Mike Webb: The Fappening

I first heard the name “Mike Webb” when he sent me a friend request on Facebook. I had no idea who this guy was, but we had Rob as a friend in common, so I asked whether he was safe to approve. At that point, Rob told me Mike was a “bit odd,” but a decent guy, and that he was running for the GOP nomination for Virginia’s 8th District to challenge incumbent Don Beyer.

Long story short, I approved the request.

A few weeks later, Rob told me that Webb was completely unhinged. He was sending out rambling, incoherent press releases, invoking his past military service, and spamming those with whom he didn’t agree with incomprehensible emails. Rob, who considered supporting Webb for the nomination, stepped back upon seeing the embarrassing spectacle he was making of himself, and told Webb exactly why he was not supporting him… as only Rob can.

WUT?

WUT?

Well, Webb wasn’t having none of that! Multiple emails, irrational and disjointed missives masquerading as press releases, social media posts, and froth-flecked attempts to call Rob out at local meetings later, and we realized that Webb was unhinged.

In addition to that, he showed up at campaign events wearing Army ACUs, looking much like a drunken hobo! He claims he’s a retired Army Major. He implies he was a Ranger, even though he was a legal clerk in a Ranger battalion. He claims he spent a 20 year career in the military and never deployed. Yeah, I believe that one. (I’ll let others post research on Webb’s alleged military career. Thank you Jonn and TAH.) And yet, Webb appears unaware and unfazed by the fact that it is against regulations for him to campaign in an Army uniform – even if he did remove the patches!

Retirees. Paragraph 30-3 of the above listed regulation gives full details. Army retirees may wear the Army uniform only for the following circumstances:

(1) Personnel performing instructor duties at an educational institution conducting courses of instruction approved by the Armed Forces (such as JROTC).

(2) While attending military funerals, memorial services, weddings, inaugurals, and other occasions of ceremony.

(3) Attending parades on national or state holidays, or other patriotic parades or ceremonies in which any active or reserve United States military unit is taking part.

For (2) and (3), above, only service and dress uniforms may be worn; the BDU and physical fitness uniforms will not be worn.

Wear of the Army uniform at any other time, or for any other purpose than stated above is prohibited.

Luckily this unbalanced nutbar got his ass handed to him at the 8th District convention last week, and his opponent Charles Hernick won the GOP nomination. Webb, then decided that God was somehow calling on him to continue his preposterous campaign, so he is now running for the 8th District Congressional seat as an Independent.

He has about as much chance of winning as my dog’s ass has of becoming a starfish model, but that’s beside the point.

This fappened yesterday.

Webb published a post on his campaign page Monday that included a screenshot of his computer desktop. And as it happened, Webb hadn’t bothered to close his pornography tabs when he took his screengrab.

Ooops!

Check open tabs for areas of concern!

Check open tabs for areas of concern!

A guy who was flogging his Christianity at every turn during what can only loosely be described as his “campaign” took a screen cap of his computer, and revealed his fapping material.

Worse yet, thousands of comments followed, the media picked up the story, including The Daily Caller, Gawker, the Telegraph, and NBC News, and Webb allowed the post to remain all day, as ridicule and consternation were heaped upon him.

In another faptastic follow-up post, Webb claimed he was only testing the porn sites for viruses. No, I’m serious.  In a now-deleted, multi-thousand word, rambling Facebook dispatch, Webb implied that Rob, Charles Hernick, and others were perhaps responsible for a computer virus that apparently kept him from filing his “campaign’s” finance report on time. I’m not sure if he thinks that my husband somehow sent him porn links rife with viruses or what. That part wasn’t clear, and both posts have finally been deleted, only to be replaced by this fapsurd horse fuckery.

Today’s notorious post reached almost 200,000 people. The succeeding post reached a little more than a tenth of that, and all through the viral infection of social media and word of mouth. And, I certainly received my share of “interesting” comments, but no more out of the ordinary than what I have received since beginning this quest. But, the truly amazing thing about today was that “I saw also the Lord, high and lifted up,” and I was very much moved by the love and support of those who expressed their encouragement and support, even some in the national and local press.

This is where the FAPTASTIC non-Ranger implies that he’s grateful for the love and support he’s received. The implication is that he’s thankful for his “buddies” giving him a reality check and keeping him in line. And if by “love and support” he means the numerous accusations of hypocrisy, and endless mockery and ridicule, sure!

The cluelessness is fapalicious! Webb obviously can’t recognize derision and disparagement when he encounters it, although some of the memes posted on his site should be crystal clear. Instead, he pretends the scorn doesn’t exist, and delusionally thanks his “buddies” for the check.

webb3Fapparific!

Not only does Webb use Yahoo! search in Google Chrome, which in and of itself is an unforgivable sin, but he actually believes the publicity for spanking the monkey to tight booty Pr0n while preaching Christian family values is good for his campaign!

One commenter about a half hour ago told me that I needed to hire a new social media director, and others earlier were concluding that the candidate declared DOA in his press debut before Christmas in the local press—six months before a Republican challenger ever gets picked up—today is toast for sure. But, when I read that post about the social media director, we were up 42 likes on Facebook, and I don’t know how many on Twitter. Just now, I looked at Facebook, again, and we are up 75, far outpacing my rival who defeated me with establishment support in the nomination convention.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with rubbing one out in the privacy of your own home. It’s none of my business what kind of sites you visit in your spare time, and whether you like fapping to “tight booty” or “sexy amateurs.”

But if you’re going to publicly flog your Christianity, and then come up with some lame excuse about doing “research” to see if porn sites contain viruses… or something vaguely incoherent like that… you’re going to get called on it. Hard (pun fully intended).

And if you do get caught with your paw in the cookie jar, so to speak, at least have the testicular fortitude to admit it!

19 responses

  1. Interesting guy. I like this response:

    “Not only has your audience grown, I feel confident your engagement is up. Granted, your new following is largely comprised of people who think you probably need help tying your shoes, but still. Great work. A real lesson in solid social media strategy for the rest of us.”

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    1. LMAO!!! A lot of these responses were absolute solid gold comedy!!!

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        1. I grew my meme collection by a lot last night!

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  2. “I saw also the Lord, high and lifted up,”

    He’s confusing the Lord with something else that was lifted up.

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    1. Awwww. man! Could you post a spew alert????

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      1. Who, me? Just for pointing out what an upstanding male member of society he is?

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    2. What he was publicly flogging wasn’t the Gospel…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ain’t that the gospel truth!

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  3. Ghost Rider 6

    This gentleman possibly needs professional help.

    There, do I win today’s prize for Understatement?

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    1. Dude. You win!

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  4. The porn sites are probably less infected than the Christian sites

    Liked by 1 person

  5. James Schardt

    Considering a few things I saw in my 22 year career, I can actually believe he never deployed. Mind you, you either have to be in an MOS that doesn’t deploy much or is possibly obsolete (I worked with a really good avionics guy that had never deployed. His MOS was going out with the A Model Apaches which meant he was only able to go stateside or Korea) or you really have to try hard to avoid them. How many times did he go to Korea and how long did he hide there?

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    1. Not sure. Jonn at TAH has his 214s up. He was a legal clerk in a Ranger battalion and he was Intel after that! 35D! All source intelligence! No way they don’t deploy!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. James Schardt

        Did you catch that he was an intel officer in the reserves? His DD214 doesn’t list any deployments. Frankly, acting the way he does now, if he were in my unit, he’d be one of the first I put on Rear-D if I were deploying (I saw this happen with our Battalion XO just before I retired. He was active/stupid).

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    2. It’s definitely possible to never deploy. I retired with 20 years as an ELINT analyst, but never deployed. Was supposed to deploy to Desert Shield, but a couple of weeks before we were supposed to ship out, our unit got pulled from the list. Then I was in a unit designated as part of the follow-on force for OIF in the initial stages…PCS orders I was on were rescinded. After the initial invasion when it looked like things were going to end quickly, the stop movement was lifted, my PCS orders reinstated, and I left 3 months later. 2 months after that, my former unit got deployment orders. In my last assignment, I was on a short list to deploy as an individual augmentee, and I got pulled from that by my command one week prior to flying out. I retired in 2006. Lots of deployment training….lots of shots….no actual deployments. Shit happens. It doesn’t mean that Webb is less of a scrote…..but not deploying in 20 years CAN happen.

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      1. I would think that’s probably very rare though. Aside from a couple of folks with medical issues, I don’t know very many troops who haven’t deployed at least once.

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  6. Unfortunately the Democrats don’t have a monopoly on crazy or lying.
    What is this “porn” thing you speak of??
    Hell, I don’t even own a pornograph.

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    1. PR0N, Alex! PR0N!😉

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