Modern Woman – A Response to the NYT’s “Modern Man” List (UPDATED – TWICE)

A feshow-my-boobs-nice-personality-funny-memew days ago, the New York Times published a list by Brian Lombardi, dicksplaining to the rest of the apparently substandard guys out there what a “modern man” should be, own, wear, read, and feel, as well as where he should sleep and park. If you heed Lombardi, the modern man is apparently a metrosexual, contradictory dick pickle, whose purpose in life is to do dishes, buy shoes, and plug in electronic devices for his woman. It was an article so ridiculous, that several of my author friends fisked it, including the Fiskmaster himself, Larry Correia, who savaged this sniveling manchild in his own inimitable style! You should go read Larry’s piece. It’s hilarious and informative.

I won’t try to outdo Larry on this one, because that fisk was beyond perfect, but I did get inspired, as I often do by my writer pals, to write my own advice to my daughter on how to be a modern woman. A real modern woman, not the whining, sniveling version of today’s feminist who wraps herself in a warm cloak of victimhood anytime life doesn’t hand her the success she feels she deserves merely because she owns a vagina and a set of tits.

I will parallel Lombardi’s piece, but there’s more to being a modern woman than kitchen utensils, shoes, and flowers. So here we go.

  1. The modern woman does not need her spouse or significant other to buy shoes for her. She knows what size she wears, she knows what style she likes, she goes out and buys it without expecting her man to do it for her.
  2. The modern woman gains her confidence from her accomplishments and her abilities. She never allows others to destroy her self-esteem, because her courage, determination, and tenacity do not depend on what others think of her.
  3. The modern woman chews with her mouth closed. She does not shove mouthfuls of food into her maw, and masticate food all over her shirt. She is comfortable using a knife and fork, chowing down chicken wings with her hands, or using chopsticks to grab bites of sashimi. And she does it all with panache.
  4. The modern woman does not tell others what they should eat and how they should eat it. She realizes that everyone’s tastes are their own, and she doesn’t need to pad her ego by chastising others to show how sophisticated her palette is and how inferior others are.
  5. The modern woman knows how to change a flat tire, change her oil, and perform a basic maintenance check on her car. And if she doesn’t, she knows where to find advice and help.
  6. And speaking of cars, the modern woman doesn’t wait for her daddy or her man to buy her a cute Miata for her birthday or for Christmas and doesn’t complain when she doesn’t get it or gets the wrong color. She saves her money, goes out, and gets what she wants.
  7. The modern woman takes care of her family and loved ones, which includes teaching them how to plug in their own fucking electronic devices, how to safely use the tools of self defense in the home, how to survive in the event of a zombie apocalypse, how to make a basic meal, budgeting, writing a resume, and dealing with self-important assholes who want to tell you how to live your life with aplomb.
  8. The modern woman doesn’t presume to tell others what kitchen gadgets to buy, what kind of food to eat, what kind of beverages to drink, what kind of vocabulary to use, or what kind of shoes or clothing to wear. She lives her own life as an independent human being – with or without a significant other – without making judgments on others’ choices if they don’t impact her own life.
  9. The modern woman can take constructive criticism without claiming grievances against her womanhood or dignity. She certainly doesn’t claim that criticism on social media gave her PTSD or made her bedridden and in fear for her mental state.
  10. The modern woman refuses to be treated as a victim. She understands her vulnerabilities and weaknesses and works to overcome them, instead of using them as excuses for her lack of achievement and success.
  11. The modern woman does not rely on her plumbing to help her succeed. She relies on her intellect. And she certainly doesn’t blame alleged hatred for said plumbing on her failures. She doesn’t use her tits in lieu of smarts and abilities.
  12. The modern woman knows how to defend herself and doesn’t hide behind her man. She complements his firepower with her own.
  13. The modern woman strives for knowledge. She understands she has a lot to learn, and is willing to learn it from any source available. She doesn’t shun knowledge because it comes from the wrong gender or skin color. She does not take offense at being wrong. She takes it as a learning opportunity.
  14. The modern woman takes responsibility for her own actions and accepts the consequences. She does not blather about privilege. She merely acknowledges her mistakes, corrects them, and moves on. The maximum effective range of an excuse is and always has been zero.
  15. The modern woman doesn’t suffer in cripplingly uncomfortable clothing and shoes, so that others will ooh and aah about how hot she is. She knows how to be comfortable and look her best without wobbling around in stripper heels like a clumsy newborn calf. And by the way, she also knows appropriate clothing styles for the office, the home, the party, or the wedding without trying to wear spandex skirts short enough to show off her labia to work.
  16. The modern woman doesn’t complain if a man opens a car door for her. She’s capable of doing so herself, and secure in the knowledge that he is being polite, not condescending.
  17. The modern woman doesn’t choose a man who wants to whip out a yard stick to prove how manly he is. She doesn’t need him to shield her, to coddle her, or to pay her way. She wants a partner, not a daddy. She wants a best friend, not a leech. She wants him to appreciate her intellect, her femininity, her wit, and her humor, but doesn’t try to alter the best in her to fit his perceptions. Same goes for lesbians, but sans yard stick.
  18. The modern woman can drive a stick shift and kill her own spiders.
  19. The modern woman doesn’t draw validation about her worth from others’ opinions.
  20. The modern woman is realistic. She knows she is physically and mentally different from men, and doesn’t get offended when others acknowledge that fact.
  21. The modern woman isn’t afraid of bad words, but she uses them as a supplement to her point, not as a substitute for it.
  22. The modern woman doesn’t want to be a protected class or a special interest group.
  23. The modern woman doesn’t view sex as something sinful and embarrassing to titter ashamedly about with her friends. She embraces her sexuality and her desires, she’s proud of being a sexual being, but doesn’t try to use sex to boost her self esteem, mitigate her feelings of mediocrity, or manipulate her partner.
  24. The modern woman isn’t afraid to show off her body, but doesn’t dress like a cheap whore to do so. And she knows and understands the difference.
  25. The modern woman respects the man who reads news and knows what’s going on in the world. And she doesn’t give a rat’s flying ass whether he reads said news on his phone, his e-reader, or in paper form.
  26. The modern woman enjoys spending time with her significant other, discussing any topic they both find interesting, and not worrying about whether or not his Kenneth Cole oxfords make noise on whatever floor they both decide is best for their home.
  27. The modern woman cries if she feels the need to do so, but doesn’t use those tears as a weapon against the world, a tool of manipulation, or a way to gain attention. Emotion is a deeply personal thing, especially when it involves tears – be it of joy or sorrow. To use those tears to manipulate others into doing your bidding is reprehensible.

Feel free to add your own points in the comments and send this to those who may need some practical advice.

UPDATE: The beautiful and talented Cedar Sanderson crowdsourced her article about the modern woman, and the replies are glorious to behold! Go. Read. Enjoy.

UPDATE ZEE SECOND: I just found out Chicks on the Right also linked to this piece, as well as Larry’s. Thank you, ladies. I’m honored!

45 responses

  1. Gee, I thought we got all settled in the 1960s.

    A modern woman is independent, self-supporting, self-assured and able to relate to a man as a human being. She appreciates courtesy and kindness, and while it’s nice if a man opens the door for her, she’ll open a door for him, too, especially if his hands are full. A modern woman likes and wants men in her life because she isn’t needy, and because the world is a poorer place without them. (That stems from those 1960s feminists who wanted nothing to do with menzzz.)

    I feel so old-fashioned when I read your article.

    I think you need to spread this around more, Nicki.

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    1. LOL! Sara, feel free to post it wherever. It’s already auto populated on my FB and Twitter.

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    2. Okay, I’m linking to it over on TAH! Have a truly nice weekend.

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    3. Gee, I thought we got all settled in the 1960s.

      Pretty much so, yes. But then a bunch of the activists looked around and said, “Well, NOW what do we do?”, and then lost their minds. The result is what you see in that NYT article.

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  2. Sean D Sorrentino

    Does anyone else get the impression that “The Modern Man” learned everything he needed to know about being a “Modern Man” from his harpy wife screeching this set of rules at him for the last 10 years.

    “I TOLD YOU BEFORE, THE MODERN MAN MAKES SURE THE DISHES ON THE RACK HAVE DRIED COMPLETELY BEFORE PUTTING THEM AWAY, YOU LAZY ASS!”

    And he’s too much of a whipped dog to tell her to get screwed and leave.

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    1. Funny you say that. When I first read the column at the NYT, I blew by the author. Half way in I was sure it was written by a snotty adolescent harridan angry at why she can’t get a date. Then I looked at the author and thought “right, his wife actually wrote this.”
      When the wolf arrives at the door, this useless piece of [****] will be found under the bed with the children. His wife will be running down the road shrieking for goverment to save her, not knowing that makes an easy take for a wolf’s lunch.

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  3. good job, one caveat, I like assistance in eradicating the eight-legged freaks from hell.🙂

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    1. Liking assistance is a bit different than needing it.🙂

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  4. Proverbs 31:10-31

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  5. This model of the “modern man” is the reason our society is what it is. A bunch of special snowflake pajama-boys who can’t turn a wrench, build anything beyond a pedantic tweet, or defend home and family.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This guy should see a doctor, as there is treatment for his condition. Treatment will restore his joie de vivre, he will have energy to play with his kids, he will rediscover interest in his wife, and the crying will stop.

      I wonder if his wife is as unnerved by his crying as most women?

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  6. Y’all have been channeling my Mom, God rest her soul. Well said.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your mom sounds like she was an amazing woman. I hope you channel her as well as you raise your own kids.🙂

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  7. Amen to all of this, Nicki!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I am a dinosaur, I love to open doors for the lady I am with, I would prefer she stand behind me if threatened, I check the oil, washer fluid, tires, wipers and just about everything else on the car regularly. I love to hold the woman I am with, it makes me shine to see her smile. Its just me I guess, not greater than or equal to, just unafraid to accept we are different each in our own way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There’s nothing wrong with that, Dave, and a real woman would recognize that.

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    2. “I am a dinosaur, I love to open doors for the lady I am with, I would prefer she stand behind me if threatened, I check the oil, washer fluid, tires, wipers and just about everything else on the car regularly. I love to hold the woman I am with, it makes me shine to see her smile. Its just me I guess, not greater than or equal to, just unafraid to accept we are different each in our own way.”

      Nothing wrong here. I say thank you when someone holds the door for me, then I will like as not hold the next door for them. Need any help with that car? I learned how to check all the fluids years ago and I’m pretty good at hold a flashlight if it’s something I can’t do myself.

      Liked by 1 person

    3. I only hold doors for people who don’t kill spiders.

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  9. […] course, because of real life problems and other schedules, the beauteous Nicki Kenyon beat me to it on the Modern Woman, but she didn’t need help… and you should read hers, […]

    Liked by 1 person

  10. “This guy should see a doctor, as there is treatment for his condition. Treatment will restore his joie de vivre, he will have energy to play with his kids, he will rediscover interest in his wife, and the crying will stop.”

    So, basically they’re going to sew his daddy bags back on? 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yup, sorta. Testosterone injections.

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    2. Chemically, of course.

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  11. Brava! Well done. I would just add one more item: A woman (modern or otherwise) does not cower while her man defends their home. She is either providing cover fire for him or reloading. {Any may G-d have mercy on you if you are between her and her children.}

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    1. Covering fire, or going for the kill, with blades in my case.

      Liked by 2 people

  12. For the record, since moving down under, the only spiders I’ve identified with any reliability are huntsmen, and daddy long legs. My usual response to finding a spider is calling one of the men in the house to ID it for me. Then, if the children are present, call them to have a look.

    Then one of the guys, since they know better how, remove it from the house. Because it’s Australia.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. FTR, I CAN kill my own spiders, but why bother if you can get someone else to do it? I’d shoot it with a Glock!😉

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      1. Well, yeah… that’s the other reason why it’s smarter for the resident men to take care of the spider, versus me. Holes in walls are more annoying to fix than handling the spider.

        LOOOOOVE this Nicki😄

        Liked by 1 person

    2. A daddy longlegs is not a spider.

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  13. Well… that’s the OTHER reason why it’s the guys who take care of the spider. Having to plaster up holes in rental houses is tedious and annoying.😄

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    1. Yep. Larry is a trip and a half

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  14. A real woman lets spiders live and uses public transit.

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    1. No, the theta male does that

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  15. “Theta male?”
    Is that Scientologist speak?

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  16. Nicki, you might find this article very much worth your time. Fjordman is always worth a read.
    http://www.brusselsjournal.com/node/1300

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Will do! Thanks for the link.

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    2. Isn’t the Fjord Man the guy who inspired Anders Behring Breivik?

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      1. Every comment this guy makes makes me wonder if he’s Clamps/yama. Sounds a helluva lot like that stalkery psychotic Islamist apologist and misogynist.

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    3. Huh?

      Are all spiders male now?

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      1. Do spiders have penises?

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    4. I don’t have the faintest clue what I’m replying to.

      Almost all spiders reproduce sexually. They are unusual in that they do not transfer sperm directly, for example via a penis. Instead the males transfer it to specialized structures (palpal bulbs) on the pedipalps and then meander about to search for a mate.[10] These palps are then introduced into the female’s epigyne. This was first described in 1678 by Martin Lister. In 1843 it was revealed that males build a nuptial web into which they deposit a drop of semen, which is then taken up by the copulatory apparatus (the palpal bulb) in the pedipalp. The structure of the copulatory apparatus varies significantly between males of different species. While the widened palpal tarsus of Filistata hibernalis (Filistatidae) only forms a simple bulb containing the coiled blind duct, members of the genus Argiope have a highly complex structure.

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  17. […] strength, self assurance, or the testicular fortitude to approach and have relationships with real women, so they choose to screech, howl, and holler in order to attract the kind of woman who appreciates […]

    Like

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