James Bond with a vagina? NO!

One of my friends posted an article from the Guardian on social media that reports X-Files actress Gillian Anderson has hinted she would be interested in portraying iconic British spy 007.

The star of The Fall and The X-Files expressed her desire to take over from Daniel Craig as the world’s most famous secret agent, tweeting, alongside the poster: “It’s Bond, Jane Bond.”

She added: “(And sorry, don’t know who made poster but I love it!)”, with the hashtag #NextBond.

Stop! Stop the insanity!

This has got to be one of the most retarded ideas I’ve heard. Ever.

I was indignant when they remade the 80s classic Ghostbusters with an all-female cast. It isn’t because I don’t like females or vaginas. It was because the movie is a classic, and recasting it to appear progressive and original in lieu of actual originality is downright offensive! Why mess with a classic? Why completely retell the story? It wasn’t that the original was lacking in some way. It wasn’t. It was fun and silly and sarcastic and over the top. Why remake it with an all-female cast? What is the purpose? Why essentially destroy what was?

I wouldn’t have minded so much if director Paul Feig simply made a sequel to the saga starring a bunch of hilarious women, but instead he chose to take a large, steaming dump on the original and retell the story as if the great characters who brought the movie to millions of loving fans never existed.

Yeah, let’s stomp out the penis and insert a bunch of twats! That’ll show the patriarchy!

bondThat’s pretty much how I feel about this ridiculous idea of recasting Bond as a female – whether a joke or not on Gillian Anderson’s part. No, Bond is not and should not be recast a woman. You can’t pretend that decades of Bond just all of a sudden ceased to exist in an effort to wipe out the penis dominance in cinema!

Bond is a manwhore, to be sure. I’ve often wondered if he carries a vial of penicillin in his vast bag of tricks… you know… just to be sure.

But at the same time Bond is the epitome of masculinity. He’s a badass. He’s what teenage boys aspire to be. He’s over the top man – not necessarily realistic, but still a charming character that has held up well over the decades.

That is not in any way a part that will do well with a sex change!

You want to create a badass female operative in the Bond universe? Great! Have at it! Anderson would do well in that role, I think.

But leave Bond alone, you dicks!

38 responses

  1. “You want to create a badass female operative in the Bond universe? Great! Have at it! Anderson would do well in that role, I think.

    But leave Bond alone”

    Second that. 🙂

    Half my reason for watching Bond movies is the nice piece of … body they have in the role. We all know that the movies are not true to the Flemming stories, but when you run Connery or Brosnan across the screen, who cares. -wg- Put a woman in the role and I’m gone.

    And as far as GB – nope, not here. I was turned off by the premises.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Brosnan was almost TOO hot for that role! My god, that guy is handsome!

      No, SO not going to see the Ghostbusters dumpster fire! No way!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. And like a fine wine, he gets better with age. 😉

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      2. Paul (Drak Bibliophile) Howard

        What Ghostbuster?

        There hasn’t been a Ghostbuster movie for years.😉

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  2. Paul (Drak Bibliophile) Howard
    1. Totally agree!

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    2. That would be great! There is one Modesty Blaise movie from the 60’s, but it was a parody. Real faithful to the idea version has never been made as far as I know.

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  3. Most James Bond fans are pretty sure Timothy Dalton has a vagina.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Ghost Rider 6

    Without even addressing the question of whether the female analog of James Bond would be a flaming nymphomaniac or a diesel dyke, I’ll just say “No, not a good idea.”

    Gillian, once described, I believe, as “The Thinking Man’s Trollop”, but who as SA Dana Scully could certainly kick ass when required, could be a creditable Modesty Blaise. And I could totally see her as a current iteration of, say, Agent 006 or some other numbered agent, either as a character in a Bond flick or a stand-alone version. But sadly, she just wouldn’t have the balls to be the James Bond we know and love.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. If you recall movies from the late 1970s and the 1980s, they were original, they were fun (Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Men In Black) or scary (Freddie Krueger, Poltergeist, Terminator, Aliens) or sentimentally silly (Roxanne, When Harry Met Sally).

    Now what do we get? We get reruns (Star Trek), remakes (Ghostbusters) and copies (Ghostbusters). We get DC Comics and Marvel Comics and kids’ toys (Transformers), because Hollywood the Industry hasn’t had an original idea in nearly 30 long, dry years of movie making and they are scared shitless that someone is going to find out just how stupid and non-creative they really are. If a western proves popular (Silverado), they start making bad PC westerns, which fail. If a romantic comedy proves popular (Roxanne, My Big Fat Greek Wedding), they copy it and fail. They do not understand how to let creativity flourish. If they redid ‘Some Like It Hot’, Marilyn Monroe wouldn’t even be considered for the part.

    When Neil Gaiman was approached by a production studio about the rights to one of his stories, he described it in a way that emphasized the idiocy of that bunch of morons in great detail. The upshot of that was that the studio bought the rights to his story, but was afraid to make the movie because of (choose one or all) cost, PC, not knowing whether or not it would make a profit.

    Expecting those people to actually have a good, viable idea and run with it is a waste of time. They’re terrified of offending anyone, so they offend everyone in sight. They fund idiots (Oliver Stone) who try to rewrite history but forget that there are plenty of us who lived through it. They need their own safe planet, that’s all. The worst part is that they waste more money on copying, remaking, and redoing stories that they miss the entire point of movie-making, which is telling stories.

    And this idea? As someone else has said, Modesty Blaise is a much better idea. And why not that woman who writes detective stories involving cats?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ghost Rider 6

      To paraphrase Fred Allen, imitation is the sincerest form of Hollywood.

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    2. I flatly refuse to watch the new Star Wars. As soon as I found out the plot AGAIN revolved around destroying a big bad ship (godfuckingdamnit they even did that in Episode I) I just threw up my hands and said fuckit.

      The reboot of Star Trek seemed tolerable–but then they re-told Wrath of Khan, rather than come up with a new script. At least next time they can’t use Old Spock to cheat.

      The new Terminator at least had some cleverness to the re-use.

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      1. OK, you’ll kill me, but I really enjoyed the new Star Wars! *ducks and runs*

        Also, I loved the Star Trek reboot, but that may have had something to do with Benedict Cumberbatch. I can just sit there and listen to his voice and be happy.

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        1. I know a lot of people enjoyed the new Star Wars despite complaining about the reuse. So I figure Abrams probably did a decent job with what he was handed.

          Star Wars I represents the first case I know of, of what I call a “pre-hash” It was a prequel that somehow rehashed what it was a prequel of, except it was not a “bigger and flashier” but a damp squib. Smaller ship and the hero blundered his way through it like fucking Jacques Clouseau, destroying the ship by accident, basically. Now when Peter Sellers pulls that routine it’s supposed to be funny and is…when it’s not meant to be comedy, it’s horrid.

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    3. Hellyweird would not do a good Modesty Blaise, she was an independent who sometimes helped a government agency, not an agent of the Holy State.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. That reminds me, there has been an ongoing conversation on IMDb The Legend of Tarzan forum whether Tarzan could be played by a black actor, and several answers are “yes”.

    Well, maybe the common movie’s Me Tarzan, You Jane version, I guess it wouldn’t really matter much what color or nationality the guy is in that. But if you take the original novel you’d have to change pretty much everything, including the name (Tarzan is supposed to mean “white skin” in the ape language) because what we have is a lost heir to a British noble house in the late years of the 19th century. You could take only the “badass raised by an (imaginary) species of great apes in an African jungle” and that’s pretty much that, and that would not have all that much in common with the original. Different character, different story.

    So if somebody wants to tell that story, go ahead and tell it, if it’s well told I’d like to read it (or watch it as a movie). But don’t claim that’s Tarzan. Because it isn’t.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. They have no original ideas any longer. So they remake and re-remake, or sequel to death anything they can, but they MUST go SJW on everything too, so they blow chunks. Even left leaning sorts really don’t like them, and they wonder why so many of these things are massive flops.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Nicki,
    Your question: “Why essentially destroy what was?”
    Is the answer. It’s what they do.

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  9. I loved Sean Connery as James Bond, partly because he had such COOL toys, but MOSTLY because he got chicks the way I wanted to get chicks (I was just a lad of 11, about to embark on puberty when I saw Goldfinger; just because I couldn’t play the game didn’t mean I didn’t understand the ways the cards were dealt).
    And I don’t think ‘getting chicks’ translates into ‘getting dudes’. Or rather, it already WORKS if ya work it, but is a lethal lifestyle.
    See, James Bond walks into a room, and every eye is on him, and his sexual charisma is such that he KNOWS that any woman will immediately jump in the sack with him, and they know it, too. And that may not be totally fiction, but it’s a frappen rarity in real life.
    But, the opposite of that? Female James Bond walks into the room? Heck it doesn’t TAKE a female James Bond. It just takes a female. In reality, a fat ugly biker chick walks into a room, picks a guy, and says “Ya wanna have sex?” and the answer is ALWAYS yes. It’s the Hydraulic Problem: men have enough blood to operate their brain, OR their penis, but not both at the same time. Result? Just about every woman could bed just about every man, if that is her intention.
    And Bond DID have some tough and scary chicks. I don’t remember if the scene played this way in the movie, but in the book ‘Dr. No,’ he comes upon the naked Honeychile Rider, and what does she do when she sees him? She pulls a knife on him. Reverse the genders, and nobody believes the scene.
    Oh, yeah: Pussy Galore. What’s her counterpart going to be? Biggus Dickus?

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    1. So Jane Bond will be as big a slut puppy as James Bond?
      Hope the get somebody young and hot, not ‘mature and experienced’

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      1. She’s going to be a womanizer. Nothing screams BOND like an ageing lesbian!

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    2. CavScoutCoastie

      What’s her counterpart going to be? Biggus Dickus?

      – I hadn’t thought about that aspect. That’s hysterical!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yep! Dying here!

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  10. “Why essentially destroy what was?”

    It’s what they do. They hate anything that’s fun, creative, or original.

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    1. Because PENIS!

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    2. I’d try to embed a clip of the Terminator line “that’s all he does!…And he absolutely will not stop, ever!” but I’m feeling too lazy right now.

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  11. parabarbarian

    To add some fat to the fire, there are rumors that Tom Hiddleston is on the short list to be the next James Bond.

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    1. He says no one has approached him. I just finished watching “The Night Manager,” and I thought he was phenomenal, so I think that choice would be a win!🙂

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      1. I’ve got 2 ideas for the next James Bond.
        1:Henry Cavill, if no one has seen “Man from Uncle” please go watch it. I think you’ll see Cavill as a good candidate after watching.
        2:Idris Elba, if they’re going to do a black James Bond it should be Idris Elba. I can’t think of many black actors that could pull of James Bond, and i feel that Elba has that smooth and suave personality that could work as Bond.

        PS:Am i the only that misses Cold War espionage films? I love “Man from Uncle” for sticking to the cold war and not going modern or sci.

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        1. *sci fi

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        2. Like Tom Ellis, I think Cavill might just be too hot for that role. I’d love to see Idris Elba, though!

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    2. He should do a great Bond. What’s more, I think he might be closer to the way Ian Fleming imagined Bond to look like than any of the actors who have had the role so far have been (I think Fleming would have wanted David Niven for the role, and said Hoagy Carmichael was also somebody who looked like what he had imagined – somebody I’m not at all familiar with, I just looked at the wiki page, but yes, similar type of looks).

      Hm. Has anybody watched the Fox series “Lucifer”? Tom Ellis seems to be somebody who can do a ladies man pretty well, although he might be a bit too much on the pretty boy side for Bond. I did like Pierce Brosnan, but part of that was due to the eye candy aspect, I don’t think he was quite able to convey what the character should be like.

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      1. Oh, I LOVE Tom Ellis! He absolutely oozes charm. He may be a little too young for Bond, no?

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        1. Maybe. But if the series continues, a few years down the road he just might do.

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  12. I have to admit a female Starbuck worked out better than I thought it would.

    Of course almost everything in that series was different except for personal names.

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    1. CavScoutCoastie

      There was actually pretty good writing on that show, especially early. They actually explored some questions relevant to the war on terror in a mature fashion without preaching. Even if they picked sides on an issue, they’d usually show enough to concede the other side had a valid point. It went off the rails later but it was impressive early on.

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      1. The way that series ended was a damp squib, that’s for sure.

        On another similar note I know people who watched the entire Stargate SG-1 series and it ended so dysfunctionally they swore they’d never watch any of it ever again.

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        1. scott2harrison

          That one was not their fault. They were apparently notified that the series was cancelled with just two or three episodes left to be shot before the cancellation

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