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Relationships

This is a totally non-political post. It’s my exploration of our dynamics with our significant partners, because this is something Rob and I discuss on occasion, and we’ve never agreed on. So now, you’ve been warned. If you are here to discuss politics today, you might want to veer somewhere else.

However, this discussion is more sociological, and it could very quickly veer into politics. Because everything does.

Rob has always contended that I’m a rarity in the sea of females: apparently I’m not crazy. I dispute this, as I have my own sort of crazy qualities, but that said, the general perception among men about women seems to be:

  1. Insecure
  2. Needy
  3. Contradictory

Women, according to my husband, and many other men I know, want a bad boy – someone whom they can tame, and brag about domesticating, so to speak, which gives them validation and an ego boost. “Hey, look what I got! He’s totally devoted to me, but was such a dog when I met him! Now, he worships me!” Big ego boost! But then, they’re surprised and upset when the dog pisses on their leg.

Then there’s those who like to pretend they’re independent, and select a mate accordingly, all the while latching onto the man like a stoned barnacle, because deep inside they know and understand they’re not independent, but need a man for validation or a simple ego boost.

There are those who are so desperate to sink their hooks in a man, they become what they believe he wants… UNTIL their true colors come shining through, and the crazy grenade goes off. “Oooh, yeah, baby! I love the open relationship idea! Yeah, let’s do it. Yeah, I love beer and wings night. No, baby, I don’t mind at all when you go out with your buddies. I have a life of my own; you do your thing.” And then, months/years later, “You’re going out with your friends AGAIN? I don’t like beer and wings! I want sushi! You spend more time with your side piece than you do with me! I want monogamy! I’ve always wanted monogamy! You just didn’t see it fit to ask me about it.”

And then, there are the real prizes – the ones who know they’re hot, but are so insecure, they need to regularly cheat – or at the very least flirt extensively or conduct sketchy cyber activities – to prove their attractiveness to themselves and to tear down their man and others who love him – friends, family members, even his children. These are the real abusers – women who can turn on the charm and be the loving dream girl one moment, and then turn into a noxious banshee the next.

Look, I’ve met them all, and I don’t deny there are quite a few of them. Women are taught from a young age about their “wiles,” and about using them primarily to snag a guy, marry well, hook a provider.

Are they a majority? I doubt it. While I’ve met many that fit one or more of the descriptions above, I also met an equal number who are just as “not crazy,” independent, intelligent, and tough as I am.

I keep telling Rob that I’ve met more men than women, who fall into the crazy bucket.

  1. Insecure
  2. Needy / whiny / clingy
  3. Uncomfortable with who they are

I’m not sure there’s anything more pathetic on this earth than a clingy, sniveling guy, who is so conflict averse, that he refuses to stand up for himself, and who is so intent on having a significant other, he is willing to sacrifice his self esteem, his relationships with his friends and family, and his values for some twat, because she happens to be attractive or turns it on hot to get him to forgive every transgression.

Except maybe one who is so incapable of being alone, he immediately starts searching for the next Mrs. Ex the day the current squeeze is out of the picture, and is so desperate to find her, that any woman with whom he has a mildly-interesting or successful first date becomes “The One.” He assumes her personality, he acquiesces to every stupid demand, he clings and sends cheesy messages whenever they’re apart, buys expensive gifts, even when he can’t afford them.

And there are the pathetic tools whose only means of validation is the attention of as many women as possible, which means he needs to stick his dick into as many women as possible as proof of his attractiveness, and to make them fall in love with him, using every ruse possible, including professing his love, telling them how he’s never felt this strongly about anyone before, and making them feel special and unique. That’s a special kind of toxic. It continues shoving its dick into every available hole, while professing his love for multiple partners in hopes of keeping them devoted to him. EGO!

Either way, in my experience, there is just as much crazy on the male side as there is on the female, and these challenges are all related to honesty.

People aren’t being honest with each other about their wants, needs, and desires. They aren’t being honest with themselves about the type of person they are or the type of person they want as a partner. They are not being honest about their faults, vices, and shortcomings, preferring to simply mask them in order to attract and keep a partner, until it’s too late. And they’re certainly not being honest when they continue laying everything with a heartbeat on the side.

No one wants to admit they are insecure. It’s certainly hard to acknowledge your faults and deal with them. It’s easier to hide them and lie for years until the crazy grenade explodes.

Frankly, I don’t think there’s a whole lot of difference between men and women on these issues. All stem from insecurity and lack of independence. All stem from an inability to engage in serious introspection and honesty about who they are.

Rob and I aren’t perfect, certainly. We’ve had our issues over the years. But the one thing we’re able to do is be honest with each other – brutally honest sometimes. Some things need to be said.

I know I’m independent and secure enough to not worry if he goes out with a female friend without me. I understand he needs his own friends and hobbies, and frankly, I’m not all that social, so there’s no reason for me to tag along most times. If I feel like we need some together time, I simply tell him – no drama, no blame laid – just tell him. If I feel he’s not doing something he should be, he’ll get a kick in the ass, and vice versa.

I’m smart, fairly attractive, although I do struggle with weight, I have a great job, I love what I do, and I’m a fairly talented person – yeah, I can sing and write too. I certainly don’t need validation from a guy – or anyone really – to know and understand my value. And I certainly don’t get validation by spreading my legs.

You don’t like me? That’s fine. Go away.

I think some people would say that makes me a sociopath.

I think the biggest fail in relationships is that lack of honesty. It’s fundamental. Everything else stems from this. Even in cases where insecurity forces one or both partners to be punching bags for the other, it’s a fundamental honesty fail – a failure to understand oneself, to be candid about your shortcomings, and lying to yourself about your partner’s faults.

After all, who wants to admit to oneself that the person they love is a manipulative, nasty, evil dick?

And working to fix your own faults is hard, especially if you refuse to admit you have them or to acknowledge you are wrong.

I’ve seen too many friends, both male and female, refuse to take that long, hard look at themselves because they’re either afraid to realize their own faults, afraid to acknowledge the partner they chose may not be the right one, or afraid to be alone, so they spend their lives miserable and, in some cases, abused, making those around them – especially innocent kids – miserable too.

I’m just grateful I’m old enough and secure enough to be honest with them and with myself when needed. And I’m grateful that despite the flaws, Rob and I get one another, because that’s hard to find.

Honestly, I have no idea why I’m writing this now. It’s something that’s been sitting in my brain, so I figure I’ll throw it down before it goes away. This is an online journal, right?

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16 responses

  1. When my serious adult significant-other relationship crashed and burned in most spectacular fashion, and I was left as a single parent with an infant daughter – I held off from any attempts in the arena of involvement for years, because I simply could not risk the potential damage to myself, or to the security of my daughter. I simply didn’t have the energy to keep up my career, maintain my family (such as it was) AND go out on the hunt for another guy… (I did keep company for about ten years with a very much older, gentlemanly sort, who was a widower, though. Alas — very much older than I.)
    However, I did realize early on that any guy who spoke disparagingly of his ex-wife or girl-friend on slight acquaintance was someone I had better run from, not walk. Another realization – that what you are when you are thirty-five or fortyish – that’s what you are. Nothing much will change about you from there on out.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I used to joke and say, why do men waste so much time picking out the perfect woman for a wife, because after they were married, she would turn out to be a totally different person anyway? Seriously, my wife and I will have been married 25 years this fall, and it takes time to get to the point where you are a team, where you really are on the same path and totally in sync with each other. Sometimes the brutal honesty required is not with your partner, but with yourself, and that is more difficult than if it were coming from someone else. I don’t know if there are more women or men who are insecure with themselves and need to be married, and not alone. But I know that there are many of both genders who fit the mold. I was that way when I was young, myself, but now I am much more well rounded and self secure in my own skin.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s true. I would submit lying to yourself is more common and harmful than lying to your SO.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. “I’m not sure there’s anything more pathetic on this earth than a clingy, sniveling guy, who is so conflict averse, that he refuses to stand up for himself, and who is so intent on having a significant other, he is willing to sacrifice his self esteem, his relationships with his friends and family, and his values for some twat, because she happens to be attractive or turns it on hot to get him to forgive every transgression.”

        I wonder if this is what happened to my Dad. He used to be an involved father, be active in my life and my kids’ life. He got involved with a woman and, somewhere along the way, became all about pleasing her and zero about family; his family of origin wasn’t important, his kids were expendable, etc. I had noticed for several years his overdependence on the woman, the extreme desire to please her, and the constant virtue signaling he threw her way. It’s a sad way to end a life, really.

        Like

  3. I’m glad I met Annie when I did, and that she is the kind of lady that she is. A fire-breather for sure, but not unreasonably so. Insecurity does not exist in the same zip code with her. Which has on occasions caused a few bumps, just because Fortress of Solitude is not necessarily a healthy trait for either spouse to manifest 24/7. Unless one of them is deployed, in which case Fortress of Solitude is a blessing. Because the servicemember can focus on work (and the fight) overseas, without worrying about everything falling apart on the homefront.

    The older I get, the more convinced I am that every single couple figures out their own system. To include their own little shorthand of jokes, quips, quotes, favorite music, remembered moments, etc. Stuff that ultimately becomes a very real cement. A wholly unique language forged by that specific relationship, and shared with no other.

    Which is probably why I’ve concluded that if Annie ever dies, or walks away, I will probably go be a crazy hermit in the mountains. After a quarter century with her, I am not sure I’d know how to be with anyone else. Annie is one of a kind, in my book. A decidedly different, and irreplaceable, woman. God bless her.

    Like

    1. That was so beautiful! And you guys are a gorgeous couple!

      I would submit, my Powder Blue Care Bear with a Bleeding Heart and a Flamethrower, that you wouldn’t WANT to find someone like Annie. You can fall in love with someone completely different and still be honestly and totally in love. I wouldn’t think searching for someone exactly like her would be healthy anyway. You wouldn’t want a replacement. You would want someone unique.

      Amirite?

      A crazy hermit with a house full of animals is a possibility too, though.

      Like

  4. First wife went from “Guns are cool, you want a motorcycle, cool” before the wedding to “No more guns, no bike” after.
    Second wife dear johned me in Iraq with “I love you, but I’m not in love with you, and men are no longer on the menu”
    Third wife says no divorce, but she’ll smother me in my sleep.

    That’s the keeper.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “Third wife says no divorce, but she’ll smother me in my sleep.” I think my mother said something like that to my dad, when they were getting married. Been married 24 years.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Blond_Engineer | Reply

    My favorite morning DJ once said, ‘Everyone has their own bag of crazy. And the secret to happiness is finding someone who’s bag of crazy fits in yours.’

    This is great advice, as long as you know and understand your own crazy. Like you said, Nicki, stop lying to yourself about your own strengths and weaknesses, then take a look at where your SO fits into things.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I think you’re right Nicki. Both men and women have their issues.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m married to a “Political Left Brain”……
    We only argue about one thing.
    I laugh mockingly at your relationship concerns, you people of a unified political homes.(derp)
    And you know what?
    I wouldn’t trade her for the world.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. 1) Why haven’t we talked about this stuff during our drinking sessions?

    2) You could both be correct. Men are crazier – they are more likely to be at extremes of various bell curves in general. But men see women as crazier because women are crazy(/crazier) when dealing with men; what men mean is that women are crazier in (sexual/romantic) relationships. Though – what they leave out and may not notice – saner in life in general.

    3) My homo perspective: you can only be driven crazy by the ones you love. I.e.,straight guys sometimes tell me “you’re lucky – you don’t have to deal with women.” While it is true homosexuality is fool proof birth control, so you are no going to be saddled with co-parenting with someone you don’t want to be around, I always tell straight guys if they want to learn to hate guys and think guys are crazy all they need to do is date (i.e. not just have sex, but become emotionally involved) with one.

    4) That said, I’m very single. If any cute, witty, single gay male readers of the LibertyZone want to go out out for drinks, please contact me. If it’s just drinks I’ll even settle for one of the three.

    Like

    1. 1) Sounds like it’s time we did

      2) It’s true. Rob’s never been involved with a guy, so he can’t really speak to it. He’s had different experiences with female crazy than I have had with male crazy.

      3) Problem is we fall in love without using our heads and without rationally examining the situation and being honest with ourselves about the object of our love.

      4) Gay guys! Bruce is cute and smart and funny! Take him up on it!

      Like

  9. “I think the biggest fail in relationships is that lack of honesty. It’s fundamental.”

    Definitely the most important part of a relationship.
    My wife and I met as older than average college students. We finished college together, worked our small farm together, started a business together. Raised 2 daughters and have 2 amazing grandchildren.
    We spent most of our time in each other’s company for 34 years,over half of our lives, until she passed away 2 years, 2 months, and 5 days ago.

    Honesty was paramount. We had no secrets. We discussed everything, be it important, inconsequential or downright silly. (oh how the puns flew sometimes!)
    We debated things, but never actually had an argument in all those years; mostly, I believe, because we knew each other so well.

    Because honesty truly IS fundamental.

    If there is such a thing as a soulmate, then she was mine.

    Like

  10. > lack of honesty.

    I have found through experience, that while a great many people *say* they want honesty, they’re often very unhappy to receive it.

    Sucks to be them, I’m too lazy to keep up with a web of lies…

    Liked by 1 person

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