A Deal Where No One Will Be Happy

In a blind sprint to avoid what many are calling a “fiscal cliff” I’m hearing rumbles that the douchebags in Washington are “weeks away from a deal.”

Both sides have struck cooperative tones since Obama’s re-election. Even so, he and House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, the GOP’s pivotal bargainer, have spent most of the past two years in an acrid political climate in which both sides have fought stubbornly to protect their constituencies.

Translation: the Democrats are gloating about a mandate, and the clueless, feckless Republicans are trying to prove themselves inclusive “team players,” who are willing to sacrifice everything they stand for.

So the sides will agree on a deal where “the rich” will be just a bit more out upon, even though they already pay four times as much in federal taxes as the middle class. And these rich won’t be the multi billionaires who get much of their earnings from investment income that is taxed at a lower rate. These will be the “small” millionaires – ones who have probably scraped their way to that bracket, worked long hours, gone to school, and sacrificed a lot. And these will be those nasty, rich business owners who have sacrificed their entire lives. And they will be those damn doctors, who worked like hell in college and medical school, who slept two hours every two days in order to become experts in their field, to be able to save the lives of those who claim they’re entitled to not just dictate by government force how much the doctors should charge for their work, but also take more of their earnings. But hey, they have more to loot than the average guy, so why not. It’s not like they’ll miss it, right?

But I digress. I’m sure there will be some spending cut compromises, where the politicians will diligently ensure that the pork still flows to their districts – pork that funds superfluous defense projects the Pentagon doesn’t even want, and pork that funds tattoo removal, incentivizes adoption of rabid possum and builds infrastructure no one uses.

Don’t worry. Useless crap will survive. HUD, HHS, EPA, DOE and other worthless, bloodsucking bureaucracies will still exist. Entitlements for which the recipients paid X and will receive 3X during the span of their entitled lives will continue to suck away half of the federal budget. You will still get your goodies at the expense of the rest of us.

The military will still get its Chevy Volts (let’s hope they don’t catch fire while charging) – after all, GM needs sales, and they aren’t getting any the good ole fashioned way – by making a quality, reasonably priced product that people actually want to buy.

And we’ll still be in debt, which will likely continue to exceed 100 percent of our GDP through at least 2020.

But gosh! The politicians will have worked together to reach a consensus! By all means, elect them again, America! After all, they will have worked together to slow this country’s descent into economic mire. They deserve your vote yet again. They will have cobbled together a deal with which no one is happy, but they will have done so together, so it’s OK.

By all means, America, focus on bullshit issues such as whether or not your politicians agree with your social views, even though they haven’t and shouldn’t have anything to do with the federal government. Continue to harp on gay marriage, and other social issues. Pretty soon you’ll have nothing with which to purchase food for your family, except food stamps, because the leeches in Washington will have stolen your earnings and destroyed your will to achieve. But hey, you stood by your principles and voted for Dumbshit McHatethehomos because he’s for “traditional” marriage.

And by all means, continue voting for compromisers who will work together with the tax-and-spenders to slow the rate of government growth. Notice I didn’t say “reduce the size of government,” because that’s not even on their radar.

And in the end you’ll wind up with a deal where no one is happy, but in true communist fashion, you will know that it’s better to have everyone equally miserable than risk one group being happier than another.

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