The Blog Post in which I Insult Everybody Without Using a Single Curse Word

Just watch me!

If you’re black, Hispanic, Oriental, gay, straight, white, poor, rich, sick, bisexual, omnisexual, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, atheist or agnostic, you’d better not read this post. Heck, if you’re any sort of homo sapien, you might want to stay away, because I will insult, offend or otherwise give you post-traumatic stress for the rest of your life by using words that will scar and shock you!

In 1999, an aide of then-Washington DC Mayor Anthony Williams resigned after some of his coworkers became incensed at his use of the word “niggardly” during a meeting to describe how he would manage a budget. If you didn’t know, “niggardly” means “frugal” or “miserly”, but these city employees apparently had the intellects of rabid monkeys, so instead of checking a dictionary, they threw their excrement in frustrated indignation until David Howard resigned. After a quick acceptance of Howard’s resignation, Williams decided he acted too hastily, so he rehired his top aide, because firing a good worker, because he’s too smart for the walking examples of the lowest common denominator employed by the city, would be “catastrophic” and “disastrous” (two words some in the New York City Department of Education wanted to ban from standardized tests, because they might offend or disturb – heck if I know whom.)

Why do I mention this 14 year old incident?

Because this was the first time I became aware of the sheer “lunacy” (another word that will likely be banned from standardized tests, because it refers to a mental disease, and we don’t want to traumatize children who might be, or have family members or loved ones who might be sick) of the butthurt.

Today, the problem of language and the war on words (Oh whoops! I mentioned war. That implies violence. Standardized testing eggheads won’t like that either) that is being waged against common sense has gotten out of control.

I obviously cannot talk about “faggot” or “fagot,” which actually means “a bundle of dry sticks or wood” in actual… you know… ENGLISH! That might be insulting to homosexuals! And God and Goddess forbid I use the word “fag” as slang to describe a cigarette!

Recently, my buddy science fiction author Michael Z. Williamson got banned from Facebook for daring to use the word “chigger.”  I wouldn’t have believed this was true, and would have demanded more information about this incident, if it wasn’t for the fact that I know Mike personally and have known him for years, so I know this incident to be 100 percent true. It happened not once, but twice, and not just to Mike but to blogger Erin Pallette, whose post said the following:

“I was once niggardly with a jigger full of chiggers. Tigger wanted that jigger with a vigor, but I refused. A Tigger with a jigger full of chiggers is a digger with rigor.” Something like that.

Apparently anything that rhymes with… chigger… is offensive to… um… insects? As Erin pointed out to Facebook – English, Facebook, do you speak it? “Niggardly” is not a racist word, as a brief Googleing would indicate. Kindly grow a sense of humor along with a larger vocabulary.

So, citizens – and I mean citizens, not illegal aliens, who came to this country illegally and are legally not allowed to be here per United State law (I will address you separately) – we’re in an era of political correctness like I’ve never seen before. Bring a “brown bag lunch” and stay a while, because it’s going to be an interesting ride.

In case you were wondering, “brown bag lunch” is offensive, because apparently (and I wouldn’t have known it, being a white person, and therefore racist and all) had been used as a test of skin color to determine whether a person’s skin was light enough to be invited to a party or event. As a rule of thumb (Oops! I used bad phrase that the State Department’s “Chief Diversity Officer” says is offensive, because the phrase emanates from some kind of religious regulation that says you may not beat your wife with a rod any thicker than your thumb), the paper bag test was used by African Americans throughout the twentieth and twenty-first century with reference to a ritual once practiced by certain African-American sororities and fraternities who would not let anyone into the group whose skin tone was darker than a paper bag. So it’s racist and bad, because… wait… what? African Americans used it to judge their own? Hmmmm. Well, then it must be the evil whites’ fault anyway, because we have given black people a full blown generational inferiority complex about their skin color.

Sorry, crackers (not the little crunchy things you eat). No matter what, it’s your fault.

Of course, the brown bag is simply a bag many of us used, and many kids today continue to use to bring their lunch to school – it’s cheap and an easy carry. And the “rule of thumb” refers to using one’s fingers and thumbs as measuring devices. But that’s a small chink in the armor of the PC police (oh, damn, did I just insult Oriental people? I should be fired like those two ESPN employees were last year.

Now, we’re not saying anything has been made illegal (oh, ooops! might be offensive because it refers to undocumented immigrants or something), or that people are being thrown in jail for the use of offensive language… yet. But these little politically correct games are getting old.

Next thing you know we’ll have to call bums “residentially deprived Americans.”

Christians will turn into “oppressors” – plain and simple.

Jews will be “kosher Americans.”

Criminals will simply be known as those who use “alternative means of gaining wealth.”

Hunting will be “animal murder,” and will be outlawed.

Unemployment will be “unpaid leave” – oh wait… that’s my furlough!

Illegal aliens are already “undocumented immigrants.”

Money is the tool of the evil capitalist, so we won’t refer to it at all.

Islamic terrorism can surely be referred to as “workplace violence,” because we can’t insult fundamentalists, can we?

Have I insulted enough of you yet?

Good.

33 responses

  1. And with a stroke of the pen, or tickling of the keys, you have made my day🙂

    FYI, I am not offended, even though I belong to several of the aforementioned groups. My skin is like armor plating!

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    1. You SHOULD be offended, FLEAMALE!!! 😉

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      1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! No😛

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  2. http://www.forbes.com/sites/insertcoin/2013/08/03/microsoft-recruiting-players-to-hunt-xbox-trolls/

    Read XBox’s Code of Conduct – it actually mentions “sound-alike phrases” – the difference, they’re encouraging the subscribers to rat out each other…because that could never be abused now could it?

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    1. Oh good lord!:\

      The butthurt shall inherit the earth!

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  3. Ditto what everybody else said, Nicki! “Fag”, by the way, is STILL being used in Great Britain to refer to cigarettes–which I haven’t used in almost 7 months now, by the way, after a 52-year, pack and a half habit. (God bless whoever invented the e-cigarette.)

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    1. Congrats on kicking the habit! I stopped when I got back from the Kosovo deployment!

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    2. I’ve heard cigarettes referred to as “straights” but I guess those in charge of Newspeak would deem that offensive to gays.

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    3. Fun fact! Faggots are also a type of spicy meatball which used to be popular in the north of England and in Wales.

      I used to love faggots. I’d have two or three at a time. Unfortunately I moved to the south about twenty years ago, where a good faggot is hard to find. Consequently I haven’t had a faggot in years.

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      1. *spit take*

        Faggots sound yummy!

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  4. Another good one Nicki. The terminally ignorant will inherit — Amerika, the newly minted third wold slum

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  5. Great post. I remember when the incident in DC happened. They two words don’t even share a common origin (the racial slur having its roots in Latin-based languages, the synonym for stingy originating amongst the Scandinavian peoples). But arguing using facts and logic are a waste of time once the mob has been aroused. At that point, it’s all about the torches and pitchforks; no time for reasoned discourse.

    In the old days, you were held responsible for what you said. In our new, tolerance-obsessed culture, you are also responsible for how your words make other people feel.

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  6. For once, a post of yours did not have to be wrapped up in a plain brown paper wrapper. Oops.

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  7. >>>(Oops! I used bad phrase that the State Department’s “Chief Diversity Officer” says is offensive, <<<

    It was the City of Seattle, NOT the state of Washingtonistan.

    The state doesn't have a Chief Diversity Officer (at least not yet).

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    1. No. The Department of State. The one in DC

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  8. Nicki you made my morning, that was excellent.

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  9. A Brit can be niggardly with their fags, but in the U.S., somebody gets their feelings hurt and becomes an anus.

    People have become so thin-skinned, I wonder how they survive in a strong wind.

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  10. Are drug dealers “unlicensed pharmacists” now?

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    1. Yes. You didn’t get the memo?

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  11. Reblogged this on That Mr. G Guy's Blog and commented:
    Damn if I don’t feel the least bit insulted.

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  12. Well really I have never heard such atrocius language. I am offended I tell you, offended!

    sarc off> we really need to find our sense of humour again. I am sick to the heavens of this PC BS! Great article Nicki.

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  13. Of course, we can insult fundamentalists … if they’re Christian fundamentalists. There’s no reason to insult Islamic fundamentalists because Islam is the Religion of Peace, but Christian fundamentalists are just plain evil. After all, Christianity expanded across the Middle East, North Africa, into Europe and as far as India by way of … being persecuted and killed while helping those they met along the way … oh, wait … I’m confused.

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  14. the giant flying wasp is harmless to humans but looks like it could kill.
    Martins are liked because they eat mosquitos. Actually they eat many dragon flies that consume many more mosquitos than the Martins.
    EVERY ONE HATES FLYING WASPS BUT EVERY ONE LIKES MARTINS
    people draw conclusions from appearances and bad information.
    COLE

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  15. Burglars – unauthorized occupants

    BTW – there was a short time (in the 90s) when realtors were advised by the FTC not use ‘women’ in their promoting property sales. They were to use ‘gyn-Americans’. Seriously.

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    1. I can haz vomit?

      Gyn-Americans… Sheesh!

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  16. Nicki, I’m shocked and scarred.

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    1. Steve, I feel your pain.

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      1. some one objected here in the south to the construction sign saying
        “Flagger Ahead”
        Some one suggested without any success “Flaggro Ahead”
        then it went from flag man to flag person.
        Then a sign saying “Slow – Children” had to be changed ………………..
        several years ago a sign saying “white only” to save the boss named White a parking space had to go……………..
        CB

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  17. Nicki – please forgive the length of this… but as it’s a valid (IMO) quote… President Teddy Roosevelt speaking to the largely Irish Catholic Knights of Columbus Knights of Columbus at Carnegie Hall on Columbus Day 1915, asserted that,
    “There is no room in this country for hyphenated Americanism. When I refer to hyphenated Americans, I do not refer to naturalized Americans. Some of the very best Americans I have ever known were naturalized Americans, Americans born abroad. But a hyphenated American is not an American at all … The one absolutely certain way of bringing this nation to ruin, of preventing all possibility of its continuing to be a nation at all, would be to permit it to become a tangle of squabbling nationalities, an intricate knot of German-Americans, Irish-Americans, English-Americans, French-Americans, Scandinavian-Americans or Italian-Americans, each preserving its separate nationality, each at heart feeling more sympathy with Europeans of that nationality, than with the other citizens of the American Republic … There is no such thing as a hyphenated American who is a good American. The only man who is a good American is the man who is an American and nothing else.”
    For those who don’t believe he’s right consider what happened to Yugoslavia and the former USSR …I fear the melting pot has cracked and the contents are going to spill out… and evaporate to nothing leaving the scum to cover the heath…

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  18. The Defense Equal Opportunity Management Institute (DEOMI) at Patrick AFB failed one of my lady friends in a class for using the term “flip chart” since that was offensive to Filipinos. I hung around and learned offensive terms that I’d never heard before. That time has served me well.

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  19. I take offense! An “Oriental” is a rug!

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    1. Excellent! Another one offended. I’m doing well.

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