Cake Dick

Have you seen the story about Jordan Brown? He’s the gay pastor who decided it would be trendy to be a victim, so he altered a cake he ordered at a Whole Foods in Austin with a gay slur and then publicly claimed to be offended.

It is interesting to note that smart readers immediately noted several things:

  1. The frosting on the letters at the top of the cake that said “LOVE WINS” appeared to have been placed on top of the existing frosting that matched the decorative color surrounding the cake. It appears to have been done in order to match the frosting on the word “FAG” below. A closer look revealed the darker blue underneath.
  2. The writing didn’t match. No matter how much Brown tried to do the same block letters, the additional text was thinner and the spacing was off.
  3. Brown claimed he didn’t see the offensive inscription until he stopped at a stoplight on his way home. As one astute reader pointed out, who doesn’t look at the cake at the store to ensure the inscription was what they wanted? And there was a clear, plastic window at the top of the box, where he could have easily viewed the offending inscription… HAD it actually been there to begin with.
  4. And finally, pick your victim wisely. This was a Whole Foods. In Austin. With an apparently gay or transgender employee! Good lord!

Whole Foods has provided video footage of Brown taking the “offending” cake home that clearly shows he was lying, and the company plans to take legal action against Brown for making fraudulent accusations..

Brown claims he did not notice the writing on the cake until he was in his car, despite the top of the box being clear. Brown also insisted that he could not have tampered with the cake because a sticker was still attached to the box, sealing it. However, Whole Foods says security footage from the store where Brown purchased the cake shows the sticker was on a different place on the box.

Sure he didn’t notice it. Not like there wasn’t a clear window that allowed him to see inside the box, and specifically to the center of the cake, where the word “FAG” was written in capital letters. Dick.

The one rule I try to follow steadfastly in my relationships, and the one rule I constantly see in all my interactions with others is “don’t be a dick.”

Whether it’s “do unto others…” or “harm none…” or other versions of the Golden Rule, the bottom line is always: don’t be a dick.

If you slander another – whether a company or an individual – by claiming they wronged you for profit, you’re a dick.

If you try to play victim by creating a public hoax in order to malign others and bring attention to your cause – no matter how noble – you’re a dick.

If you falsely accuse innocent people to show just how horrible and abusive the world is to you and your ilk, because you can’t seem to find real instances of discrimination and hate, you’re a dick.

If you can’t or won’t recognize the progress that has been made in civil rights and equal treatment and opportunities in this country, but insist that everyone who is not like you is disgusting, prejudiced, racist, bigoted, etc., you’re a dick.

If you try to get those who simply disagree with your views fired or otherwise removed from their positions, you’re a dick.

cakeIf you try to extort money from companies based on false claims merely because they’re better off than you are and you see an opportunity to profit, you’re a dick.

If you attempt to use force – whether government or otherwise – to silence those with opposing views, you’re a dick.

If you retaliate against those who disagree with you by threatening them,  their families, and their livelihoods, revealing their personal information online, launching cyber attacks, or blackmailing them, you’re a dick.

And if you would go so far as to open a cake you just bought and falsify a hateful message just so you can bring attention to your alleged “plight,” and then file suit against the company that sold you that cake, you’re a cake dick.

Jordan Brown, you’re a deplorable cake dick. Live with that.

54 responses

  1. How dare you malign an honorable member of the clergy! I mean, we all know they would never lie or act viciously against the innocent, right?

    Aw, who am I kidding…

    -Jim+

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    1. Now, now, Jim!

      OK, nevermind. LOL

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    2. Actually we all know what terrible people the clergy are. Crazy Christians. What is surprising is the a gay guy would do this. Everyone knows who watches television or has any other contact with mainstream media that all gays are virtually perfect people.

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      1. Probably not really gay. This has all the earmarks of a Mossad false flag operation.

        Wake up, sheeple!

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    3. Apparently there’s no ‘there’ there – no church at the address he gave, etc. Wonder where, and if, he actually has ANY credentials to back up claiming to be a member of the clergy.

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      1. You should read the actual complaint! It’s a thing of beauty retardery.

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  2. Cake dick, Nicki? Is that better or worse than an éclair pecker?

    Seriously, I’m glad to see someone legally retaliating against a SJW for causing actual harm. And that was quite a comprehensive “dick list” you posted.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dicks need to know they’re dicks! LOL They’re too stupid to understand otherwise.

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    2. Oh, the cake dick is taken from the Talking Dead. Chris Hardwick at some point called Jesse’s abusive husband on the show “Porch Dick,” because he was giving Rick shit from his porch when the group first got to Alexandria. Then last week’s Fear the Walking Dead episode Victor Strand was being a dick on his boat, so the term “Boat Dick” came out. It’s only logical that this guy is “Cake Dick.”

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks, Nicki. Don’t watch the “Dead” shows, so didn’t know that. Handy thing to know, though. I’ve already come up with about a dozen “—- Dick” titles for people I know. 🙂

        Oh, and would a Zombie be a “Dead Dick”?

        OK, I’ll stop now, too.

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        1. I’m seeing a lot of dick here today! LOL

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        2. “I’m seeing a lot of dick here today!”

          When I said you had made a comprehensive list of them, I started to add that you must have seen a lot of dicks in your time, but I was afraid that might not come out right.🙂

          OK, I will stop now.

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        3. Yep! Loads and Loads of dicks! :-p

          Liked by 1 person

      2. Would a cad like Bill Clinton be a dick dick?

        And is that any relation to this? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dik-dik

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        1. Isn’t that a small antelope?

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  3. Why didn’t Teh Rev just order a cake in the shape of a penis? He is, after all, a dick to begin with. Save some idiocy and get a dick you can chow down on.

    Okay, I’ll stop making dick jokes now.

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    1. P,S. I forgot to add that I like the new format very much.

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      1. Really glad! It does make it a lot easier to read, right? I like it.

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        1. Yeah, you’ve got it right. Don’t ruin it by dicking around with it.

          (ducks for cover…)

          Liked by 2 people

    2. Chow down on dick. SOOOO many jokes, so little time!

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    3. Because he never listened to Kiss?

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  4. When one doesn’t know dick about civility, one is going to be a dick.

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  5. I have to admit, as soon as I found out the person filing the complain was a ” gay pastor”, I was immediately suspicious. First off, “gay pastor”. It’s common knowledge that one cannot be gay and christian, because the magic book of fairy tales that christians worship commands all gays be killed on sight. If it weren’t for secular laws against murder, christians would be lining up gays against the nearest walls. Second, in my many years on this planet, I have met exactly ONE pastor who wasn’t completely full of shit. This story stank of lies from the get-go.

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    1. “It’s common knowledge that one cannot be gay and christian”. Except it’s not.

      “the magic book of fairy tales that christians [sic] worship”. Except they don’t.

      “commands all gays be killed on sight”. Except it doesn’t.

      “christians [sic again] would be lining up gays against the nearest walls”. Except they wouldn’t. Unless you’re referring to the alternate reality you’ve obviously created for yourself.

      Other than that, great post [rolls eyes].

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Steve Skubinna

        So, no sarcasm on your planet, huh? Welcome to Earth, I hope your stay is interesting and enjoyable.

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        1. Apparently you’re not on the planet you think you are, bra. My reply was dripping with it.

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  6. Some people have analyzed the cake pic. Turns out the “fag” part is of a distinctly different color mix (they ran a Pantone Color Analyzer on it. PhotoShop FTW!), and “cake professionals” noted that the technique and handwriting is notably different. . .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is starting to remind me of Dan Rather’s “memo” that was so obviously a product of modern word processing that only Rather couldn’t see it.

      (Either that, or some National Guard unit out there had access to a typesetting machine and used it instead of typewriters that punched out the Os.)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The Rather Memo (Sounds like a Ludlum novel, doesn’t it?) was clearly made by someone too young to have ever used a typewriter. Anything that could do proportional spacing at the time it was supposed to have been written would be finicky high-end typesetting gear for publishing work, not something that would be on the desk of an ANG officer’s secretary. Anyone fooled by it was wanting to be fooled. I’ve made better stuff as one-off props for roleplaying games.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. I laughed out loud, HARD, when I first saw an image of the memo, it was just TOO ridiculous to believe. My co workers thought I had gone insane.

          Liked by 1 person

  7. Looks like the social justice warriors have shot their wad to the point that they have nothing left, so they make shit up. What pleases me most about this non-newsworthy item is that Whole Foods has also pledged to go after the attorney who took the case…now that’s newsworthy.

    I’ve spoken with Whole Foods’ CEO on an entirely different matter (I wanted info on their employee health plan), and the guy is top notch in every way. He took the time to tell me what he did, why, and any problems they had later. Plus, he’s as close to a libertarian as you’ll find in the grocery biz. Just a neat, smart, kind guy, but from our conversation, I gleaned that he was not a man to be messed with.

    As to the Christians being gay…my little 93 year old Mom, a Christian of 8 decades, said that it is our function to love gay people, not our job to judge them…very smart from a Southern woman. She said “Jesus’ love was demonstrated in his words to the thief…and that we are all reflected in the thief to one point or another.” I listen to my Mom.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Except for one thing, Lee.

      He seems to want people not to carry firearms in his stores. At least, I keep hearing about them being posted, and last I looked, the ones here are (though that was quite some time ago). (And for me, I don’t *care* if the sign has force of law, I abide by the owner’s wishes –and take my business elsewhere.)

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      1. IIRC, Whole Foods follows state law, wherever they are, but I can’t remember offhand.

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        1. Everything I see on-line indicates that Whole Foods has a nationwide no way-no how-nowhere policy on any type of carry other than by police or authorized security personnel and has for over 10 years.

          http://www.2acheck.com/boycott-whole-foods/

          As they themselves say, it’s your choice where you spend your food dollars.

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  8. Cake Dick Lives Matter………

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I hope they sue this S.O.B. into abject poverty.

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    1. They’re definitely suing. We’ll see just for how much.

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    2. He’s practically there already. Yesterday the story broke that he’s being sued for nonpayment of $30k in student loans.

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  10. I hope they ream what’s left of his sphincter. BTW – how would they know he was a “fag” anyway? Certainly couldn’t tell from his appearance. Oh right – he’s a DICK. So, perhaps a fag smoker.

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    1. They knew based on the “Love Wins.”

      Liked by 1 person

    2. “fag smoker”

      Oh the irony. “Fag” is slang for cigarette in England, so over there your phrase would simply mean someone who smokes cigs (as opposed to cigars, I guess).

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      1. Even better, in England a “faggot” is a meatball. So in addition to smoking fags you can munch on them too.

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  11. My dick takes great offense at being included with those other dicks.

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    1. You don’t know dick, man.

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  12. It’s gotten to the point that there are no “hate” crimes that aren’t faked. Not that there were many to begin with. The “hate crime” card has been played out just as badly as the “race’ card at this point. When a “hate” crime is reported, I automatically think fake, and am never wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. The problem with gay activists is that most of the derogatory words that you would apply to them are pretty much considered compliments by them.

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  14. When my oldest was deemed responsible enough to watch the youngest while Mom and Dad went out on a date, I took him aside and said “the first rule about being in charge is don’t be a dick” I took youngest aside and said “the first rule about having your brother in charge is don’t be a dick” I swear the only time they get along now is when we aren’t there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s perfect! Such useful advice!

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  15. Hmm. maybe God does hate fags,,,

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    1. I understand that the Westboro Baptist Church (Democrats, by the way) are laboring under a linguistic error. Apparently the original Aramaic said “God hates figs.”

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  16. Oh, Steve, Steve, It was written in Greek, Jesus often spoke in Aramaic. And He loves figs.

    I am a true Bible believing Christian, who is also a true constitution believing American. The way I align the two is that I understand that we have to allow everyone to live in freedom in this country. If the people that attend the Westboro Baptist Church and love their first amendment rights so much could just allow the rest of the people in this country to enjoy the same bill of rights, things would be a lot more peaceful at funerals.

    If my son, who is in the military, is G-d forbid, killed in the line of duty, and I get wind of them possibly showing up at his funeral, I am afraid that I may strike a blow against gun rights that day. I am not saying for sure that would happen, just an apology in advance if it were ever needed. And an offer of my support for anyone whose daughter or son is killed in the line of duty while serving our country. If those people threaten to attend the funeral and it is within driving distance of me, just ask, and I will be there to stand in the gap, not violently, but in peaceful and respectful anti-protest, to help maintain your loved ones dignity. I am sure that many others would also do the same.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Written in Greek, but dictated in Aramaic.

      Though to really appreciate it you need to read it in the original Klingon.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Matthew 27:31(a) (the missing verse)

        And Jesus said, “Today is a good day to die.”

        Somehow I doubt that one will gain any credit from present-day scholars.

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  17. I have to wonder about what type of congregation attends services of an openly gay pastor. I realize we’re all sinners, but who follows the advice of someone who revels in their sins? Would these same people attend if he was a philanderer, received services from prostitutes on a regular basis? What if he went around burglarizing homes? Or assaulting vagrants on the street? Or constantly swore during sermons, using the Lord’s name? It’s one thing to acknowledge we all have sin in our hearts and struggle with it. It’s something else to flaunt it around and be proud of it. I have serious questions regarding the sanity of not only him but his flock.

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