Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.
It’s the holiday season. You’re at the mall (I know – it’s an antiquated concept), desperately hoping you’ll find something appropriate to give your aunt Millie for Christmas. You’ve been following people walking to their cars for hours like a vulture, hoping to snag a parking spot that is closer than a 3-mile walk to the store, you’re patiently waiting for someone to leave, so you can grab that elusive parking space, and you’ve got your turn signal on to indicate your intent to occupy that coveted space.
And then… some asshole, disregarding all parking lot etiquette and common decency, flies in and takes that space you’ve been waiting for, sitting in your car with the signal on, hoping the woman behind the wheel will finish putting on her makeup quickly before backing out of the space and allowing you to park!
You angrily confront him over the space, and then… he whips out his penis.
A 34-year-old man from Florida was arrested in Pentagon City on Friday, accused of flashing another man during a parking dispute.
The incident happened shortly before 1 p.m. Friday on the 1200 block of S. Hayes Street, near the Pentagon City mall.
“Following a verbal dispute between two parties over parking, a male subject allegedly exposed his genitals to a male victim,” according to an Arlington County Police Department crime report.
Now, I honestly don’t know if this is how things actually went down. I’m using my imagination, because it is the holiday season, and parking space disputes near malls are more common than not. I know the area well, and I know how difficult it is to get parking there, even in the paid garage, so I suppose it’s entirely possible that Florida Man decided that the best way to resolve a parking dispute was to expose his junk in chilly winter weather.
I’m not sure if Florida man thought the size of his shriveled junk (we know what happens in the cold – SHRINKAGE!) was supposed to frighten his Arlingtonian adversary. Gee, I know the sight of cold Vienna sausage with congealed goo on it always terrified me enough to give up my fight for Christmas shopping parking! (Actually, the one time I was involved in a “debate” over a parking space in Arlington, I confronted the entitled douchebag with a Middle Eastern accent driving a black luxury car with diplomatic plates, and forced him to get the hell out of my space – without whipping out my genitalia in any way – using simply my gift of persuasion. Read: I scared the shit out of him.)
All I know is police were called, and Florida man was arrested.
Shockingly, alcohol was involved.