Advertisements

Trash Panda Loves Boobs

I’m not talking politics today. It’s too contentious, and I’m not in the mood to fight the stupid today. Frankly, until I read this story, I was in the mood to kill rather than bother with a fair fight, but you know what? You can’t be angry when there’s a lawsuit going on over a raccoon who apparently starred in some porn. It’s a filthy, dark tale of a trash panda gone bad that’s making me giggle like a school kid who saw the word “penis” written down for the first time.

A Russian petting zoo loaned this fat little guy to a production company ostensibly to be used in an advertising video. Things apparently got a bit hinky from there. The zoo claims Thomas the Trash Panda came back from the shoot traumatized and strangely attracted to women’s breasts.

The production company says Thomas wasn’t trained as the zoo claimed, would run off all the time instead of acting like a professional performer, and stole a model’s bra.

As you can imagine, a lawsuit hilarity ensued.

According to the zoo, the deal in August 2016 was for Thomas to be used in a regular advertisement.

But the zoo says that when it saw the footage on social media, featuring a naked model, it complained and asked for all video and photos to be withdrawn.

After the request failed, the zoo filed a lawsuit in October, also demanding compensation for damages caused to the raccoon.

Art-Msk’s Valery Bogatov argued that the video was not erotic because it was destined to be broadcast on federal television. An erotic film would have been illegal, he said.

Anyone who finds a naked woman petting a raccoon erotic needs mental help in my opinion, but what the hell do I know?

Meanwhile Thomas the Trash Panda was sad, because the zoo claims he was programmed to associate boobs with treats, which is pretty much normal for any straight, human male, and demonstrators gathered in Moscow to protest the exploitation of raccoons. It apparently took them some time to deprogram Thomas from his boob fixation, and Thomas didn’t like that. Because boobs.

I’m wondering where the Social Justice Howler Monkey protests are at this mistreatment of an innocent animal. They are messing with this little guy’s mind by training him to not like boobs! Isn’t it something akin to the anti-gay conversion therapy they’re all concerned about Mike Pence imposing on young, gay individuals using our tax dollars?

You can’t make this shit up.

Worse yet, the production company head Valery Bogatov is threatening to counter-sue the zoo and demand payback for the model’s bra that Thomas stole when he went on his criminal boob crusade!

The only thing funnier than this story is the sign one of the protesters held, featuring a cross-eyed raccoon wearing eyeglasses that read “DOWN WITH THE EXPLOITATION OF RACCOONS IN VIDEO!”

I’m wondering why it is that with western sanctions, low oil prices, high prices for everything from food to housing, censorship, and authoritarianism, these people are focusing on protesting the “mistreatment” of a trash panda, who was apparently enticed with treats to like boobs.

I must be a bad person, because I’m laughing like a lunatic.

 

Advertisements

21 responses

  1. Seriously, I think we all need a break from the ordinary news insanity, and take a walk on the seriously weird side.
    This will do, I think.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well, it may be a raccoon now, but a monkey, a dog, a cat, even a tree, or any other living being later. That’s the spirit of the protest!

    Like

    1. Dude, the fact that the sign is specific to raccoons makes it funny. Also, because “raccoon” in Russian is just a funny word. Really funny.

      Lighten up. Seriously.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. On amusing words in Russian… hedgehog. (Or maybe that’s just me.)

        Like

        1. Ezh? Not really. At least not to me.

          Liked by 1 person

      2. You laugh, anyone can laugh at the cross-eyed raccoon, but I was concerned, when you said “I’m wondering why it is that with western sanctions, low oil prices, high prices for everything from food to housing, censorship, and authoritarianism, these people are focusing on protesting the “mistreatment” of a trash panda, who was apparently enticed with treats to like boobs.” Although all that is true, the one fact is the protesters’ rally is preemptive in essence, as it remind us that we must respect and protect all living beings and nature as a whole. And that no one can laugh at! The ban on unrestrained whale hunting and circus animals, for instance, results from the work of those individuals.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. OK a) he didn’t seem to be abused. They apparently gave him treats to entice him to the naked model. Not a big deal. And b) you apparently have never lived in Russia. There are huge issues there, including hungry people. To protest because someone may or may not have made a video of a fat little raccoon that may or may not have been erotic seems a bit… superfluous given the number of problems they have. And finally, lighten up, Francis! GEEZE! This was supposed to be lighthearted and fun, but I guess some people will try to ruin everything with politics.

          Ugh. Just stop.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Snerk… dammit it HURTS when you snort Dr. Pepper out your nose… Now where did I put that spare keyboard????

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sorry! (Not sorry.)

      Liked by 1 person

  4. The screaming howler monkeys demand equal treatment.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. They should have hired Koko the gorilla. She already likes boobs. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m guessin’ that it didn’t take a lot of extra treats to get to the obviously cis-male critter to like boobs.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Or maybe trash pandas just like boobs.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Don’t all males, regardless of species like boobs?

        Like

        1. Well, all the straight ones do.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Several of the gay men I know find them interesting, oddly enough.

          Liked by 1 person

  7. RetMSgt in Pa. | Reply

    Gotta love raccoons. Not native to Europe, Herman Goering imported some because he thought they were cute. The bombing during the war freed them from their cages. With no natural predators to keep them in check, they bred, multiplied, and kept expanding their territory. “Nazi” raccoons are the scourge of Europe, wreaking havoc and scattered garbage can contents wherever they go, and there’s no way to stop their spread.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nature at it’s finest. That’s how evolution is supposed to work.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. More American imperialism at work…….. /SJW

      Like

  8. Nicki, I have to disagree with your statement “programmed to associate boobs with treats, which is pretty much normal for any straight, human male”. No, we are not programmed to associate boobs with treats. Boobs ARE treats.

    I’ll just put myself in timeout now…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I knew someone would come up with that line! 😉

      Like

We Want To Hear What You Have To Say

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: