Let’s get this straight, people – there will be no Mayan Apocalypse.
You are not all going to croak on December 21.
There is no need to hoard canned food and bottled water. Or to buy hi-tech shelters.
The Mayans didn’t predict the end of the world. They simply ran out of rocks to carve shit on.
So stop being asshats a la the Russians, who are apparently buying up everything they can find. Just in case.
The head of a chain of hardware stores in Chita, Siberia, told reporters that demand had trebled the prices of candles.
Some shopkeepers have taken a tongue-in-cheek approach, flogging “Meet the End of the World” kits which include a tot of vodka, a bar of soap, and a piece of rope. But others appear to be awaiting a genuine cataclysm.
In Barnaul, close to the Altai Mountains, panic-buyers snapped up all the torches and Thermos flasks, while locals in Omutninsk in Kirov region rushed to buy kerosene and other supplies after an article supposedly written by a Tibetan monk appeared in the local paper confirming the prediction of a December 21 catastrophe.
The industrial city of Novokuznetsk, meanwhile, has seen a run on salt and a disgruntled resident wrote to local authorities demanding they prepare themselves for the electricity cuts and looting which will surely accompany the planet’s final moments.
I’m half way convinced that big business has made up this Mayan apocalypse garbage in order to sell more toothpicks and booze.
“Here’s an idea! Let’s pretend the world is going to end on some stupid, coincidental date, so that our sales of Pope on a Rope will go through the roof! YEAH!”
Because how can one face the End of Teh Wereld™ without an extra batch of Dry-Erase markers and a couple of bottles of Smirnoff? And silly string. Don’t forget silly string.
And some jumper cables, while we’re at it.
Because you just never know.
This kind of thing does make me wish I had the foresight to buy some tents, spray them down with some kind of lacquer and sell them as fortified shelters. I could have made a fortune! Because the world will never run out of idiots.