Things that make me want to nuke civilization from space

There are days.

There are days I literally want to shut down my computer and never come near the Internet again, and yet, I’m drawn to this collective psychosis we call “the world wide web,” like a moth to a flame… or one of those crackly lights that will kill the moth the moment it touches the bulb. Like a motorist who can’t help but rubberneck at a wreck on the side of the road, I had to open this. Immediately upon clicking on the link, I began to hit myself over the head with a metaphorical brick. WHY??

My recent article about ‘willy-cloning’ was greeted with such interest and hilarity on social media that the company responsible for the kits – Empire Labs, of Portland, Oregon – got in touch to ask if I fancied trying out a female version, the charmingly named ‘Clone a Pussy‘.

If that opening paragraph doesn’t make you die a little inside, this will.

The first thing to note is that Clone a Pussy does not create a model of the vagina itself – I can only imagine what sort of mess that would make with the moulding gel.

Instead, it creates a reasonably accurate copy of the vulva – the outside bits.

So while the male version can be put to, shall we say, practical use after construction, the female clone is for decorative purposes only.

audreyWho in the everblasting, rollerblading fuck would want to decorate their house with anything resembling a vagoo – inside or out? Sorry, but it’s not, in and of itself, an attractive body part. It’s pink. It’s hairy (unless you go the extra mile to de-fur). It’s oddly similar to Audrey 2 from “Little Shop of Horrors” sans teeth or blood lust.

“Oh, I know what this living room is missing! A set of labia vaguely slug-like in appearance! Perfect! Now let me just frame it and hang it riiiiiiight… over here.”

Yeahno, Cupcake! It ain’t pretty. It’s utilitarian. There’s certainly nothing embarrassing about it, but it ain’t art!

The second thing that made me want to hide under my desk today. Women paying for “expert vagina massages.”

They’re called gigolos, you daft bints. They’re getting you off for money. Calling it something different doesn’t change its nature.

Now, I’m all for the free market. Seriously. If a consenting adult wants to sell their… services for money to another consenting adult, more power to y’all! Have at it! But let’s not pretend it’s anything other than what it is. As I told She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named when I found out she was dancing at a strip club in West Virginia instead of working as a waitress, “You are an adult, and you can do with your body as you please, but if you’re going to be a whore, be an honest whore.”

Third thing that makes me throat punch a hippie, apparently women just can’t do science. Why? Because TEH FEELZ!

The syllabi for college-level STEM courses—science, technology, engineering, and mathematics—are “gendered” because they promote the idea that knowledge can be ascertained through reason. This is a masculine concept that hurts women’s feelings and makes it difficult for them to succeed.

That’s according to “Are STEM Syllabi Gendered? A Feminist Critical Discourse Analysis” of the STEM syllabi at one Midwestern university. The discourse was authored by the University of North Dakota’s Laura Parson, and published in The Qualitative Report earlier this year.

It presupposes that certain stylistic choices—command words like “will” and “must”—are inherently masculine and anti-woman, and then sets out to determine whether these words show up in STEM syllabi. Since a syllabus is not a negotiation, but rather, a set of instructions about how to succeed in a given class, they do indeed contain lots of commands.

Parson needs to stop embarrassing all women and take up a distinctly feminine feminist field that shall not force her pretty, dainty, weak self to conform to those pesky facts that chafe her tender labia. (If you notice a vagina theme here… Yeah, there is one.)

Try Kvetching 101, or the advanced “Taking Offense 300 – Strategies in Silencing the Opposition.”

Go with “Ruminations in Third-Wave Feminist Thought – The Best Three Minutes of Your Life,” or “Tears: Your Ultimate Weapon Against the CisWhitePatriarchy.”

But stay the fuck out of the sciences or anything else requiring logical thought. Please!

And then there’s this piece of spewed dreck onto a computer screen that makes the ages old claim that white people inherently racist and privileged.

If you’re like me, growing up, the word “Black” was always spoken of in whispers in your family. It was like we were saying something taboo. Why was that? Because it was taboo. We might feel more comfortable saying “African-American,” but not “Black.” The reason is that we were raised to believe that “colorblindness” was the ideal for whites. We were taught that we shouldn’t “see color.” And saying the word “Black” was an acknowledgment of the fact that we did “see color.”

Well, thank dog I’m nothing like you, hipster douche Omega male! I can and have said the word “black” throughout my childhood and my adulthood. I do recognize color – the fact that it exists and that some of us have more melanin in our skin than others. I just don’t give a fuck. There, I said it. Beyond recognizing that there are different hues to human beings, I just don’t care. My black friends (there, I said it, you emasculated coward) make me just as happy as my white friends. Know why? Because they’re wonderful human beings. So go fuck yourself. You don’t speak for me, and I would wager that aside from a few guilt-ridden about their own whiteness, braindead Snowflakes, you don’t speak for any other white people either. Moron.

Then there’s this bit from the Santa Clara County Office of Education

Did you know that mispronouncing a student’s name negates the identity of the student? This can lead to anxiety and resentment which, in turn, can hinder academic progress. Help us build positive school culture and promote respect to students and families.

Crying-Baby-PicturesWell, holy microaggressing fuck!

So the identity of the individual isn’t based on accomplishments, intelligence, intellectual curiosity, ability, or anything else related to those antediluvian norms. The identity of the individual is based entirely on what the kid’s parents might or might not have been smoking at the time when they decided to name their little precious North West or Chanda Leer.

As someone whose last name was consistently butchered by teachers in school, I understand the embarrassment when a teacher struggles to phonetically spell a foreign name, only to fail miserably. I get having to preemptively pronounce your name before the teacher stumbles like a drunken clown, making all the other kids giggle. But could we possibly get some damn perspective here, people?

Getting little Nevaeh’s or Reighleigh’s (no, really – that’s Riley) name wrong won’t traumatize her/him/it/whatever. It won’t destroy their identity, unless they’re being raised by weak-minded parents, who don’t teach them where their value comes from, which I suspect is the case for many of these poor kids, whose parents think naming them something “cool” and “different” will garner them respect without having to actually accomplish anything to earn it. Trying too hard to be original? Don’t. If your child has an ethnic name, be understanding. Recognize that not everyone is going to get it right from the first get-go, and that it’s not a slight against you, your ethnicity, or your child. In other words, stop being a special fucking snowflake!

Thank dog it’s Friday. I can avoid stupid on the weekends… I think.



33 responses

  1. Sweet Meteor O’Death: the other way to be sure.

    As for mangling names… I’m in my fifties, and no one has ever pronounced my last name correctly on the first try. Somehow, I survived that… into my fifties. Guess I’d have to turn in my snowflake card if I had one.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’d probably say it in German, myself.

      My first name (Aurora) regularly gets mispronounced and misspelled here in Australia, so I just say “Rory.”

      That still gets mispronounced, (Lorie? Cory? etc) but eh. If these dimwitted twatforbrains have such shallow concepts of who they are, anything is ready to blow their ‘identity’ away – they haven’t got much of one!

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Germans come closest, but still miss it. It originated in a regional dialect of Old High German.

        I rather like that people have trouble with it. When dealing with assholes, I can make them uncomfortable by repeatedly correcting their mispronunciations. On the other hand, it’s a great excuse to get on a first name basis in more congenial circumstances.

        Liked by 2 people

        1. *grin* My Dad knew an American diplomat back in Paris who had a very German first name and surname, the kind that evokes images of tall blue eyed blonds, like ‘Ulrich Hausmann.’ The surprise that would result from a very Japanese looking man being seen instead was always fun. He was Japanese, adopted by a German couple as a baby and they immigrated to the US when he was small.


  2. Same here. Everyone always mispronounced my last name, Jacoby. They used a short “a” instead of a long “o.” I simply gently corrected them. But yeah, I’m in my fifties too, I guess we were made of sterner stuff than today’s precious snowflakes.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I wouldn’t have a giant vag decorating my house. I’d feel like I was being watched by the Eye of Sauron!


    Liked by 4 people

  4. Almost forgot to post this: SPEW ALERT!!!

    My last name rhymes with pickle, tickle and trickle. That isn’t hard to pronounce out loud, or spell, is it? No, and yet, somehow, my entire life, people have mispronounced, misspelled and generally made a salad out of it, until I really want to smack my father’s mother and ask her why she didn’t keep her maiden name. But no matter, my middle name is my other grandmother’s maiden name, which is also her uncle’s last name, and he fought with the Union Army during the Civil War, so I’ve decided to use my middle name as my authorship name. Easy to spell, pronounce and not closely related to vegetables or pizzas.

    It’s as if they don’t even try. Names stemming from non-WASP languages such as Polish or Czech, I can understand. Sometimes it’s a mystery, but if you just ask politely “How do you pronounce your name?”, nobody is offended by that. It’s simply good manners to ask.

    But the salacious artwork? Can someone tell that dumb, horny broad that if she’s REALLY that serious about porn, she can find fake vaginas, pussies and dicks at just about any adult toy site online. I’d love to see her collage of a matching set of cocks and balls. It would be – well, inspirational, at the very least. She, and those other horny women who pay good money to get their innards tickled would be much better off with sex toys than person-to-person contact. I mean, i’d want a certified health certificate and a recent set of test results for that kind of thing. And they could read some of the hornbitch romance lit available on the market. It would quickly relieve their – um, needs?

    Now, if you really want to get into it, you can type ‘squick me out’ in your search block, and go to a series of articles on Heroes and Heartthrobs about which words to not use when writing erotic scenes in romance novels. “Throbbing”, for instance, appears to be particularly offensive. But I digress.

    I lean toward being blunt, so if you find my comment offensive, well – grow up and get over yourselves, children. I was thinking about writing something like this for TAH, but the feedback I’d get from those back-from-the-wars GUYZZ would probably burn my ears. And I probably read far too much Henry Miller, too.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Here’s a link to ‘Heroes and Heartbreakers’.

      Not ‘hearththrobs’. Sorry. My bad.


    2. People can mangle anyone’s name. When I worked on a computer helpdesk, I was taught to answer the phone, “Thank you for calling the [Companyname] Helpdesk, this is Wayne, how can I help you?”

      I speak pretty clearly most of the time. You would not believe how many people called me William after I told them my name…


    3. Y’know what’s funny? I am actually aware of the ‘mold your bits’ thing from years ago; but they were intended to actually… be useful. Okay the male bits one is easier to make, and the female version was only for the outside; but the …uh, clamshell was actually bonded to …a guy’s helping toy, shall we say. They were meant to be… somewhat… romantic gestures? … for couples who tend to be apart for long periods of time.

      Or for a couple with a sense of humor to laugh about.

      Giant vagoo thing adorning wall? No, thanks. If I wanted that, I’ll get a Georgia O’Keeffe (sp?) print of lilies and flowers.


      1. “Cynthia Plastercaster” from the ’60s and ’70s. Did Jimi Hendrix and Mick Jagger, among others.


    4. I have a last name that’s hideously hard to spell, and I picked up (from my dad, who coincidentally had the same problem) a strategy when dealing with a situation where your actual name didn’t matter. E.g., holding a part at a car parts store, restaurant reservations, etc. He’d give his last name as “Dean,” figuring no one will ever ask to spell it.

      One time I did this, and could see the man type “Steve Deen.” I managed to keep a straight face until I got to the parking lot. (Hey, at least he didn’t ask.) (And I found out later about “Paula Deen” which is probably why this happened.)


  5. [incoherent sputtering] I *tried* to read that “paper”. Who the hell is this Laura Parson? All I can find is something that suggests she is a Clinical Assistant Professor with a degree in Education and PoliSci. I’m guessing this waste of Carbon-12 has never taken a *real* science course in her life.

    I read a couple of choice segments to my sister who has a BS from Clemson in Mat E. “a view of knowledge that was to be acquired by the student, which promotes a view of knowledge as unchanging” According to her, a Square root does not change simply because you do not like the answer. And the atomic structure of Di Hydrogen Monoxide is unchanging unless you apply extreme temperature, at that point it becomes”dynamic”.

    When I read her this line “STEM classroom practices that contribute to a chilly climate are weed-out courses, courses that grade on a curve, a competitive environment, reliance on lecture as a teaching method, an
    individualistic culture, and comprehensive exams” she started sputtering. I think I heard something about “changed *that*much” and “wimps”. (as a reference point: she graduated in 88)

    As to that person on HuffPo, well consider the source. He’s so busy apologizing for his heritage that he does not see the bigotry coming from some of the BLM members. Or the irony that those same BLM people are doing nothing to help the black lives in the inner cities.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Heh. Along with all the other distinctions of your blog, it now becomes the first one on which I’ve read the phrase “Clone a Pussy”. Sorry, but that just makes me smile. At least, once I realized it had nothing to do with re-creating the dearly departed Li’l Suggums for some crazy cat lady.

    A long-time urology nurse, who has seen many, many more pink tacos, up close and personal, than I’ll ever see, once told me, “Pussies are like snowflakes; no two are exactly alike.”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. At first I misread it as “clown pussy.”


      1. “Does this pussy taste funny?”

        Liked by 3 people

        1. Oh, lord, I almost snorted my tea…

          Liked by 1 person

        2. “Is it supposed to be… blue-green?”


        3. Well…damn….gotta clean the coffee off the keyboard…


    2. Hubby: Most people would be happy to put a snowflake on their tongue, contrary to the previous comparison (re: the many, many pink tacos, which your job may often have the query: “Is this normal” and he reckons that your job may have more yeast than a vegimite factory…)

      Liked by 1 person

  7. …I hesitate to ask, but have you heard about the one who decided to try see if she could make bread using the yeast from her vaginal yeast infection?

    I could’ve shrugged it off as a gross but ‘let’s see what happens!’ science experiment, but apparently it’s a feminist thing; kind of on the line of ‘Shout out your STD with PRIDE’ thing. Then again, if these folks are mental enough to take having an STD as an identity… I say, let them shout as much as possible, so we can avoid them more easily.

    Hubby’s comment: These people seem to do everything with pride, because they don’t do anything with sense.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Any nurse that’s said, “Seen one, seen them all…” has never worked an Urban ER on a Saturday night.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And I now want to vomit. LOL


    2. I remember that one and I remember shaking my head at the time thinking the woman is an idiot. I fear we’re getting used to all the senseless and moronic crap people pull. Very little surprises me and I don’t get as angry anymore. Then again, I try to sidestep articles and vids that I know will frustrate the hell out of me. Mostly because it’s open-ended. There is no satisfaction of seeing them pay the consequences of their stupid/unjust behaviors. At least Nicki has a colorful way of denouncing these people and their acts of horrendous stupidity. It brings a smile to my face and reminds me life is not entirely without hope. 😛

      Liked by 3 people

    3. Oh, I remember that, AND a worse one. I mean, at least the cooking will kill the yeast, but I also remember one where some woman decided to make yogurt with it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh ewwww.

        I remember thinking at the time: why would ANYONE let it get that bad???!!!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Welp. I’m no longer hungry!

          Liked by 1 person

  8. > Getting little Nevaeh’s or Reighleigh’s. .. name wrong won’t
    > traumatize her/him/it/whatever. … unless they’re being raised
    > by weak-minded parents,

    Well, either that, or their parents hated them and wanted to make their lidw miserable.


  9. Oh, yeah!!! I haven’t laughed this hard in a few weeks!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Mispronounced names? My last name has been said wrong all my life. Not much of a problem now, but when I was in high school sports, at all away games, football, baseball, etc., whenever they said my name on the loudspeaker, they said my name wrong. And my family had been playing in that conference for years. The kids on all the teams and I, by the time I was a senior in school, were friends, and would sometimes hang out on weekends. My name rhymes with fries, or pies, so you can guess how they would mispronounce it. Freeze or peas.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I find this amusing mostly because my last name is SPELLED like fries (except with a “De” in front of it” but pronounced like Freeze. And always gets mispronounced as fries. And misspelled. The F in the middle is capitalized.


  11. Puts me in mind of the old joke about “looks bad–feels good”; no, I won’t repeat it!


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