This is a totally non-political post. It’s my exploration of our dynamics with our significant partners, because this is something Rob and I discuss on occasion, and we’ve never agreed on. So now, you’ve been warned. If you are here to discuss politics today, you might want to veer somewhere else.
However, this discussion is more sociological, and it could very quickly veer into politics. Because everything does.
Rob has always contended that I’m a rarity in the sea of females: apparently I’m not crazy. I dispute this, as I have my own sort of crazy qualities, but that said, the general perception among men about women seems to be:
Women, according to my husband, and many other men I know, want a bad boy – someone whom they can tame, and brag about domesticating, so to speak, which gives them validation and an ego boost. “Hey, look what I got! He’s totally devoted to me, but was such a dog when I met him! Now, he worships me!” Big ego boost! But then, they’re surprised and upset when the dog pisses on their leg.
Then there’s those who like to pretend they’re independent, and select a mate accordingly, all the while latching onto the man like a stoned barnacle, because deep inside they know and understand they’re not independent, but need a man for validation or a simple ego boost.
There are those who are so desperate to sink their hooks in a man, they become what they believe he wants… UNTIL their true colors come shining through, and the crazy grenade goes off. “Oooh, yeah, baby! I love the open relationship idea! Yeah, let’s do it. Yeah, I love beer and wings night. No, baby, I don’t mind at all when you go out with your buddies. I have a life of my own; you do your thing.” And then, months/years later, “You’re going out with your friends AGAIN? I don’t like beer and wings! I want sushi! You spend more time with your side piece than you do with me! I want monogamy! I’ve always wanted monogamy! You just didn’t see it fit to ask me about it.”
And then, there are the real prizes – the ones who know they’re hot, but are so insecure, they need to regularly cheat – or at the very least flirt extensively or conduct sketchy cyber activities – to prove their attractiveness to themselves and to tear down their man and others who love him – friends, family members, even his children. These are the real abusers – women who can turn on the charm and be the loving dream girl one moment, and then turn into a noxious banshee the next.
Look, I’ve met them all, and I don’t deny there are quite a few of them. Women are taught from a young age about their “wiles,” and about using them primarily to snag a guy, marry well, hook a provider.
Are they a majority? I doubt it. While I’ve met many that fit one or more of the descriptions above, I also met an equal number who are just as “not crazy,” independent, intelligent, and tough as I am.
I keep telling Rob that I’ve met more men than women, who fall into the crazy bucket.
- Needy / whiny / clingy
- Uncomfortable with who they are
I’m not sure there’s anything more pathetic on this earth than a clingy, sniveling guy, who is so conflict averse, that he refuses to stand up for himself, and who is so intent on having a significant other, he is willing to sacrifice his self esteem, his relationships with his friends and family, and his values for some twat, because she happens to be attractive or turns it on hot to get him to forgive every transgression.
Except maybe one who is so incapable of being alone, he immediately starts searching for the next Mrs. Ex the day the current squeeze is out of the picture, and is so desperate to find her, that any woman with whom he has a mildly-interesting or successful first date becomes “The One.” He assumes her personality, he acquiesces to every stupid demand, he clings and sends cheesy messages whenever they’re apart, buys expensive gifts, even when he can’t afford them.
And there are the pathetic tools whose only means of validation is the attention of as many women as possible, which means he needs to stick his dick into as many women as possible as proof of his attractiveness, and to make them fall in love with him, using every ruse possible, including professing his love, telling them how he’s never felt this strongly about anyone before, and making them feel special and unique. That’s a special kind of toxic. It continues shoving its dick into every available hole, while professing his love for multiple partners in hopes of keeping them devoted to him. EGO!
Either way, in my experience, there is just as much crazy on the male side as there is on the female, and these challenges are all related to honesty.
People aren’t being honest with each other about their wants, needs, and desires. They aren’t being honest with themselves about the type of person they are or the type of person they want as a partner. They are not being honest about their faults, vices, and shortcomings, preferring to simply mask them in order to attract and keep a partner, until it’s too late. And they’re certainly not being honest when they continue laying everything with a heartbeat on the side.
No one wants to admit they are insecure. It’s certainly hard to acknowledge your faults and deal with them. It’s easier to hide them and lie for years until the crazy grenade explodes.
Frankly, I don’t think there’s a whole lot of difference between men and women on these issues. All stem from insecurity and lack of independence. All stem from an inability to engage in serious introspection and honesty about who they are.
Rob and I aren’t perfect, certainly. We’ve had our issues over the years. But the one thing we’re able to do is be honest with each other – brutally honest sometimes. Some things need to be said.
I know I’m independent and secure enough to not worry if he goes out with a female friend without me. I understand he needs his own friends and hobbies, and frankly, I’m not all that social, so there’s no reason for me to tag along most times. If I feel like we need some together time, I simply tell him – no drama, no blame laid – just tell him. If I feel he’s not doing something he should be, he’ll get a kick in the ass, and vice versa.
I’m smart, fairly attractive, although I do struggle with weight, I have a great job, I love what I do, and I’m a fairly talented person – yeah, I can sing and write too. I certainly don’t need validation from a guy – or anyone really – to know and understand my value. And I certainly don’t get validation by spreading my legs.
You don’t like me? That’s fine. Go away.
I think some people would say that makes me a sociopath.
I think the biggest fail in relationships is that lack of honesty. It’s fundamental. Everything else stems from this. Even in cases where insecurity forces one or both partners to be punching bags for the other, it’s a fundamental honesty fail – a failure to understand oneself, to be candid about your shortcomings, and lying to yourself about your partner’s faults.
After all, who wants to admit to oneself that the person they love is a manipulative, nasty, evil dick?
And working to fix your own faults is hard, especially if you refuse to admit you have them or to acknowledge you are wrong.
I’ve seen too many friends, both male and female, refuse to take that long, hard look at themselves because they’re either afraid to realize their own faults, afraid to acknowledge the partner they chose may not be the right one, or afraid to be alone, so they spend their lives miserable and, in some cases, abused, making those around them – especially innocent kids – miserable too.
I’m just grateful I’m old enough and secure enough to be honest with them and with myself when needed. And I’m grateful that despite the flaws, Rob and I get one another, because that’s hard to find.
Honestly, I have no idea why I’m writing this now. It’s something that’s been sitting in my brain, so I figure I’ll throw it down before it goes away. This is an online journal, right?