Open Letter to the Cabbies in DC

Dear Cabbies –

I have used your services on many occasions… well, if you can call the malodorous, third-world careening through the streets of DC and Northern Virginia a “service.”

Yeah, I’m talking to you idiots, who can’t be bothered to use deodorant on a 100+ degree day, who drive around with the windows closed all day, blasting some savage ululation that passes for music in your world, and who take the longest way possible to get me where I’m going – whether because you want to charge me as much as possible, or you’re just too stupid to pull out your goddamn Google Maps on your phone. Yeah, I’m talking to you.

Today you decided that you would protest. You didn’t protest any infringement on your rights. You didn’t protest injustice.

No, you’re much more noxious and evil than that, you pernicious cockgobblers.

You protested innovation. You protested competition. You protested choice – the ability of your customers to choose the service that best suits their needs. You, in fact, protested freedom – the freedom your customers are entitled to – the freedom to choose with whom they want to do business.

You pitched a hissy fit, because you couldn’t compete with companies like Uber and Lyft. Your noxious, gag-inducing jalopies and your lack of knowledge of the environs, and your inability to abide by the traffic laws, which you apparently just take as nothing but suggestions, and your nauseating lack of regard for other drivers as you lurch in and out of traffic on the local roads, couldn’t possibly compete with the clean, polite, accommodating Uber, whose well-dressed, eloquent drivers are there within minutes, know the area, and get you where you need to go quickly and without drama.

So instead of improving your services, learning how to drive and taking a goddamn shower, you protest the very existence of the competition and try to destroy it.


And in the process you cause gridlock in what already is the most gridlocked city in the nation, you assholes!

You think that endears you to us?

You think that will make us, the customers, use your services – force us to conform to your mediocrity?

No. Ain’t happening.

You certainly will not hold us hostage to your pathetic inability to provide a quality service.

What you will do is piss us off and ensure we will never use you again. I, for one, will make damn sure that if I need a ride, I will call Uber or Lyft. I will make damn sure that none of you pernicious dickwaffles ever get my business again.

Others feel the same way I do, apparently.

You offer shitty, overpriced non-service. You stink. You drive like monkeys on meth. And instead of improving your service to compete with these other organizations, you union thugs want to hold us hostage by tying up traffic in what is arguably the most gridlocked city in the United States?

Screw you!

Here’s hoping  your worthless asses go broke.

If one of you worthless shitslurpers ever offers me a ride, all you will get is a big, fat finger.


7 responses

  1. Hilariously, even the all-horrible Soviet Russia had private drivers as an alternatives to cabs. They still do. Nice to get a ride from a non-Chechen… who actually speaks Russian (or English) and uses deodorant!


  2. yew shore do tawk purty!
    Seriously, your command of the language, especially the saltier adjectives and totally innovative phraseology, warms the aged cockles of my heart. And honestly I would give a week’s wages to see you questioning any of the arseholes on the IRS hearings! They would be begging to have Gowdy take over the questioning, and would probably pay for your cabfare… uh… well…


  3. Monkeys on meth. Heh, that’s a keeper!!


  4. Get the government the hell out of the taxi business, period. Free markets, people! If you can’t stand the competition get another job, don’t ask the government to protect you at the consumer’s expense.


    1. All of this government involvement is actually the fault of the cab drivers’ union. They want protectionism. They want to be immune to actually having to provide a quality product.


  5. When I lived in DC the cabbies were still suffering under the “zone system”, designed by Congress to ensure that Congresscritters could go pretty much anywhere in the city they cared about for the minimum fare. Most of the cabbies I met were decent sorts. I’m sorry to hear that this has changed.

    Most of DC’s woes can be traced to Congressional meddling, when you come right down to it. There may be a theoretical local government, but the mayor does not have much real power; certainly no power to do anything that any Congresswine, no matter how junior, doesn’t like.

    The rest of the country only caught the low-lights of the Marion Barry mess. Locals who thought about it knew that, unlike black activists turned politicians elsewhere, Barry had never had a chance to do a good job. Maybe as Mayor of some medium sized southern city without a meddling Federal presence he would have been just as bad …. but we’ll never know. The only thing he COULD do in office was line his pockets and the pockets of his cronies. His successor, Sharon Pratt Kelly, did her damnedest to cut back on redundancies and waste, and precious little good it did her. Anything that looked like it might go beyond the talking stage, some Congresswine would block or otherwise render useless.

    Without Congress, DC might well be another Detroit, but with Congress the city doesn’t have the chance of a fiddler’s bitch.


%d bloggers like this: