Things I’d rather be doing than watching the presidential debate tonight

No, I won’t be watching. No, I won’t be giving you a play-by-play. Frankly, it’s because I like my sanity – what little is left of it – and because tonight’s topic is national security, I’d also like to not be fighting the urge to put a fist through my TV for 90 minutes. As a matter of fact, there’s a ton of things I’d rather be doing than watching the debate, so here’s a partial list.

  • Root canal. I love root canals.
  • Playing with raw meat inside an alligator enclosure in Florida.
  • Drinking antifreeze (don’t worry I was a college student once – I’m sure I’ve ingested worse stuff).
  • Being ravaged by a herd of hungry yak.
  • Being torn apart by Walking Dead zombies.
  • Tumbling into a gorilla enclosure.
  • Listening to a fat acceptance lecture by Trigglypuff.
  • Electric shock therapy.
  • Prostate exam. Yes, I know I don’t have one. I don’t care.
  • Reading Damien Walter columns.
  • Giving Michael Moore a sponge bath.
  • Shaving my bikini line with a rusty weed wacker.
  • Sniffing Arthur Cho’s bicycle seat.
  • Having dinner with cannibalistic pygmies.
  • Bathing in my dog’s slobber.
  • Giving my cat a bath.
  • Memorizing the list of gender pronouns now recognized in New York.
  • Two words: Clorox douche.
  • Picking the lint from Mama June’s belly button.
  • Gargling Axe body spray.
  • Having my ovaries removed with a pair of salad tongs. By a blind veterinarian.
  • Discussing Kierkegaard with an ADHD toddler.
  • Expressing Tucker’s anal glands.
  • Expressing ANYONE’S anal glands.

    I'd look ready to kill myself too, if I was forced to wear that shit!

    I’d look ready to kill myself too, if I was forced to wear that shit!

  • Trying on Kanye’s new clothing line (yeah, the one that makes you look like you’re a concentration camp survivor).
  • Having a Twitter conversation with Anthony Weiner.
  • Smelling dog farts.
  • Smelling husband farts after a night of cheap beer.
  • Napping in a snake pit.
  • Working as Kim Kardashian’s gynecologist.
  • Reading the Torah at a KKK gathering.
  • Using a porta-john at a Nickelback concert.
  • Eating my own vomit.
  • Drinking a kale, ketchup, and urine smoothie (giving antifreeze a run for its money).
  • Picking gum off the bottom of a chair in my old high school and chewing it.
  • Listening to Roseanne Barr “sing” the national anthem.
  • Making out with Michael Jackson’s desiccated carcass.
  • Having a rabid ferret chew on my crotch.
  • Snorting hot sauce.
  • Three words: hot tar enema.

Get the message?

 

20 responses

  1. Ok…we get the picture….but ,if it becomes hilleries SupremeCourt, we know who ONE of the non voters is.

    Like

    1. ZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

      Like

  2. Having my ovaries removed with a pair of salad tongs. By a blind veterinarian.

    I first read that as “… By a blind vegetarian“. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Luckily, as a football fan in general, and a New Orleans Saints fan in particular, I will be watching the game tonight. Which will be on during the debate broadcast. Damn the bad luck!

    Like

    1. Nope nope nope nope! Nopity nope.

      Like

  4. Hat tip to Scott (Dilbert) Adams. “Being strangled by a deranged clown while drowning in a septic tank”.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I LIKE Kanye’s threads! This way, if I can see a brutha’s hands, I KNOW he’s carrying…

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Turn the sound down and say rude things that go with the way she wiggles her silly lips. – George Harrison, ‘A Hard Day’s Night’

    Fortunately, I don’t have a TV any more, and watching something like that online is the kind of punishment I would expect from a former KGB officer.

    After spending the day arguing with someone who thinks the zika virus is more deadly than smallpox or much worse than polio or whooping cough or TB, must we be punished further?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Top 5 things that would be preferable to being forced to watch the presidential debate tonight:

    5. Have an impacted wisdom tooth removed through my ear.

    4. Have an infected ingrown pubic hair.

    3. Have genital warts.

    2. Have genital warts treated with sandpaper.

    1. Have genital warts AND an infected ingrown pubic hair.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As long as you bring up sandpaper:

      0. Masturbating with sandpaper.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Uh, yeah, no.🙂

        Like

  8. I recently had an emergency root canal and a colonoscopy. And I had to wait three weeks between when the dentist discovered the problem and when he was able to do it.

    Or as I will like to call it, after November 8th, the happy fun time.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I thought this was on list the things I trust more than Hillary?

    Playing with raw meat inside an alligator enclosure in Florida.

    Like

  10. Nicki: Embrace the power of AND.😎

    Like

  11. #LetGaryDebate
    #goGaryGo
    #JohnsonWeld2016

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Though I don’t plan to support him, I can’t resist:

      #FeelTheJohnson

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Sand paper a bobcat’s ass in a phone booth

    Liked by 1 person

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