So far, we have the Hairy Hemorrhoid™, the Septuagenarian Socialist, the almost felon, whom the current administration will protect until after Election 2016 is over, the Senator from Texas, who bears a striking and comical resemblance to Grandpa Munster (I do think it’s adorable!), Marco “the Robot” Rubio, the Hunchback of Ohio, and the Snooze Fest of Maryland. Election 2016 is a shit show by any standard, but one more clown is threatening to enter the broken down, yellow VW bug if his candidate of choice doesn’t get elected: former Minnesota Governor and current crackpot Jesse Ventura.
Stop laughing! Seriously!
OK, go ahead and laugh… I’ll wait. I’m kind of wiping tears of mirth off my face here as well, even as I write this, because the idea of Jimmy “The Opportunistic, Delusional, Widow-Suing, KGB-TV (RT)-loving, attention whoring” Janos in the White House is a lot more comical (and less dangerous) than the idea of the Hairy Hemorrhoid™ inhabiting the People’s House in DC. Frankly, I can’t imagine anyone in Washington taking him seriously, so I imagine that as President, he’ll stand on the balcony of the White House, wave his little hat, have some parties where he and his friends snort coke off the asses of some hookers, and take naps a lot.
And yet, Ventura has decided that if his endorsed candidate – Bernie Sanders – doesn’t get the Democratic nomination, he will crawl out from under his rock and run for President. The even funnier thing is that he thinks he can win!
Ventura was elected the governor of Minnesota as an independent in 1998 after serving as a Navy SEAL and professional wrestler. Ventura said his campaign was so successful at showing an outsider could be elected that Trump and Sanders are “ripping him off.” He bets he can do it again if Sanders loses and the election is Hillary Clinton vs. Trump.
“They’re setting the groundwork for me because if Bernie loses, by the time we get to June, how sick are the people going to be of all these people,” he said while dressed in a Jimi Hendrix shirt under a blazer and SEALs beanie.
Never mind that Bernie thinks Ventura is a douche tool, and that he declined Jimmy’s offer for an endorsement a couple of days ago. Thank you, Bernie, for continuing to show yourself a decent human being! I disagree with you on practically everything, and frankly, I think you could use some basic economics and finance lessons, but at least you’re not bug house, squirrel shit, nucking futz enough to hook up with the truly psychotic!
So this got me thinking…. What would a Ventura administration look like?
Secretary of the Treasury – the Hairy Hemorrhoid™.
Fed Chairman – Bernie Sanders.
FCC Chairman – Alex Jones of InfoTards fame.
Secretary of Defense – Adam Kokesh (if he emerges from the smokey, dope-saturated confines of his basement long enough to take the oath).
National Security Adviser – 9/11 Truther Conspiritard Jeff Boss.
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff –
Bradley Chelsea Manning (after he pardons the traitorous, whining POS, of course).
Secretary of State – Julian Assange.
Attorney General – Truther, conspiritard, birther dentist, real estate agent, attorney
Orly Taitz Oily Taint.
Got other ideas for a Ventura administration? Secretary of Hookers and Blow? Head Presidential Diaper Changer? Let me know in comments!
UPDATE: Looks like This Ain’t Hell was on this as well.