and I would wager that aside from a few guilt-ridden about their own whiteness, braindead Snowflakes, you don’t speak for any other white people either. Moron.

Then there’s this bit from the Santa Clara County Office of Education

Did you know that mispronouncing a student’s name negates the identity of the student? This can lead to anxiety and resentment which, in turn, can hinder academic progress. Help us build positive school culture and promote respect to students and families.

Crying-Baby-PicturesWell, holy microaggressing fuck!

So the identity of the individual isn’t based on accomplishments, intelligence, intellectual curiosity, ability, or anything else related to those antediluvian norms. The identity of the individual is based entirely on what the kid’s parents might or might not have been smoking at the time when they decided to name their little precious North West or Chanda Leer.

As someone whose last name was consistently butchered by teachers in school, I understand the embarrassment when a teacher struggles to phonetically spell a foreign name, only to fail miserably. I get having to preemptively pronounce your name before the teacher stumbles like a drunken clown, making all the other kids giggle. But could we possibly get some damn perspective here, people?

Getting little Nevaeh’s or Reighleigh’s (no, really – that’s Riley) name wrong won’t traumatize her/him/it/whatever. It won’t destroy their identity, unless they’re being raised by weak-minded parents, who don’t teach them where their value comes from, which I suspect is the case for many of these poor kids, whose parents think naming them something “cool” and “different” will garner them respect without having to actually accomplish anything to earn it. Trying too hard to be original? Don’t. If your child has an ethnic name, be understanding. Recognize that not everyone is going to get it right from the first get-go, and that it’s not a slight against you, your ethnicity, or your child. In other words, stop being a special fucking snowflake!

Thank dog it’s Friday. I can avoid stupid on the weekends… I think.


Guest Thoughts: The National Anthem

A buddy of mine wrote this. Retired military. One of the best people I know – one I would follow into battle, and probably into hell and back. I wanted to publish this, because it appears the stupid is spreading from Kaepernick’s little public snit fit and his insistence on spitting in the faces of all Americans and all who have sacrificed for the American ideals to spoiled rotten NFL dick flickers who don’t even have enough respect for those who died on September 11, 2001 and those who have sacrificed to keep us safe since then, to put aside their petty little attention whoring.

A few thoughts on this whole stand or not during play of our national anthem. Honoring the flag does not imply that the republic for which it stands is perfect. Far from it, honoring the flag is our collective commitment that we will constantly attempt to get better as a nation, to improve as a people, and to use the freedoms that we have been given to make the earth a better place.

I spent over 30 years defending freedom of speech and freedom of expression. Nothing is more important to this democracy. Nothing! However, while no one should be compelled to stand, they should recognize that by sitting in protest to the flag, in my opinion, they are disrespecting everyone who sacrificed to make this country what it is today — as imperfect as it might be.

Those that believe the flag represents oppression should remember all the Americans who fought to eliminate bigotry, racism, sexism, imperialism, communism, and terrorism. The flag rode with the Buffalo Soldiers of the 9th, 10th, 24th and 25 Cavalry and Infantry Regiments. It was carried by the suffragists down the streets of New York City. It flew with the Tuskegee Airmen of WWII. It was planted in the fields where Cesar Chavez spoke. It marched with Martin Luther King Jr. It rocketed into space on the shoulder patches of women, gay, Hispanic, Asian and African American astronauts. Today, it waves high over the White House. It is a flag for everyone, of every color, of every race, of every creed, and every orientation, but the privilege of living under this flag does not come without cost. Nor should it come without respect.

The nation and everything it strives for is embodied in the American Flag. We strive to be more inclusive. We strive to be more understanding. We strive to fix the problems that plague our society. But in striving to do so, we must have a common bond; some symbol that reminds us of our past struggles and propels us to a brighter, more enlightened future. That symbol is the American flag.

protestTo be sure, as my friend said, we’re not perfect. We never claimed to be. But we’re the only nation that truly enshrines the ideals of justice, equality, and freedom for all in our laws and history, and actively strives to achieve them! So give this nation some credit. Help us fix what needs to be fixed.

And most of all, stop being assholes!

Who are the Enemies?

During election season, in particular, I think we many times forget who the true enemies are, which is only part of the reason why I have, for the most part, refused to blog election politics this year. This year, more than usual, the rancor has reached fevered pitch, and I want to remind us of something.

kbw-2e1uuqjOUR FELLOW AMERICANS ARE NOT THE FUCKING ENEMY! Hillary Clinton in one of the primary season debates claimed that Republicans were the enemy she was most proud of. Not kidding. She basically said she was proud of the fact that half the country was her enemy. Unbelievable! So much for being the President for all Americans. Basket of deplorables? Really? There are definitely Trump supporters – the class (or lack thereof) I call Trumpanzees – who are classless, bigoted fucks, but really, Hills? Half of those who support your admittedly odious opponent are deplorable?

I won’t go into the litany of turds being flung by the Trumpanzees in this campaign. They’re well documented. From telling a recently widowed young conservative commentator that her husband was better off dead than with her, because she dared to be less than positive about the Cheetorangutang and very flattering toward his daughter Ivanka, to threatening the wife of a political opponent, to calling a journalist all sorts of  foul names only I use on a regular basis, because I just don’t give a fuck, to threatening delegates with violence, the Trumpanzees have proven themselves to be a disgusting lot of inbread fucktards. These are your fellow Americans, you goons. Least you can do is act like it.

Then we have epic ignorami like Bryan Fischer. One has to wonder how this psychotic, theocratic religitard even walks and chews gum at the same time, after he wrote this incoherent screed, claiming that Colin Kaepernick is breaking the law by not standing for the national anthem, because… get this… he’s US Code says he “should.”

According to 36 U.S. Code Section 301, the expressed declaration of Congress is clear and straightforward. After directions to members of the military – “individuals in uniform should give the military salute at the first note of the anthem and maintain that position until the last note” – explicit directions are given to every other American:

“(A)ll other persons present should face the flag and stand at attention with their right hand over the heart, and men not in uniform, if applicable, should remove their headdress with their right hand and hold it at the left shoulder, the hand being over the heart.”

DERP! PROSECUTE HIM RIGHT NOW! Never mind he’s an American exercising his right.

To be sure, if you look at Webster’s Dictionary, there’s nothing in there that denotes a legal obligation in the word. But Fischer is a fucking moron, who uses patriotism and religion to advocate for the destruction of his fellow Americans and their civil rights via government force. He’s the same guy who tried to claim that homosexuality was responsible for Nazism (tell that to the millions of homosexuals who perished in the Holocaust!), who claimed we somehow “feminized” the Medal of Honor, who thinks Uganda’s death penalty for gays and Russia’s censorship of what they claim is “homosexual propaganda” is just peachy keen, and who wants gays and others who commit biblical infractions put to death. Charming fellow.

Yes, Bryan Fischer and other theocrat morons actually believe gays are their enemy and need to be put down or arrested. I don’t even…

Meanwhile, the leftist hate piled onto Sarah Palin and her family is palpable. While I’m not a Palin fan by any stretch, statutory rape jokes about her kid and stalking are beyond the pale. These are your fellow Americans, people! Disagree with her all you want. Despise her views all you want. But targeting? Stalking? Attacking her children? What the fuck is wrong with you people?

What about the puppy kickers and the SJW Howler Monkeys, whose entire goal is literally to destroy those whom they perceive to be their enemy, meaning anyone who disagrees with them? Their reputations, their careers… all go BOOM! because the SJWs cannot abide by dissent. These are your fellow Americans, you shit goblins!

I could go on, but you get my meaning.

Yes, there are toxic jerks out there, but they’re not defined by views that differ from yours. They’re defined by how they act, and guess what! If you try and define them by their views, you’re no better than they are.

Those with opposing views are not your enemies. Just because their politics differ from yours, doesn’t mean they need to be silenced or their jobs and reputations destroyed. THEY ARE NOT YOUR ENEMY. If you consider your fellow countrymen the enemy because their political views differ from yours, you just might be an asshole.

And there seem to be more assholes than you can swing a dead cat at lately!

It’s like we’ve forgotten how to interact with other human beings. The Internet has given us a perceived cloak of invisibility. We don’t seem to think what we say to other people on the net matters, because they’re somehow not real – not flesh and blood. It’s the equivalent of picking your nose and eating the booger when you’re in a car. YOU’RE NOT INVISIBLE, ASSHOLE! And yes, that person you just denigrated from the comfort of your keyboard is actually a real human being! They’re not just words on a screen. They’re written by a real person, whom 9 times out of 10, you would probably be too scared to face (yes, I’m talking to you, oozing Trumpanzee colostomy bag who emails threats to those who don’t like your orange-tinted deity!).

Maybe it’s time to step away from the Internet and try talking to people. Yeah, I mean actual talking. Meeting in person. Sitting down face to face, and having a conversation. You may not agree. You may walk away thinking Hillary/Trump/Whoever is an even more despicable candidate than you previously thought. But at least you’ll walk away with a sense that your interlocutor is a real person, and if you have any decency at all, you’ll be much less willing to threaten them or treat them like a sub-human ball of shit. Maybe you’ll think twice about wishing death on them, or making rape jokes about their kids.

Maybe you’ll even see them as a human being with value.

Open Letter to Colin Kaepernick

Dear Colin –

I just got back from my son’s graduation from Army Basic Training. We are a family of Soldiers and veterans, and we have taken an oath to defend the Constitution of the United States. We have sworn to defend your rights and liberties. We have promised to protect every man’s sacred rights, without regard for anything superficial such as color, race, religion, or gender.

We uphold and live by that oath every single day.

There are a lot of people who are shrieking and screeching about your recent refusal to stand up for the National Anthem. I shall not do so.

It is your right as an American to be as abhorrent and offensive as you want. It is your right to display as much disrespect for this nation as you see fit. It is your right to protest whatever injustices you want.

That’s what our Constitution is about. It’s about protecting your right to be as much of an opprobrious asshole as you want and not face government prosecution. You will not go to jail for your actions. You will not be fined. You will not be punished in any way by the government for your display of contempt for this country.

That said, that doesn’t mean you aren’t going to be immune from the consequences. Consequences come in many forms – from fan criticism, to loss of sponsors, to censure from other NFL members – because the majority of people, fans, players, and coaches recognize just how lucky they are to be here, to play this game, to earn millions dollars doing what they love, to have the opportunities they have, their rights protected and their ability to speak out safe from government persecution.

Try that in many other countries, and you’ll find yourself in a cell.

Here, the worst that will happen to you is consternation from your fellow Americans. I guess you don’t care about that. Why should you? You’re making millions in a country that protects your rights – not always perfectly, not always neatly, but better than most. You’re playing a game you love, and you’re earning big money for doing so. You’re free to achieve your dreams.

And guess what! Thousands of courageous men and women died to protect this country whose flag on which you so freely defecate. I guess you don’t care about them either.

It’s sad that in your zeal to shed light on perceived injustices in this nation, you slap in the face every single person who has sacrificed for the very justice you claim to desire.

It’s a shame that in your blind hatred for the flag and the nation that has given so many people the opportunities most in this world could only dream about, you spit on every courageous individual who has volunteered to protect this land. You spit on me. You spit on my children. You spit on people I love.

So while you are free to show disrespect for my adopted country – the country that has given me and millions of others, including you, the opportunities you couldn’t possibly understand or appreciate, being the spoiled rotten brat you are – the rest of us are free to let you know just what a despicable, ungrateful disgrace you are.

Colin-Kaepernick-backwards-hat-300x300We are free not to watch your games.

We are free not to purchase any product for which you are a spokesman.

We are certainly free not to buy tickets to your games.

The NFL respects your right to protest, as they well should. Standing up for the national anthem is certainly not a requirement, nor is it a law. Neither is respecting your fellow Americans who sacrificed for the rights and freedoms you so freely flaunt and the oppression you disingenuously claim while making millions of dollars as a person of color in this awful country.

But that doesn’t mean we have to like you, respect you, watch your games, buy tickets, or purchase any product you happen to endorse.

It also doesn’t mean that I can’t hope you one day grow up, drop the drama, and develop some respect for the country which has protected your right to be an asshole, even if she’s not perfect, and even if bad things sometimes happen.

This country’s flaws – whatever they may be – will not be remedied by a sniveling, spoiled, tattooed prima donna, who thinks his cheap tantrum on the football field will cure America’s ills.

Here’s hoping you grow up, even though I doubt you will, and here’s hoping that the acrimony you have sowed will impact your wallet.

Maybe then you’ll learn.

Hugs and kisses,

Americans who aren’t assholes.

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