As if this election wasn’t enough of a joke?

cruz munsterSo far, we have the Hairy Hemorrhoid™, the Septuagenarian Socialist, the almost felon, whom the current administration will protect until after Election 2016 is over, the Senator from Texas, who bears a striking and comical resemblance to Grandpa Munster (I do think it’s adorable!), Marco “the Robot” Rubio, the Hunchback of Ohio, and the Snooze Fest of Maryland. Election 2016 is a shit show by any standard, but one more clown is threatening to enter the broken down, yellow VW bug if his candidate of choice doesn’t get elected: former Minnesota Governor and current crackpot Jesse Ventura.clowns

Stop laughing! Seriously!

OK, go ahead and laugh… I’ll wait. I’m kind of wiping tears of mirth off my face here as well, even as I write this, because the idea of Jimmy “The Opportunistic, Delusional, Widow-Suing, KGB-TV (RT)-loving, attention whoring” Janos in the White House is a lot more comical (and less dangerous) than the idea of the Hairy Hemorrhoid™ inhabiting the People’s House in DC. Frankly, I can’t imagine anyone in Washington taking him seriously, so I imagine that as President, he’ll stand on the balcony of the White House, wave his little hat, have some parties where he and his friends snort coke off the asses of some hookers, and take naps a lot.

And yet, Ventura has decided that if his endorsed candidate – Bernie Sanders – doesn’t get the Democratic nomination, he will crawl out from under his rock and run for President. The even funnier thing is that he thinks he can win!

Ventura was elected the governor of Minnesota as an independent in 1998 after serving as a Navy SEAL and professional wrestler. Ventura said his campaign was so successful at showing an outsider could be elected that Trump and Sanders are “ripping him off.” He bets he can do it again if Sanders loses and the election is Hillary Clinton vs. Trump.

“They’re setting the groundwork for me because if Bernie loses, by the time we get to June, how sick are the people going to be of all these people,” he said while dressed in a Jimi Hendrix shirt under a blazer and SEALs beanie.

Never mind that Bernie thinks Ventura is a douche tool, and that he declined Jimmy’s offer for an endorsement a couple of days ago. Thank you, Bernie, for continuing to show yourself a decent human being! I disagree with you on practically everything, and frankly, I think you could use some basic economics and finance lessons, but at least you’re not bug house, squirrel shit, nucking futz enough to hook up with the truly psychotic!

venturaSo this got me thinking…. What would a Ventura administration look like?

Secretary of the Treasury – the Hairy Hemorrhoid™.

Fed Chairman – Bernie Sanders.

FCC Chairman – Alex Jones of InfoTards fame.

CIA Director – (Kneel and) Bob (Mastur)Bateman (retired Chairborne Ranger and former violence manager).

Secretary of Defense – Adam Kokesh (if he emerges from the smokey, dope-saturated confines of his basement long enough to take the oath).

National Security Adviser – 9/11 Truther Conspiritard Jeff Boss.

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff – Bradley Chelsea Manning (after he pardons the traitorous, whining POS, of course).

Secretary of State – Julian Assange.

Attorney General – Truther, conspiritard, birther dentist, real estate agent, attorney Orly Taitz Oily Taint.

Got other ideas for a Ventura administration? Secretary of Hookers and Blow? Head Presidential Diaper Changer? Let me know in comments!

UPDATE: Looks like This Ain’t Hell was on this as well.

20 responses

  1. Your creativity with the lower registers of the English language reaches new heights🙂

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    1. Awwww! You makes me blush!

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  2. Ventura was not a FUCKING SEAL. He was assigned as a Special Warfare Combatant-Craft Crewmen (SWCC).

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    1. The Hair already settled this one.

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  3. Ol’ Scruff Face is at it again, I see.

    Hillary (“We have to make America a hole”) Clinton for Director of Central Intelligence? She could just do entirely away with that pesky “classified information” thing.

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    1. BTW – I’d submit Ass Face is a more appropriate moniker.😉

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    2. Ghost Rider 6

      You wouldn’t be wrong. But “Scruff Face” is what Chris Kyle called him in his book. (Guess I’ll get sued now, too.)

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  4. I think Cruz looks more like Nathan Lane than Grandpa Munster.

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    1. Nathan Lane? Really? Hmmmm. Not seeing it. Nathan is kind of chunky.

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  5. I guess somebody neglected to “flush twice when required.” I’ll try to better next time.

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  6. Gotta be a place in that cabinet for Anthony Weiner somewhere…

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    1. Well… Someone said Vermin Supreme for HHS secretary. Wiener… HE is the Secretary for Hookers and Blow!

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  7. This election season jumpeed the shark way back when Carson had to defend himself against claims that he didn’t stab someone. Now, everyone seems to be trying to top that. Mostly successfully, sadly.

    (HRC is actually an admitted felon, though not — and never will be — convicted. When she announced she’d finally turned over her emails, she confessed to violating the federal records act by not turning them over by the statutory deadline. And that one happens to be a law whose penalties specifically include disqualification for office. If anyone was going to indict her, they could have done it last year; never mind all the classified data.)

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  8. I don’t think Jesse has been back in MN long enough since he left office to realize just how reviled he is in that state. I know people who actually spit when his name is mentioned in their presence.

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  9. Oops – you missed one: the Little Dictator of NYC has threatened to get in the race. Although I don’t know the current status. Apparently he is delusional enough to think that anyone outside of NYC (and maybe LA) would vote for him.

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    1. Nah, I didn’t miss it. I just didn’t think he was interesting enough or significant enough to mention.🙂

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  10. ” Minnesota Governor and current crackpot Jesse Ventura.”

    From the state that kept counting the votes until they elected their has been bad comedian as a Senator. They can also boast that they have the highest number of citizens fleeing the country to fight with ISIS.

    Holy jumping heyzus, I’m almost ready for a drink.

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    1. I ain’t so sure those are actual “citizens” that are signing on with ISIS.

      And yup, the votes just kept on showing up for every recount until that vermin Franken got enough. Coleman was no real conservative, but he was, arguably, better than Franken.

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