Nick Woodhams – creating first world problems out of nothing

The iPhone 5. I don’t have one. I don’t particularly care about owning one. I was dragged kicking and screaming into the iPhone purchase after my Blackberry began acting like a cranky octogenarian who just ingested a gallon of Colon Blow. I felt like I was assimilated into the Borg Collective. I don’t dislike my iPhone, but to me, it’s a tool. Nothing that gives me a religious experience. I use it for calls, texting, music and emails. Pretty utilitarian overall. Nothing to genuflect over.

That’s why I have a hard time understanding douchenozzles such as this Nick Woodhams, whose entire privileged existence seems to have been irrevocably and traumatically marred by the AT&T store’s treatment of his lily snowflake ass during the launch of the new iPhone.

I was invited into the AT&T store this morning, after a long wait, to purchase my iPhone 5. I avoided looking at the display model iPhones on the way in, and averted my gaze from everyone elses iPhones. I wanted to enrich the experience of opening my own iPhone 5, and make it more special than it already would be. The sales rep retrieved the iPhone I requested…

Then he then proceeded to open the iPhone himself, with his back to me.

My stomach sank. Opening an Apple product is a religious experience. It’s one of the best things about the first day with your shiny new device. He took that from me. I felt like this sales rep had stolen from me. They were stealing from everyone. No one was opening their new iPhone. Is it not supposed to be special anymore?


I finally walk out of the store with my iPhone, and I can tell you unequivocally that they ruined my first impression with the iPhone 5. Having used the phone now for several hours, I love it.. but the way that AT&T handled the launch today was a travesty.

Oh noes! I’m getting a gadget that costs more than the annual per capita income of most third world nations, but I’m upset, because the clerk didn’t let me open my new toy! He ruined my religious experience, and forever scarred my delicate, spiritual psyche! AND HE DROPPED MY CHARGER!

Is this what we’ve come to? Have we run out of starvation, disease, tyrannies, mass murders, illiteracy and other problems, and are now forced to invent first-world problems to feed our needy ennui?

You know what’s a travesty, Nick? Millions of people unemployed. That’s a travesty. Government infringements on our basic rights. That’s a travesty. Hungry kids, incurable diseases, tin-pot dictators killing their own citizens, women getting their genitals mutilated in third-world shitholes, suicide bombers, thousands murdered by terrorists… That’s a travesty!

Some clerk opening your new expensive gadget for you instead of letting you do it DOES NOT QUALIFY!


Is it any wonder I want to go live on a deserted island?


9 responses

  1. And he’s such a candy-ass that he apparently can’t take comments. Presumably because he knows he’s a delicate flower candy-ass who would immediately be scorched to the ground in ashes by people who have actually got a little real emotional (and not Emo) scar tissue and have been living outside their mother’s clost for more than the time it took them to get to the AT&T Candy-ass Accesorization Store.


  2. Ms Nicki- last spring a young lady, High School student as I recall- presented the results of her National Science Foundation Project and got her scholarshp immediately. Her project? She got a group (most if I recall correctly) of her class to participate in a study. Some kept their cellphones, some had limited use, some lost them entirely, and some who never had one in the first place. The end results… she had students go into physical withdrawl, had to be treated in hospitals like drug addicts or drunks because of their attachment to their phones. Even some of the limited use started sneaking “fixes” and using the phones when they agreed not to like drunks sneaking shots when no one was looking. If her findings are general, and given how some people act when they forget their phones or lose signal I think shes dead on…the casualties from an EMP event WILL be higher then anyone thinks. I’m slowly becoming a Laptop Luddite – no cellphone, no i-pad, no kindle, no GPS. Just this 5 year old lap top, a wallphone, a Lensatic compass, and lots’a real paper books . Heck, I don’t even wear a watch anymore…


    1. Not surprised. Not surprised at all at the results of this study. I hate to admit it, but I live out of my phone.


  3. I heard he was very stoic when his double chocolate Latte was getting cold while the clerk opened the box. He only whimpered a little bit instead of crying.


    1. But he still had a lump in his throat, I’m sure!


  4. On the bright side, at least this confused little boy is not your son.

    At least he can spell and write. That’s more than we can say for many of these self-important twits slothing their way through school with their rear ends hanging out their pants. (Money says his butt hangs out his pants, BTW.)


    1. Hah! If he was my son, I’d kick his ass for writing something so friggin stupid!


  5. My son told me all about Nick Woodhams (he is pretty much a legend in the 20 and unders). He posted his “iphone 5 experience” just so people would take it and run ( like this website) so he could get free advertising for his new He is a ex-con who cheated Apple a few years back with ipod repairs and had to serve time and give back almost 1.5 million in restitution to Apple, fines etc.—and he was only in his early twenties at the time. He is back to trying to become a millionaire again only this time he is doing it the legal way.


    1. Lovely. So he’s basically little more than a con. Pathetic douchebag.


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