I first heard the name “Mike Webb” when he sent me a friend request on Facebook. I had no idea who this guy was, but we had Rob as a friend in common, so I asked whether he was safe to approve. At that point, Rob told me Mike was a “bit odd,” but a decent guy, and that he was running for the GOP nomination for Virginia’s 8th District to challenge incumbent Don Beyer.
Long story short, I approved the request.
A few weeks later, Rob told me that Webb was completely unhinged. He was sending out rambling, incoherent press releases, invoking his past military service, and spamming those with whom he didn’t agree with incomprehensible emails. Rob, who considered supporting Webb for the nomination, stepped back upon seeing the embarrassing spectacle he was making of himself, and told Webb exactly why he was not supporting him… as only Rob can.
Well, Webb wasn’t having none of that! Multiple emails, irrational and disjointed missives masquerading as press releases, social media posts, and froth-flecked attempts to call Rob out at local meetings later, and we realized that Webb was unhinged.
In addition to that, he showed up at campaign events wearing Army ACUs, looking much like a drunken hobo! He claims he’s a retired Army Major. He implies he was a Ranger, even though he was a legal clerk in a Ranger battalion. He claims he spent a 20 year career in the military and never deployed. Yeah, I believe that one. (I’ll let others post research on Webb’s alleged military career. Thank you Jonn and TAH.) And yet, Webb appears unaware and unfazed by the fact that it is against regulations for him to campaign in an Army uniform – even if he did remove the patches!
Retirees. Paragraph 30-3 of the above listed regulation gives full details. Army retirees may wear the Army uniform only for the following circumstances:
(1) Personnel performing instructor duties at an educational institution conducting courses of instruction approved by the Armed Forces (such as JROTC).
(2) While attending military funerals, memorial services, weddings, inaugurals, and other occasions of ceremony.
(3) Attending parades on national or state holidays, or other patriotic parades or ceremonies in which any active or reserve United States military unit is taking part.
For (2) and (3), above, only service and dress uniforms may be worn; the BDU and physical fitness uniforms will not be worn.
Wear of the Army uniform at any other time, or for any other purpose than stated above is prohibited.
Luckily this unbalanced nutbar got his ass handed to him at the 8th District convention last week, and his opponent Charles Hernick won the GOP nomination. Webb, then decided that God was somehow calling on him to continue his preposterous campaign, so he is now running for the 8th District Congressional seat as an Independent.
He has about as much chance of winning as my dog’s ass has of becoming a starfish model, but that’s beside the point.
This fappened yesterday.
Webb published a post on his campaign page Monday that included a screenshot of his computer desktop. And as it happened, Webb hadn’t bothered to close his pornography tabs when he took his screengrab.
A guy who was flogging his Christianity at every turn during what can only loosely be described as his “campaign” took a screen cap of his computer, and revealed his fapping material.
Worse yet, thousands of comments followed, the media picked up the story, including The Daily Caller, Gawker, the Telegraph, and NBC News, and Webb allowed the post to remain all day, as ridicule and consternation were heaped upon him.
In another faptastic follow-up post, Webb claimed he was only testing the porn sites for viruses. No, I’m serious. In a now-deleted, multi-thousand word, rambling Facebook dispatch, Webb implied that Rob, Charles Hernick, and others were perhaps responsible for a computer virus that apparently kept him from filing his “campaign’s” finance report on time. I’m not sure if he thinks that my husband somehow sent him porn links rife with viruses or what. That part wasn’t clear, and both posts have finally been deleted, only to be replaced by this fapsurd horse fuckery.
Today’s notorious post reached almost 200,000 people. The succeeding post reached a little more than a tenth of that, and all through the viral infection of social media and word of mouth. And, I certainly received my share of “interesting” comments, but no more out of the ordinary than what I have received since beginning this quest. But, the truly amazing thing about today was that “I saw also the Lord, high and lifted up,” and I was very much moved by the love and support of those who expressed their encouragement and support, even some in the national and local press.
This is where the FAPTASTIC non-Ranger implies that he’s grateful for the love and support he’s received. The implication is that he’s thankful for his “buddies” giving him a reality check and keeping him in line. And if by “love and support” he means the numerous accusations of hypocrisy, and endless mockery and ridicule, sure!
The cluelessness is fapalicious! Webb obviously can’t recognize derision and disparagement when he encounters it, although some of the memes posted on his site should be crystal clear. Instead, he pretends the scorn doesn’t exist, and delusionally thanks his “buddies” for the check.
Not only does Webb use Yahoo! search in Google Chrome, which in and of itself is an unforgivable sin, but he actually believes the publicity for spanking the monkey to tight booty Pr0n while preaching Christian family values is good for his campaign!
One commenter about a half hour ago told me that I needed to hire a new social media director, and others earlier were concluding that the candidate declared DOA in his press debut before Christmas in the local press—six months before a Republican challenger ever gets picked up—today is toast for sure. But, when I read that post about the social media director, we were up 42 likes on Facebook, and I don’t know how many on Twitter. Just now, I looked at Facebook, again, and we are up 75, far outpacing my rival who defeated me with establishment support in the nomination convention.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with rubbing one out in the privacy of your own home. It’s none of my business what kind of sites you visit in your spare time, and whether you like fapping to “tight booty” or “sexy amateurs.”
But if you’re going to publicly flog your Christianity, and then come up with some lame excuse about doing “research” to see if porn sites contain viruses… or something vaguely incoherent like that… you’re going to get called on it. Hard (pun fully intended).
And if you do get caught with your paw in the cookie jar, so to speak, at least have the testicular fortitude to admit it!