Things I’d rather be doing than watching the presidential debate tonight

No, I won’t be watching. No, I won’t be giving you a play-by-play. Frankly, it’s because I like my sanity – what little is left of it – and because tonight’s topic is national security, I’d also like to not be fighting the urge to put a fist through my TV for 90 minutes. As a matter of fact, there’s a ton of things I’d rather be doing than watching the debate, so here’s a partial list.

  • Root canal. I love root canals.
  • Playing with raw meat inside an alligator enclosure in Florida.
  • Drinking antifreeze (don’t worry I was a college student once – I’m sure I’ve ingested worse stuff).
  • Being ravaged by a herd of hungry yak.
  • Being torn apart by Walking Dead zombies.
  • Tumbling into a gorilla enclosure.
  • Listening to a fat acceptance lecture by Trigglypuff.
  • Electric shock therapy.
  • Prostate exam. Yes, I know I don’t have one. I don’t care.
  • Reading Damien Walter columns.
  • Giving Michael Moore a sponge bath.
  • Shaving my bikini line with a rusty weed wacker.
  • Sniffing Arthur Cho’s bicycle seat.
  • Having dinner with cannibalistic pygmies.
  • Bathing in my dog’s slobber.
  • Giving my cat a bath.
  • Memorizing the list of gender pronouns now recognized in New York.
  • Two words: Clorox douche.
  • Picking the lint from Mama June’s belly button.
  • Gargling Axe body spray.
  • Having my ovaries removed with a pair of salad tongs. By a blind veterinarian.
  • Discussing Kierkegaard with an ADHD toddler.
  • Expressing Tucker’s anal glands.
  • Expressing ANYONE’S anal glands.

    I'd look ready to kill myself too, if I was forced to wear that shit!

    I’d look ready to kill myself too, if I was forced to wear that shit!

  • Trying on Kanye’s new clothing line (yeah, the one that makes you look like you’re a concentration camp survivor).
  • Having a Twitter conversation with Anthony Weiner.
  • Smelling dog farts.
  • Smelling husband farts after a night of cheap beer.
  • Napping in a snake pit.
  • Working as Kim Kardashian’s gynecologist.
  • Reading the Torah at a KKK gathering.
  • Using a porta-john at a Nickelback concert.
  • Eating my own vomit.
  • Drinking a kale, ketchup, and urine smoothie (giving antifreeze a run for its money).
  • Picking gum off the bottom of a chair in my old high school and chewing it.
  • Listening to Roseanne Barr “sing” the national anthem.
  • Making out with Michael Jackson’s desiccated carcass.
  • Having a rabid ferret chew on my crotch.
  • Snorting hot sauce.
  • Three words: hot tar enema.

Get the message?

 

Don’t watch the new MacGyver if you value your sanity!

I was a fan of the original “MacGyver” with Richard Dean Anderson. I realize the character was the 80s version of anti-gun metrosexual, but I enjoyed the show. It was original, interesting, and interestingly enough, it didn’t take itself so seriously, that it tried to make you feel like a bad person for liking guns and eating meat.

That’s why there was this sixth sense tingling in my head that warned me not to watch the 2016 reboot of the 1980s show.

mcretardOh, dear sneezing fuck! Why the hell didn’t I listen?

Five minutes into this clown show, I was fighting the urge to punch my TV and murder the smarmy millennial twerp punk who somehow managed to get the title role! His urge to explain to the audience what a great and brilliant “secret agent” he is, how he’s got this team of badasses backing him up, how he’s this super genius, who has this super genius girlfriend who has won every science award but the Nobel at the ripe old age of maybe 22, who also happens to be a brilliant “analyst” for his ultra secret organization (and an evil mastermind) and his former Delta Army SEAL Special Forces Green Beret Recon gruff buddy.

Yes, please! Let’s assume the audience is stupid and we’ll be explaining even the basic scientific concepts in painfully boring detail.

Acting: bad.

Directing: worse.

Writing: worst.

Development: painful.

It’s like the producers of this dreck forgot how to do basic research.

Department of External Services? Really? Is that kind of like Sluzhba Vneshnoy Razvedki (The Russian SVR – its external intelligence agency)? Please kill me!

We need to find the virus, or there will be a catastrophe of biblical proportions!

You know what’s a catastrophe of biblical proportions? A badly-written, badly-acted, poorly-researched retread that assumes its audience is stupid and doesn’t even try to achieve a reasonable suspension of disbelief.

Final verdict: Nope. Nope. Nope. Nopity MacNope!

Things that make me want to nuke civilization from space

There are days.

There are days I literally want to shut down my computer and never come near the Internet again, and yet, I’m drawn to this collective psychosis we call “the world wide web,” like a moth to a flame… or one of those crackly lights that will kill the moth the moment it touches the bulb. Like a motorist who can’t help but rubberneck at a wreck on the side of the road, I had to open this. Immediately upon clicking on the link, I began to hit myself over the head with a metaphorical brick. WHY??

My recent article about ‘willy-cloning’ was greeted with such interest and hilarity on social media that the company responsible for the kits – Empire Labs, of Portland, Oregon – got in touch to ask if I fancied trying out a female version, the charmingly named ‘Clone a Pussy‘.

If that opening paragraph doesn’t make you die a little inside, this will.

The first thing to note is that Clone a Pussy does not create a model of the vagina itself – I can only imagine what sort of mess that would make with the moulding gel.

Instead, it creates a reasonably accurate copy of the vulva – the outside bits.

So while the male version can be put to, shall we say, practical use after construction, the female clone is for decorative purposes only.

audreyWho in the everblasting, rollerblading fuck would want to decorate their house with anything resembling a vagoo – inside or out? Sorry, but it’s not, in and of itself, an attractive body part. It’s pink. It’s hairy (unless you go the extra mile to de-fur). It’s oddly similar to Audrey 2 from “Little Shop of Horrors” sans teeth or blood lust.

“Oh, I know what this living room is missing! A set of labia vaguely slug-like in appearance! Perfect! Now let me just frame it and hang it riiiiiiight… over here.”

Yeahno, Cupcake! It ain’t pretty. It’s utilitarian. There’s certainly nothing embarrassing about it, but it ain’t art!

The second thing that made me want to hide under my desk today. Women paying for “expert vagina massages.”

They’re called gigolos, you daft bints. They’re getting you off for money. Calling it something different doesn’t change its nature.

Now, I’m all for the free market. Seriously. If a consenting adult wants to sell their… services for money to another consenting adult, more power to y’all! Have at it! But let’s not pretend it’s anything other than what it is. As I told She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named when I found out she was dancing at a strip club in West Virginia instead of working as a waitress, “You are an adult, and you can do with your body as you please, but if you’re going to be a whore, be an honest whore.”

Third thing that makes me throat punch a hippie, apparently women just can’t do science. Why? Because TEH FEELZ!

The syllabi for college-level STEM courses—science, technology, engineering, and mathematics—are “gendered” because they promote the idea that knowledge can be ascertained through reason. This is a masculine concept that hurts women’s feelings and makes it difficult for them to succeed.

That’s according to “Are STEM Syllabi Gendered? A Feminist Critical Discourse Analysis” of the STEM syllabi at one Midwestern university. The discourse was authored by the University of North Dakota’s Laura Parson, and published in The Qualitative Report earlier this year.

It presupposes that certain stylistic choices—command words like “will” and “must”—are inherently masculine and anti-woman, and then sets out to determine whether these words show up in STEM syllabi. Since a syllabus is not a negotiation, but rather, a set of instructions about how to succeed in a given class, they do indeed contain lots of commands.

Parson needs to stop embarrassing all women and take up a distinctly feminine feminist field that shall not force her pretty, dainty, weak self to conform to those pesky facts that chafe her tender labia. (If you notice a vagina theme here… Yeah, there is one.)

Try Kvetching 101, or the advanced “Taking Offense 300 – Strategies in Silencing the Opposition.”

Go with “Ruminations in Third-Wave Feminist Thought – The Best Three Minutes of Your Life,” or “Tears: Your Ultimate Weapon Against the CisWhitePatriarchy.”

But stay the fuck out of the sciences or anything else requiring logical thought. Please!

And then there’s this piece of spewed dreck onto a computer screen that makes the ages old claim that white people inherently racist and privileged.

If you’re like me, growing up, the word “Black” was always spoken of in whispers in your family. It was like we were saying something taboo. Why was that? Because it was taboo. We might feel more comfortable saying “African-American,” but not “Black.” The reason is that we were raised to believe that “colorblindness” was the ideal for whites. We were taught that we shouldn’t “see color.” And saying the word “Black” was an acknowledgment of the fact that we did “see color.”

Well, thank dog I’m nothing like you, hipster douche Omega male! I can and have said the word “black” throughout my childhood and my adulthood. I do recognize color – the fact that it exists and that some of us have more melanin in our skin than others. I just don’t give a fuck. There, I said it. Beyond recognizing that there are different hues to human beings, I just don’t care. My black friends (there, I said it, you emasculated coward) make me just as happy as my white friends. Know why? Because they’re wonderful human beings. So go fuck yourself. You don’t speak for me, and I would wager that aside from a few guilt-ridden about their own whiteness, braindead Snowflakes, you don’t speak for any other white people either. Moron.

Then there’s this bit from the Santa Clara County Office of Education

Did you know that mispronouncing a student’s name negates the identity of the student? This can lead to anxiety and resentment which, in turn, can hinder academic progress. Help us build positive school culture and promote respect to students and families.

Crying-Baby-PicturesWell, holy microaggressing fuck!

So the identity of the individual isn’t based on accomplishments, intelligence, intellectual curiosity, ability, or anything else related to those antediluvian norms. The identity of the individual is based entirely on what the kid’s parents might or might not have been smoking at the time when they decided to name their little precious North West or Chanda Leer.

As someone whose last name was consistently butchered by teachers in school, I understand the embarrassment when a teacher struggles to phonetically spell a foreign name, only to fail miserably. I get having to preemptively pronounce your name before the teacher stumbles like a drunken clown, making all the other kids giggle. But could we possibly get some damn perspective here, people?

Getting little Nevaeh’s or Reighleigh’s (no, really – that’s Riley) name wrong won’t traumatize her/him/it/whatever. It won’t destroy their identity, unless they’re being raised by weak-minded parents, who don’t teach them where their value comes from, which I suspect is the case for many of these poor kids, whose parents think naming them something “cool” and “different” will garner them respect without having to actually accomplish anything to earn it. Trying too hard to be original? Don’t. If your child has an ethnic name, be understanding. Recognize that not everyone is going to get it right from the first get-go, and that it’s not a slight against you, your ethnicity, or your child. In other words, stop being a special fucking snowflake!

Thank dog it’s Friday. I can avoid stupid on the weekends… I think.

 

You Can’t Be Wrong If You Silence Dissent (With my thanks to Declan Finn for the title)

The brilliant Dr. Glenn Reynolds of Instapundit was temporarily shitcanned from Twitter and was only unblocked if he promised to delete an objectionable post that urged motorists to run over rioters blocking traffic in Charlotte, N.C.

“Yes, that was my post,” he wrote in the email. “It was brief, since it was Twitter, but blocking highways is dangerous and I don’t think people should stop for a mob, especially when it’s been violent.”

Reynolds also expanded on his comment in a post to his blog:

“I’ve always been a supporter of free speech and peaceful protest. I fully support people protesting police actions, and I’ve been writing in support of greater accountability for police for years.

“But riots aren’t peaceful protest. And locking interstates and trapping people in their cars is not peaceful protest — it’s threatening and dangerous, especially against the background of people rioting, cops being injured, civilian-on-civilian shootings, and so on. I wouldn’t actually aim for people blocking the road, but I wouldn’t stop because I’d fear for my safety, as I think any reasonable person would.

” ‘Run them down’ ” perhaps didn’t capture this fully, but it’s Twitter, where character limits stand in the way of nuance.”

riot-3Rioting, looting, setting shit on fire, and trying to toss an unconscious reporter into the flames is NOT peaceable protest. It is NOT covered by the First Amendment.

Blocking traffic like the last set of piss guzzling bug fuckers and preventing a child from getting medical care is NOT peaceful.

Jumping on top of innocent people’s vehicles and threatening them is NOT peaceful.

And Professor Reynolds is absolutely correct. If these savages are blocking the roads and threatening you, there’s no reason for you to stop. None.

Meanwhile, at least one British newspaper is evacuating its bowels because a man drove through the rioters brandishing a gun, and *GASP!* he was WHITE!

But look – this post isn’t about the protests riots. It’s about silencing your opposition.

riotProfessor Reynolds described a perfectly reasonable reaction to being threatened by violent mobs – KEEP DRIVING. Yes, he did say “RUN THEM DOWN,” but anyone who’s not a blithering fuckwit understands that when you’re surrounded by agitated throngs of malcontents, jumping on cars and setting trash on fire, you keep moving. Period. It’s certainly preferable to getting a beatdown at the hands of “protesters,” who think rioting and destruction of property are legitimate outlets for their rage at societal injustices.

And for this thought crime, Twitter suspended his account until he promised to remove the “offending” tweet.

Do you remember what Social Justice Howler Monkeys do when they don’t agree with someone? They riot. They threaten the employment of the individuals with whom they disagree. They report their social media accounts in an effort to shut them down. They even doxx them and threaten their loved ones.

And, of course, they try to shout the opposition down a la Trigglypuff.

They don’t want a debate. They’re scared of being proven wrong. They’re terrified of their worldview being challenged in any way. Any speech they don’t like, immediately gets shut down.

Like Dr. Reynolds.

Like Milo Yiannopoulos.

Like Mike Williamson on numerous occasion thanks to a howling, perpetually offended twat named Natalie Luhrs, who decided to stalk his social media and report his offensive speech.

In June 2015, a white supremacist shot up a historic black church in Charleston and killed nine worshippers. Williamson went online and tweeted a joke about it. Appalled, Natalie Luhrs of Radish Reviews began going through his twitter feed and Facebook page to see if he’d made similarly offensive comments. He had, and she documented quite a number of them. Williamson was eventually suspended from Facebook on account of his racism, though he quickly switched to an alt account and kept right on going.

Anyone with whom they disagree needs to be shut down and silenced, because it’s easier to shout into an empty room and then proudly beat your chest that no one could refute your incoherent screeches.

Debating, learning, accepting different points of view – all that requires effort, which they’re not willing to put forth.

It’s much easier to scream, “ALL WHITE COPS ARE DEVILS” after a police shooting of a black man (without realizing or caring that the officer involved was African American) than it is to stop, listen, consider, and gather facts.

It’s much easier to silence your opposition and bully them into a corner than it is to have the courage to accept a different worldview as valid or correct.

Twitter and Facebook aren’t government entities, so this is not a First Amendment issue. When push comes to shove, they have the right to control what people post on their platforms. That’s not the issue here. The issue is this propensity to silence viewpoints with which they do not agree. The issue is the inability to tolerate dissent. The issue is outright cowardice.

The first reaction is not to consider the facts and examine them, but rather to punish and silence. Much like these two douche canoes commenting on the Knoxville News Sentinel story. Their first reaction is to remove the platform – to shut up those who speak words they don’t like.

fired cantron

Because you can’t be wrong if you silence dissent.

 

 

 

Someone explain this to me

Why is it that in a world where we have pig fucking jihadists setting bombs in our cities…

Where protests against police shootings turn violent…

Where ISIS launches a mustard gas attack against our troops…

Where Russia’s president Vladimir Putin has proven once again that history repeats itself by essentially revamping Russia’s security apparatus to resurrect the KGB

And where of the two major party candidates for the most powerful office in the world – one is in bed with the Russians, fellating Putin so hard, that he might actually swallow and digest his microscopic cock, and the other apparently can’t even tell the difference between a classified portion marking and a paragraph marked in alphabetical order (because the only letter in the alphabet is apparently “C”)…

Why is it that with all this shit going on in the world today, the biggest news story on my news feeds is Brangelina’s divorce?

You know what I learned today against my will?

That apparently Brad Pitt was allegedly fucking around on Angelina Jolie with some French actress about whom I know nothing, and who denies this allegation.

Why anyone cares about this, I cannot possibly fathom, but when I get on my news feed (the news app on my iPhone) or on social media, and all I see is the gaunt, fat-lipped face of Jolie and Pitt’s hobo beard, I have to wonder what the hell the obsession is.

Yes, they’re rich. Yes, they’re famous. Yes, they’re probably somewhat weird. But the richer and more famous they are, the more bizarre their public displays and the more problems they have keeping their shit private.

grumpy-catIt’s like we’re living vicariously through them! OH LOOK! THEY’RE RICH AND FAMOUS, SO LET’S GAWP AT THEIR FAMILY PROBLEMS TO MAKE US FEEL BETTER ABOUT OURSELVES.

Please. Make it stop.

And yes, I’m cranky. You would be too if you had to do physical therapy for a bum ankle twice every week.

But on the bright side, my buddy Dennis is helping kick cancer’s ass in his own special way.

Now, y’all are familiar with Dennis’ work, because I proudly carry my pistols in various holsters he has made for me. Well, Dennis is raising money to help fight prostate cancer and giving you the opportunity to win…

holsterTHIS!

Now, motherfucker, this isn’t just some ordinary holster!

This holster is autographed by the NY Times Best-Selling author of the Monster Hunter International series Larry Correia, who was kind enough to autograph this holster for this fundraiser when Dennis met him at Liberty-Con.

There are other autographed holsters as well. I noted one with Dean Cain’s signature on it. Dean Cain is hot. Just sayin’.

So here’s how you register to win one of these beauties!

1) Go to the donation page by clicking here.
2) Make the donation in multiples of $10
3) When you go through checkout, select Team Dragon from the drop-down list so that we get credited with bringing in your donation.
4) When you get the PayPal receipt in your email, simply forward that email to kilted@dlwtn.com so we can verify the amount donated, and that the donation was made to Team Dragon.
5) In the forwarded mail, let me know how to apply the donation (which holster, how to split up multiple entries, etc.)
6) We’ll email you letting you know that your entries have been logged.

We’ll draw the winning entries first week of October, after the fundraiser is done.

Go here and do it. Trust me.

Because FUCK CANCER!

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